how do i cope with an 18 yr old son who doe'snt want to work ?

Question

im a single mum who is finding it increasingly difficult to cope with my son he's been to college he did'nt like it he's now got a job working 3pm to 11p.m he doesnt like it he has no respect for me does nothing to help around the house , my 16 yr old daughter does more shes at college two days and works as much as she can the other days always helps at home but him im just at a loss

Answer 1

He's of age, kick him out and change the locks. You've completed your job, it's time for him to do his.

Answer 2

I think kicking him out is a last resort. But I would recommend that you make sure he knows that it is an option. Say to him, "I realize that you are an adult now, and able to make your own decisions, and that one of those was the choice to stop attending college. However, you need to recognize that the choice comes with consequences. The first one, is that I'm no longer going to treat you as a child. I will respect your right to direct your life the way you want. And I will support you in helping you find a path in life that makes you happy.... BUT, as an adult, you are here in this home by my wishes and my wishes only. So you have a choice. While you are here you will abide by certain rules. And you will contribute to the budget for the household. OR you can move out of the house and stake your claim on the world. Since it is smarter for you financially to stay here, to accumulate some wealth that can help you in your life, I recommend that you stay here. And here are the rules...."

Then you can lay out what he is responsible. And be very specific. Like "take out the trash by time x", "wash and clean all of your own clothing" . "contribute $40/week to groceries"

Young kids are kind of weird these days. I don't think it means that they're any less willing to be responsible, I just think there is a disconnect between the amount of work required to get somewhere and the amount of work they expected. They have grown up with the internet, which provides such fast results, and they have been bombarded with images from TV that make it seem like money should be easy. So, I guess I'm saying "Have faith, you're not alone, and it will get better."

Make sure he doesn't rub off on your daugher though, it sounds like she's on a great track!!!

Answer 3

Your son is an adult now and you are no longer legally or morally obliged to house, feed or look after him.

My youngest sister became too much for my Mother to handle when she was about 16 and my mother made the hardest decision of her life and simply asked her to leave the house and find somewhere else to live. I know this was very hard on my mother at the time, but now 10 years on, my sister has got her life sorted out and she and my mother have a very close relationship. She would never have taken responsibility for herself if she hadn't been forced to.

Tell your son that he has 30 days notice and that he must either start paying a reasonable rent (about £200 per month + food would be reasonable) or he must move out. You can legally change the locks and call the police out if he threatens you or trespasses in the future, but of course, I hope it won't come to that.

He will probably stay with friends until he realises that he has to get a job.

Answer 4

Give him an ultimatum, he either works or leaves. Don't give him any spending money, don't cook his meals or do his washing. Start immediately letting him fend for himself in your house, if he doesn't have a job by the end of Jan kick him out (normally I'd suggest giving him a month but it is Christmas) My brother and I were encouraged but not pushed to leave home straight after A levels, we both took residential jobs for the first year (I was an aupair and he went into the navy) then set up our own homes, It's not healthy for any member of your family if he stays living there much older than 18, you all need your own lives. This can't have been an easy question to ask because everyone has given you the same answer, I hope it goes well for you.

Answer 5

I had the same problem with my step kid last year.

I sat her down told her the rules I told her I would let her go if she didn't get up off her **** and do something.
Well she didn't and I gave her a second chance and it still didn't work. So I found her some where to stay and throw her out made her stand on her own 2 feet. 2 Months later she a had a full time job and some where a long the line she found respect for other people.
We are very close and she tells me she is glad I done it.

Be crawl to be kind.

Answer 6

Tell them what you want then take your foot and put it in their asses. Chances are that as a single mom, you didn't follow through on a lot your threats to your children while they were growing up. I have made that same mistake too, now they think they can walk all over me, do as they wish, not respect me and be little punks. I have been working on putting a stop to that. My eldest is 15, first I took away his freedom, i grounded him, then when his attitude didn't improve, one by one, i removed everything from his room. He had a bed, that was it, for a month. Nothing but clothes as belongings for 1.5, grounded for 2. As a mother who always let it slide, this was very difficult for me but; it did work. You're kids are older, I don't know how well it would work but; for kids that age all you can do is take away their freedom. The trick is to stick with whatever rules you make. That was the hardest 2 months of my life it seemed. I stuck with it and didn't budge, like he expected me to. He saw I was serious. He hates me for it and he hates when I say your grounded because he knows what comes next. Maybe you could try counseling for you and the kids. Family counseling.

Answer 7

Poor you! I've been in your place. Is there any male role model that he respects who could talk to him? The most important thing for you to do is to stay calm, he will do his best to wind you up, DO NOT LET HIM! Then carefully focus on what it is you want him to do.Choose two issues that are the most important to you. Next, choose your time carefully a time when you and he are alone and relaxed and talk to him, don't let him distract you by bringing up side issues, stick absolutely, resolutely and calmly keep the conversation onto the topic. Remember don't let him drag you into any side issues . Good luck it Will take ages, but remember that he does love you and even if you don't get this sorted time works magic and in a few years you will have a young man you can be proud of.

Answer 8

Give him a time line and some chores which are designated, and if he is being disrespectful. Perhaps putting him out on the street, ask him if he would like that better. A man who does not work does not eat. That is what the bible says. Give him a time line and lay down some rules, and you must stick to them no matter how difficult. I have four son's two are grown. I speak from experience. If you keep doing everything and enabling the behaviors there is no need for him to change. I would not tolerate for a second rude behaviors. He would be out on the street, My job is done once they turn 18 if they are not trying to do better for themselves. You should not help one who is not trying to do better for himself. Let him see how difficult it really is out there, no one lives for free. God bless****

Answer 9

Pull the rug out from under the turkey. He is mistaking your motherly love for weakness. Push him out of the nest, he has all his feathers, and it's time to fly. He may be upset with you at first, but stay strong. You aren't doing him any favors in the long run by letting him stay on like a little kid. He went to school, has a job.. he needs to keep moving forward, not sitting in one place with his mum. If you think it's harsh, just think about having a 30 year old living at home...Yikes.

Answer 10

Give him a reality check, take him along to some supported housing scheme, where people live as they have been homeless with no job, low self esteem etc.
Then get the staff to talk through the bills he would have to pay out of his benefits, leaving no money for food etc.
He may change his mind after

Good Luck

Answer 11

I'm in a similar situation.. I have a 19 yrs old step son who has never had a job, and quit school at 17.. Its called lazy.... Since he is considered an adult now, tell him he has to pay a certain amount out of his paycheck for rent, if he doesn't then he can go get his own place and then he will realize what responsibility is about.. Sometimes you have to push them to make them see..Good Luck... god knows i need some luck in my situation too. lol