What can I do when the right thing doesn't feel right at all...?

Question

I am a Christian man who was recently engaged to a wonderful missionary woman. She and I both believed God had brought us together, but when I asked for her father's permission to marry his daughter, he denied it. I gave my word that I would respect his wishes, but I honestly never expected this.
I came from a very bad background. My family was disfunctional and abusive, I grew up on the streets, and spent nearly 15 years in prison. I can certainly understand why any man would be apprehensive about me marrying his daughter, but I am now a Christian, I've been called to be a minister, and he is a minister himself; I thought he would atleast want to get to know me and let God lead him in his decision. But instead, he just closed the door without even speaking to his daughter about it first. I cannot help but feel he is judging me and I don't know what to do. I am a man of my word and I ended the relationship as promised. But I feel there has to be something else I could do.

Answer 1

If you honestly feel she is the one, then don't give up, but for now you have to honor her father. My first Pastor told me, along time ago when I was struggling over the same thing, that God answers all prayers, and sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes it is no, and sometimes it is WAIT.
Wait on the Lord and trust Him. He has the birds eye view of your life parade, He can see the beginning and the end. You can only see what is directly in front and behind you.
All things work for the good for those who love the Lord and obey Him, right? So, trust that He has your answer already and don't react in haste.
BTW the person I was praying for all those years ago married someone else and broke my heart, but I got over him and nothing could persuade me to believe anything else but that I am right where I belong with the love of my life and our children. I wouldn't change a thing.
So trust OK!

Answer 2

Well i would like to attempt to answer your question if i can..First off I do believe you have turned your life around and become a christian,and it is possible that God brought you and your missionry lady togeather...You have to understand however even though you have done your time and God has forgiven you,you have a reputation that follows you...It is not your fault that you hada disfunctional family,but the choices that you made sent you to prison for 15 years...the father of your g/f is afraid,its not so much he is holding a grudge,or judging you as much as he fears you might go back to your old life...A reputation can only be overcome by keeping you life straight and out live your reputation..You did the right thing by keeping your word and ending the relationship as you promised..What you must do now is become the christian man you want to be and sooner or later as people see you are really changed you will outlive that reputation...People has a way of falling back into their old ways,and the only way to over come that is to stay straight and show the world you are a changed person....If God really brought you and your g/f togeather ,then he will make a way for you two to become a couple...my son has a reputation and has fell back into his old ways time and time again,and I have told him many times that the only way to out live a bad reputation is turn your life around and in TIME you will out live the bad..Good luck to you and don,t be discouraged it takes time to get your life back..

Answer 3

I think the bottom line here is that you gave your word. What is it worth? Aren't Christians supposed to go by what they believe rather than what they feel? And what about, "God never closes a door without opening a window?" How about, be patient, show him you are a man of your word, and in time he may see that you are genuine and give his consent. One thing I think is a problem is you being engaged to her before getting her father's consent. If that's the way you want to go, you should have waited for his blessing before proposing. But if you two love each other and are seeking God's will in your lives, won't all things work together for the good anyway? Show him that what you believe is more important to you than what you feel and what you want, and I think he will develop great respect for you. On the other hand, a Yahoo message board should not be the last word in handling interpersonal relationships. God bless you all!

Answer 4

Be honest with yourself, how would you feel in his position?

Would you want your daughter to be with a man who'd been in prison for 15 years no matter that he professed to be a Christian now?

People say alot of things when they've been in prison. My brother in law claims to be Christian and yet he's been in and out of prison 5 times (total of about 3 years) and recently overdosed alone in the house with his 3 year old son. Yet, he's Christian, should he be forgiven just because he claims to be Christian?

The only thing that matters is actions. Words mean nothing at all.

And, if you were in his place, you'd probably do exactly the same thing because your first concern would be for your child, not for the man that's marrying her. Just as my first concern is for my sister (who's finally gotten enough brains to be working on the divorce. Which he's fighting tooth and nail) and my nephew.

However, I am wondering whats going on with your woman. Isn't she old enough to make her own decisions? Why is she giving up without a fight? Perhaps she feels, in the back of her mind, that her father is right.

You have alot to think about. And your past isn't going to be excused just because you think it should be.

Answer 5

Hi. I feel for you and will pray for you.

However, I have to ask; why did you ask this man's permission to begin with? His out-and-out rejection of you is very telling. Doesn't he know that Christ hung out with the outcasts of society, and that Christ in the life can change a person's heart? It smacks of legalism.

Now, I know the reason you probably wanted his blessing...you wanted there to be harmony, and I can understand that. But what about her? See must be heart-broken. Nine out of ten, she is going to harbor anger against her father for this.

Sometimes God puts those things we need to work on right in front of our faces; perhaps that is what God is doing with this man. When you go on to lead a life full of worthiness and are blessed by God, perhaps he will rethink his position, and that may be God's purpose in this.

His daughter should talk to him about how she feels about this, and another Christian that doesn't have a legalistic attitude should show him some scripture dealing with this; such as stories like the alabaster jar (he that loves much, is forgiven much), or the story of Zaccheus. There are many stories in the Bible that demonstate how wrong it is to have a legalistic attitude.

Remember, it is God's approval you seek, not man's. Pray for his will to be done, and for the heart of this man to be opened to the true gospel.

I'll end with this scripture:
Ephesians 5:31:
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

Also, someone should have him look at 2 Peter 1:5-9. It's on my profile here. Have a look. Nine sums it all up.

Answer 6

What I see that went wrong here is that you made a vow, in contravention of Jesus' commandment not to make vows: "Let your yes be yes, and your no, no." (Matthew 5:37; James 5:12). I think people underestimate the significance of these verses. The problem with vows is twofold: (a) Your vow may be contrary to God's will; and (b) By dedicating yourself to a specific course of action, you give satan an opportunity to make a fool out of you.

I cannot speak for God here, but here's what I'd suggest. Confess your sin to your female friend, and both of you pray together for your forgiveness of your sin of making vows against God's will (James 5:16). Then pray for God's guidance as you regroup and decide what to do.

So this woman's father denied your request. It appears he didn't give you a response either. I think as a Christian, he owes you an explanation, and he owes you the opportunity to display your obedience to God. Please don't make the mistake that so many people do of conflating obedience to Christ with obedience to men, especially pastors.

My gut says that after you've taken care of the repentance, it is up to you and your friend whether you get married; it is not up to her father, unless that is what she insists upon, in which case I suggest you decide either to keep pestering the minister, or you move on.

There's a lot more I don't know about your relationship, but I recommend the following: (a) no engagement until you've been dating a year. (b) no marriage until a year of engagement--or two years total.

I am very aware of the special brand of judgmental- masquerading- as- pious that many ministers engage in, and it bores me. It is possible, even likely, that this man rejected you because your past was something that offended him (in violation of Christ's mercy to all). You will have to learn to defend yourself from such pharisee behavior if you truly want to follow the Lord.

Perhaps you were hoping this minister would help you with your own ministerial call; I must point out to you that you should not idolize others. God will make a better minister out of you through His spirit than any training program, and Jesus Christ is your guide. People desperately need the kind of visceral and daily experience of Christ that comes from seeking His hand in all things, but mostly all anybody gets is institutional weekly church.

You are a living example of the renewal that comes from Christ's spirit, and I praise God for you--you are an asset to Christendom. The fact that you've been rejected is to God's glory, and I believe that after prayer and reflection, you and your lady friend are free to chart your own course in life. Do not forget your testimony of the new life you've been given.

Let me recommend the book "Blessing or Curse," by Derek Prince, and the following website: http://theearlychurch.com/english/sounddoctrine.html

God's blessings to you and your woman friend and her father, in Jesus Christ's name.

Answer 7

If you and your girlfriend were 15 I would understand your dilema. If the girl will not marry you without her fathers blessing I respect your position, if you are staying away because you feel your not worthy but yet you love this girl...don't give up, but do it in a respectful and kind way. If you love each other and truly want to be together...and you have been engaged for a LONG TIME elope and her family will either learn to accept you or they will loose a daughter.

Answer 8

I think that you should continue to pray about this... If it is God's will that you marry her than her dad will approve. Maybe write him a letter telling him how much you love his little girl and how you plan to take care of her. Ask him what it will take for you to prove to him that you love God and his daughter and that you have changed.. Maybe use the bible story where the guy worked 7 years to marry Rebecca (or was it Rachel)

Good luck to you

Answer 9

Since I live in the West I would never dream of asking a father to be able to marry a girl over 18 years of age. That's between me and her and her and her parents. She deals with them I deal with her.

No offense intended, but were you also going to ask permission to make children after the marriage and if her father said no, never have babies.

Now, if you're from an Eastern Culture or Africa, my views might seem harsh, but this is American and the Christian girls that I know do what they want.

Answer 10

In my opinion, your first mistake was thinking that you should get permission from some man to marry "his" woman (assuming the woman is an adult). That just does not show much respect for a woman, if you ask me. But, you've done it, and worse, you promised to abide by his wishes. Perhaps you could ask him why he won't give his blessing, and then work to show him that his concerns are unwarranted? But geez--start treating this woman like an adult, dude. She's not cattle. Her father doesn't own her, and you're not looking to "buy" her. For pete's sake.