Have a baby for my husband's sake?

Question

I have agreed to consider ttc in the upcoming year. We'll be 29 (me) and 34 (him) soon, and a year older than that when the baby is born. We've been married for almost 6 years, together almost 9. We're very financially stable and have a great relationship.

That's the good.

This is the bad. I don't want a baby. I don't want to be pregnant or give birth (he doesn't want to adopt or use a seragate). I'm not the mothering type. I don't coo at babies or have much interest in kids. We agreed on not having kids when we got married. He changed his mind a year into the marriage and I can tell he's not happy because he doesn't feel he's accomplishing anything without a child. But I'd be the one home with it during the day. I think having children would be very boring and tedious. It's great for others. But not for me.

Should I just suck it up and have a baby? Neither of us is interested in divorce no matter what the outcome.

He brings in most of the income, and loves his job. The SAHD concept wouldn't work.

I do realize that most parents don't think their children are boring and tedious and a huge burden. But that's how I garantee I'd feel about mine.

Answer 1

Why would you consent to bringing a baby into the world if you wouldn't want it? A baby/child can sense when a parent does not love them and they will grow to be VERY unhappy and that will carry over into their adulthood. A child deserves to be loved by both parents. If you make enough money let your husband stay home with the baby if yo don't want to stay home if you decide o go through with this.

Answer 2

For one, I believe in compromise in a marriage. Why not do something to make your partner happy, especially when you even say you know he is unhappy. Secondly, what about trading roles? You be the working mom and him be the stay at home dad? Third.....I can tell your not a mother. Having a child isn't boring or tedious. You will be so busy, you'll wish there was more time in a day. And tedious? They change so much and so quickly, it changes constantly! They smile, make sounds, laugh for the first time. Then they roll over for the first time, and then sit up alone for the first time. It just keeps getting greater! Their first word, first steps, first time seeing santa. It's an amazing feeling to see this life (that you created) grow in front of your eyes. My husband and I cry a lot when she does new things. Now, she is climbing on furniture, riding her little bike, and running everywhere! She is a miracle, and every day we thank God. There is nothing in the world that compares to it. Oh and by the way....I never wanted kids either. I "thought" I wasn't the mothering type and wouldn't like it. We got pregnant, umm "accidently" and I wouldn't take it back if someone paid me a billion dollars to do so.

Answer 3

If you REALLY don't want a baby please don't have one. There are too many children in this world that aren't wanted already. I happen to love children and they can bring much happiness into your life. Have you spent any time at all with children? Maybe you could babysit for a friend or talk to her/him about what it is like for them. Speaking as a single mom I would not trade by daughter for ANYTHING in the world. I have learned so much from having her.........I seriously think that you and your husband should talk more about this so your decision will be mutual~not one sided. If you both don't agree why would you do it? There is never a dull moment when a child is growing up it can be tedious but not boring.

Answer 4

Ok, first of all...having children is tedious, yes, but far from boring. When you have your own children, it all changes. Just because you're not interested in other peoples children, doesn't mean you'll feel the same about yours. Remember that children don't stay little forever, infact, they grow awfully fast.
That being said...you and your husband need to have a serious discussion about children. If you agreed before marriage that you weren't having kids, he should respect that decision...however I understand his want for a child, too, and they shouldn't be discounted, either. But, having children doesn't define who you are. You can have many accomplishments w/out a child. If divorce isn't a threat, then sit and talk about it...either way, you'll still have each other. Good luck!!

Answer 5

No, you should not just have a baby for the sake of your husband.. The child is the one that would get hurt in the long run. You would probably not pay attention to the child or even hold a grudge against the child, don't bring a child into the world when you who would be doing most everything for the child, does not want one, and never agreed to having one. Your husband, is going to have to get over that, I know it will probably put a strain on your relationship, but did you remind him that you did not want a child? And, it sounds like you are to independant to have one, and like the lifestyle that you have now, you can come and go as you please, if you had a child they come first for everything!!! So, this is something to consider for both of you, and is a big change in your life. Please don't have a child, especially the way you sound, you don't want one. Sorry, if this sounds cruel, but it would be cruel of you to bring a child into this world, already not wanting it. And maybe ending up hating it!! Good Luck with your husband, but you need to stick to your guns! And he needs to know how you feel about the whole situation, then maybe if he sees your point of view, he will look at it in a whole new spectrum.

Answer 6

You know yourself best. It's a bad thing to have a baby because someone else wants you to. Your life will be impacted more significantly than his just by the fact it's your body that's bearing the child and you will naturally be doing most of the caretaking early on. YOu'll just end up resenting hubby and baby over it and treat them accordingly which isn't fair to anyone. YOu're only 29, so give yourself some more time to really think about it.

I never wanted kids myself and my hubby did. I waited til 35 when I was comfortable with the decision and now I'm pregnant with my 2nd. It's wonderful and I'm glad i'd changed my mind on having kids, but I agree it's not for everyone.

Answer 7

What would happen if he agreed to be Mr. Mom, and take on most of the "mothering" responsibilities?

If you agreed to do this for him, it would be a major sacrifice, and who knows but that your feelings may change once you get pregnant and feel the life growing inside of you, and even more once you hold that new life in your arms.

On the other hand, you may come to resent the intrusion that a child poses on your life, and thus, resent your husband. Or, it could go the other way. What if he can't get over your lack of desire for a child? He changed his mind about wanting one, so what's to say he won't change his mind about staying married if you don't want to get pregnant?

You've got to be able to accept either outcome.

I feel for you.

Answer 8

yow. Have you told or had your husband read what you just wrote? If not, then you should and then let him talk to you about it. Its hard to get married knowing you both want things one way (to not have children) and then find that things change after the marriage began. I went through that and both my husband and I decided to part ways because of it (I wanted one he did at one time then changed his mind later). He wasn't willing to give when he once was and I decided to end the relationship because of it. That might have been shallow of me but I felt hurt and lead astray with a preconceived notion of how our lives would be. To me, life is too short to live a life you don't want to or otherwise want to live (and can't). Having a family is a very big thing and should always be discussed prior to marriage. If one party changes their mind, it can be very damaging to the relationship on down the road. If you don't really want one, dont have one just to make your husband happy. Get a dog.

Answer 9

Unless you change your mind, you shouldn't have a child. You both agreed to no kids. I'm sorry he changed his mind. But a child isn't a goldfish that will die off in a few years. Noone should force their spouse into a child if they don't want any. His refusal to adopt shows that he doesn't want a child that desperately. If he really wanted a kid that bad, any kid would do. Its unfair and cruel of him to ask you to give birth if you don't want a child. Ask him how he'd feel if he spent his entire childhood feeling unwanted by his mother? Stick to your guns.

Answer 10

Well, Im not a baby person either, and I really dont enjoy being around other babys or children too much and I dont coo at them either...BUT, It is different with your own baby. I have 3 boys and a baby on the way and I absolutley love them so much. There is a Huge different when it comes to your own, even if you dont think so. If you do decide to have a baby , when that baby is born you will love him or her so much it is just unbelieveable.