My good friend came to me today and told me that her boyfriend is pressuring her to have a n a l s e x. He won't leave her alone. She told me that she explained to him that she is not ready to trust him to do that to her. They have had regular sex and she is fine with that. She was sexually abused by her father sinnce she was a little girl- that is why she has a trust issue with it. She told him all this, however he will not keep pushing her. She wants me to advise her. Any ideas of what to tell her?
2006-11-30 16:12:17 · 21 answers · asked by marrymirror 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Her father would an ally r a p e her that is where trust issues about that kind of sex comes from.
2006-11-30 16:20:45 · update #1
If she doesn't want to do this, for ANY reason, she doesn't have to. PERIOD. Any guy who would pressure her to do something she is uncomfortable with is not looking out for her best interests. He is being selfish, inconsiderate, and ignorant to name a few things. Although they may have a great relationship in many other ways, and this may be the only problem, it is a HUGE one. If a guy feels that it is perfectly fine to put his sexual desires, or more specifically his penis, ahead of another human beings happiness or comfort.... well that's disturbing. A relationship should ideally be about love and trust, not satiating a desire that is purely one sided.
I am especially concerned for her because of her history. Having told her boyfriend about these things he should feel compelled to be extra cautious regarding such issues. His lack of character in this regard gives a good indication of his true nature: selfish and shallow. Sorry to say such things, I do assume he has great qualities besides, but he is acting in a terrible manner regarding this situation.
My advice to her, or for you to pass along to her, would be to reconsider the relationship completely. Does he puts his needs ahead of hers in other circumstances? Do her feelings seem to play a role in any of the decisions regarding the two of them? Does he treat her well other than the disrespectful pressure? If he tends to behave in this manner in other areas of the relationship, this is not an isolated problem, and it isn't likely one to be resolved within the relationship.
When someone says no, it means no regardless of the reason, especially when it comes to sex. If you've ever even read a rape pamphlet you'd have come across this. While he may not be physically forcing her into the act, prolonged pressure is a mental strain, and he is emotionally abusing her. She doesn't have to defend her decision, he has to respect it.
So, since it has been determined that he is behaving with disrespect, selfishness, and thinking with the wrong head, she must decide if this is what she wants in her boyfriend. I know she deserves MUCH better, and I haven't even met her. I hope she will come to same conclusion and consider leaving him. There can only be better things in her future if she does.
Thanks for being a good friend.
2006-11-30 16:28:09 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Let her know that she has a boyfriend who does not respect her and her body. And that he is a selfish jerk.
He's not wrong for having the desire to have anal sex with her. But he is selfish by having no regards for her feelings especially when she has given an explanation as to why she is not willing to participate at this time.
Tell her, if he leaves her over this, he was going to leave her anyways and it wasn't about sex.
Better yet, tell her to make a deal with him. Tell her she should make an offer to him by saying: "I'll let you have anal sex with me, as long as you agree to letting me hit you in the balls with a hammer"
She never said never, she said just not right now until she can build up the trust especially after being sexually abused as a child. Tell her to take her time and not go against her wishes.
2006-11-30 16:23:51 · answer #2 · answered by Tired of being Mr. Nice 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is a selfish pig and he is endangering her life. There are serious infections a woman can get from that kind of sex. He has no concern for her feelings and that means he doesn't care for her at all. He is just using her for sex. She needs to get out of that relationship immediately.
I suspect that these guys who want that kind of sex may be gay.
2006-11-30 16:18:23 · answer #3 · answered by notyou311 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like she has good reason not to trust him with that task. You really have to have a special trust with a man to allow him to do that due to the damage and pain that could be inflicted. She can tell him that his continued pressure makes her feels that he would not be patient enough with her during the act itself and that if could show restraint and allow their relationship to get stronger, they could try it down the road. She doesn't have to commit to it now.
2006-11-30 16:17:55 · answer #4 · answered by Sissy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if he truly cares for her then he will stop pushing the issue and respect the reason for her not wanting to do it. it seems to me that he is only thinking of his own pleasures and she should not do anything that she doesnt feel comfortable doing no matter how much she cares for him. she will know when the time is right and honestly she may never be ready to indulge with him in such a way.
2006-11-30 16:17:28 · answer #5 · answered by brndy_rbrts 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her to absolutely not let him pressure her into it! She should only do it when she is ready, and if he cant understand that then she should re-evaluate their relationship. Especially since she was abused as a kid he should be extra sensitive to her feelings. That's just ridiculous that he would pressure her when he knew that about her... tell her to stand up for herself.
2006-11-30 16:16:29 · answer #6 · answered by Katie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She needs to follow her heart and do what she wants to not what somebody tells her she has to do. Knowing all of that information, if he cared for her at all he wouldn be pressuring her to please him. I think she needs to tell him that if he can't respect her wishes then he's better off finding somebody else who's willing to please him. Your friend doesn need a guy like that in her life anyways, he sounds like a real jerk!
2006-11-30 16:21:01 · answer #7 · answered by angels85 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if he will not keep pushing her...what's to worry? or you meant something else? a guy who doesn't respect the gal esp. on the sex issue is not worth keeping. trust me!
2006-11-30 16:16:20 · answer #8 · answered by xyz 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would explain to her that if the guy she is with does NOT understand and she has to turn to you her (dear friend )then that is NOT a guy should even been with and let her ponder on that instead
2006-11-30 16:46:12 · answer #9 · answered by chase 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
shes fine with regular sex but not anal because she has trust issues?
i dont get it
2006-11-30 16:15:04 · answer #10 · answered by cheechandchong1979 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋