What is the best way to tell a potential date that you won't sleep with him before he marries you?

Question

I am looking for someone to spend my life with, I'm 40 and looking for someone up to age 58. I would think that some of these guys would have similiar values as me but it seems like they all give some indication that they would expect sex without marriage. I don't want to scare anyone off with the M-word but I am not giving away free milk, they have to buy the cow. I have learned from experience that having sex with a guy doesn't make him marry you. Sex is important to me but I am not interested in being used and I don't want to waste any time meeting someone who isn't on the same road as me. I don't want to come across as cold because I am not at all, but I can't compromise what I want or I will end up alone as I have in the past. How can I tell these guys I very much enjoy being physical but that it won't happen with them without the benefit of marriage? After all I mention in my ad that I am looking for relationship that includes marriage.

Answer 1

I admire your values.. not many women like this in the world these days..
If this man is of a good moral upbringing, he will respect you for this and wait, if he doesnt, then he's only after sex and not for you and your good values... He wont die if he doesnt get any for a few months... a little patience might do him good..

Answer 2

Just like that! It's sad that in today's casual sex mentality, people who have standards are the oddballs. I wouldn't bring it up unless the opportunity comes up in conversation. Don't be the one to initiate it! But at the first opportunity, just say,"I'm not into casual sex, and I don't sleep around outside of marriage." That lays it out, gives no expectations of marriage, but lays out your standards in a pretty easy way. You will have to be upfront these days, and fairly early on so the men don't get mixed messages based on their own expectations, but let the conversation go there naturally. It probably won't take more than the first date or 2.

Answer 3

Just put that you do not believe in sex before marriage and I'm looking for like minded men, you'll get a better quality of men answering,the kind that respect that ,the other one just want to use you anyway .If someone ask you why you don't believe in it and your not religious ,just tell your saving your cookies for the right man ,you don't want to be all used up.Men respect and like woman who respect themself ,are hard to get and a challenge.Makes you worth the effort.

Answer 4

fed: Be up front with the guys you date and be tactful. How? Start by stating that you like to just have "fun" and that you have no inclination whatsoever, to hop into the sack ! Relate your past experiences ( without giving out too much detail) and tell him how you felt afterwards - like a cheap "dish rag". Further; relate how you hated being dumped after the sex and you have since, decided against having sex prior to the commitment of marriage. Personally; I'm surprised at the number of girls, who continue to allow themselves to be bed-ed down, guy after guy, believing that she will "get the guy to like me". Guys like to conquer and leave . Good for you "fed" - you are saving yourself a ship full of heart aches and problems by demanding commitment before the sex. Smart gal !!!

Answer 5

You may want to try one of the sites like Match.com or others like it. I applaude you for your values and good sense. I would not broach the subject of sex until you have been on atleast 5 dates. If he brings it up before then, you already know what is in his mind. If by the fifth date he has not brought it up or pressed to round the bases, then have an honest conversation with him about what you want out of life. Let him know that you aren't going to try to force him down the aisle, but that this is what you really want and if isn't what he wants to see in his future, then you think maybe it would be best to see other people as it is what you are looking for.

Answer 6

my answer is, tell the guy that you like doing things slow and steady (lame to say but a guy will know what it means). a guy will let you know if he just wants sex or not, he might not ever say it but in his actions will tell if you watch. also depends on where you find these guys, rarely will marriage material come from a bar. guys with moral fiber exist just that they are hard to find due to women always wanting the bad guy. hold on you will find a man that values the same as you, just be clear in what you want and a man won't be confused.

Answer 7

I think that would be something that you share with him openly and honestly, on the fifth date. If it isn't an issue in the first four, then he is more interested in you, as a person. As you know, relationships are all about comprise, and respecting each others values.

Answer 8

You stated how you feel very well in your question, and I think you should state it exactly that way to the men you meet. I didn't sleep with my husband until our wedding night, and neither of us have ever regretted it.

Be patient, because there are still some really great men out there.

P.S. I'm 40, and I got married at 35.

Answer 9

Don't give up. My mom is marrying a man in December that she has been with over a year and a half now, and she let him know from the beginning that she wasn't like other women she knew out there and she wasn't about to sleep with him. As they got closer and closer she still stayed firm with her decision on not to sleep with him and he respects her for it.

Answer 10

Be honest and open about the subject. If they value you at all they will respect your wishes and stand by your side.