Should I ask for intimacy?

Question

My husband had an affair 2 years ago. After careful consideration (we have 2 boys) I forgave him. We've only had sex 3 times since. I am feeling lonely and frustrated now. I would love to have sexual relationship but my husband doesn't. We don't talk about it much anymore as he avoids the subject and me. I know he is faithful as he is working and studying and doesn't have much time for anything else. Am I being selfish?

Answer 1

My u have a mixed bag of answers. driven u potty yet? LOL !!!!

there could be a number of reasons, it might be any of them. i feel for u sorting thru. to summarise:-

1 He IS being a bit thoughtless but I was in a relationship where my fiancee had low drive. i stood by her.
2. He might be having an affair. u would probably know better than any of ur answerers tho!!!
3. It could be that he is scared of u getting pregnant again.
4. He maybe feels confident that u are strong enough as a couple not to need it or that it ain't necessary.
5. he may simply feel it is unnecessary expenditure of energy. does he work hard?
6. it could be stress or pressure at work.
7. he might just be unaware of the way u feel. try asking him - do u still find me attractive? if it's a bad answer u better ask do u still love me? !!!!
8. ur most certainly NOT being selfish. we all need love some time.
9. have u changed? could u make urself more attractive? change of clothes. go from memory, are there things that turn him on? u could try these and if the response is poor then u need to discuss. u could join a gym and try to get in better shape maybe. it depends where ur at.
10. in any case, try to broaden ur circle of friends and that would provide u with some stimulus, even if it is a very poor substitute!!! LOL !!!
11. u might need to see a counsellor but to me, he will almost certainly not want to do this. i think u know that. u could test the water but be prepared for frosty the snowman (well it is nearly Christmas!)
12. Do not lose respect for urself. it isn't u, it's him.

i'm superstitious so that's it !!!

keep talking to people on here and u could chat via 360 to get a few ideas bouncing back. u r not alone, believe me.

u might be left sadly with a bad choice to make. i hope u don't.

good luck

Answer 2

Absolutely not! Three times in 2 years?? You can not have a complete and healthy marriage without a good sex life. I would suggest counselling if u want to save your marriage. Sometimes after an affair things are never the same, but u can get it back on track, but not alone, u need help. If he doesn't think this is a problem and won't seek help, then u really have to consider if u want to be lonely the rest of your life. Everyone deserves to feel wanted and loved in a relationship.

Answer 3

Why are you guys still even married? He is avoiding you for a reason(think about it) and as for not having time to cheat he is to busy with work school etc.. Havent you ever heard that old but very true saying it only takes a min or two? I would sit him down tell him how you feel and tell him you have needs just like he does and that if you two cant have a normal marriage (with intimacy) which is part of marriage then maybe you two should not stay together and Trust me you will see a change, but after you say that dont bring it up again no matter how hard it is but you will see a different man but be patient---Godd Luck

Answer 4

You are not being selfish. You are allowed to ask your partner for what you want, your needs are just as important as his.

I highly recommend that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of 'Make Love Work for You' and or any of the books on relationships by Relate.

http://www.relate.org.uk/

You are doing the right thing. I hope that your husband will work with you to get your relationship back to being fun and loving. If you can talk him into going to counselling with Relate I would recommend that too. They won't treat him like a bad guy or take sides, but they will help you to both express what you want from the relationship in a save environment.

Best of luck. Don't give up. You deserve a loving intimate relationship and you can make it happen, with your husband or with someone else.

Answer 5

I don't think you are being selfish, but you do have a struggle on your hands. I guess you will have talked this over with him ,
Sexual intimacy passion and lust just cant be forced, both parties have to freely want to participate. From what you about your partner he doesn't want to regain the intimacy that you once had.

Its very difficult to suggest what to do,, on one hand if you ask he may well comply and gain no satisfaction / feel further resentment towards you and you would gain nothing from it , and on the other hand he may just say he's got an head ache or something. Either way you could be risking further damaging your fragile relationship

It might do you both good to get away for a weekend somewhere different..

Answer 6

No your not being selfish. Marriage is all about intimacy, perhaps your husband feels slightly ashamed about being unfaithful, and is withdrawing because of it.

Sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart with him. Gradually voice your concerns and needs, tell him you love him and would love to have the intimacy back in your marriage where it belongs. The feelings you are having are perfectly healthy and I know you are perfectly aware that they are. Also ask your husband how he feels as well. Both you and your husbands feelings are important, as marriage a reciprocal thing. Open up to each other a little bit more, just remember communication is the key to any relationship.

Take care, and all the best. xx

Answer 7

Dear that is NOT a healthy marriage.
My concern lies much deeper than sex and the need for intimacy.
You need professional help. Our question today is a symptom of a very huge problem.

Please get help and learn the many ways to help yourself and help him in this marriage. Wanting it to be better is wonderful, having the tools to do it is the key.

A betrayal is a much deeper wound than you think for both of you.
A commitment to marriage is more than just the kids, job, school, house and each other....it is a spiritual union.

Time is not the issue- that is only an excuse. Love is always.

You go first, get some tools to help you. Then by your actions, he may see the change and be encouraged to go with you. Lead by example, you are a mother of boys, so you MUST teach those men to love as well.

Best wishes.

Answer 8

No, you are not being selfish. Intimacy is a big part of marriage. It sounds like there are other issues between you. The distance in communication and intimacy is just the symptom. You need to talk to him, and if he won't then find someone for YOU to talk to. You can't change a person or what they do, you can only control yourself. Are you willing to continue living this way? You deserve better.

Answer 9

First, if you say you forgave him then you kidding yourself. It isn't possible to be hurt that much and then say it's okay, I forgive you. The only one in your realtionship that is selfish is your husband. "After careful consideration" you might want to find someone that will provide you with the love, respect, and understanding it takes to make a marriage work. Your husband isn't doing that.

Answer 10

I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think your husband should be doing a hell of a lot more to contribute to the future success of the relationship. Are you two staying together only for the kids? Is that why he doesn't want to have sex with you? If not, and you want to start over with him, tell him. It will be extremely important for you two to show a loving relationship to your children.

Just for the record, I couldn't and wouldn't ever forgive someone for doing that to me and my children. Good luck.