Is Constant Fighting with Fiance Normal?

Question

My Fiance just moved in with me from out of state. He has a job. But we have been fighting 80% of the time. Is this just due to the adjustment or is it because we aren't meant to be. We fight about cleaning up, the apartment, family holidays, appliance purchases, etc. But does a bit of negativity breed more and then become a non stop tornado of it? Do such bad times pass or is this a sign we aren't for eachother?

Answer 1

Really your not fighting, your probably just bickering. Its like adult going pains especially if you just moved in together. My fiance and I were the same way. I even gave my ring back!!! but we went to a communication specialist (couples therapist) and learned some tricks to communicating. I know its hard and you start thinking that things won't work out, but if you are truly meant to be, you'll be OK. We had all the same issues you mentioned.Try this, sit and talk it out, if one of you is a blabber use a 5 min timer so you don't get off track of the topic at hand. Don't allow yourselves to deviate off topic nothing gets solved that way. Each of you should list your gripes with each other and go through the list,pick a time where you can really talk( no TV, no phones). It will take a few tries before you can get through it with out yelling. No name calling and no blameing, start sentences like "going foward blah blah blah"Cleaning? write up all the chores that need to get done and you together, divvy them up, then once chores are committed to on paper, its a non issue. The hard thing is understanding that you don't get everything you want anymore it's all about 50/50( which sucks sometimes, but that's life) And there is no shame in meeting with somebody once a week if that's what you guys need, its not easy, it's one of the most stressful times in your life. In some cases your insurance will cover it under adult therapy or under the the wide range of depression (even though its not,they just bill it that way and its legit because the situation makes you sad and stressed, don't feel labeled as depressed). Best of luck to you both

Answer 2

It could be an adjustment question, but fighting 80% of the time isn't a good sign. If he's moved in with you, then your turf is being invaded and you probably have all sorts of established routines, things that you like to do in a certain way, etc. Someone else tromping into that can be very upsetting. That's why it's easier to start out on neutral turf. But, as that isn't an option right now, just roll with it for a bit and see if he's willing to be accommodating or if he wants to be ''king of the castle" on your turf. Some of the things you are fighting about -- cleaning up the apartment, family holidays, appliance purchases, are things that you are going to have to deal with after you are married as well, so if you can't find a way to work things out peacefully, you might want to rethink whether this is, indeed, the guy for you. Married life is full of compromises, and if you're playing house now, then you should both be working on those compromises.

Answer 3

I can very much relate to this situation. Before my fiance and I moved in together, we already fought a lot, and we still do. We also argue over cleaning the apartment, bills, family, and that sort of thing. What I do is just pick and choose my battles. When he's making me angry, I give myself time to calm down, then I work on a project or something. Once the issue has been out of my mind for a while, I will go back and revisit it. I think, how important of an issue is this to be arguing over? If it's no big deal, I give in (or just drop the subject). Then the next time we argue, he will be a little more willing to see my view, since I've given in a little. I'm not sure if this works for everyone, but it has helped my relationship somewhat.

You might also consider seeing a marriage counselor. I haven't been to one yet, but I've heard they're pretty good. There will always be bad times in the relationship, so maybe this arguing will turn out to be a good thing. You're already seeing each other at your worst before the wedding, so you know exactly what you're in for when you get married. And if you're fighting over big issues, just remember that you got engaged to him for a reason: you love him, despite all of his faults. Consider compromising on some things. If it's really important to you, let him know that you love him, but you're going to stand your ground.

If it's not meant to be, you will know it. But if you're still questioning the relationship, it is still worth working on.

Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 4

I would say just be extremely careful. My parents have been married now for 24 years and still fight 80% of the time! No, it does not get any better. Now is the time to find out if you are really compatible with each other. If you never on any occasion show each other you care, you don't hug or kiss, you don't enjoy being together in public, your interests are just too different, and you don't feel peace with each other, then I'd say get out now! Believe it or not, loving someone is supposed to be a pleasant thing.

Answer 5

Not a good sign! Could you two live apart for awhile and work on the issues you are fighting about? If you are fighting now, I don't think getting married will make it any better. Myself, I could not be content in a relationship with a lot of friction. Life should be happy and peaceful, for the most part.

Answer 6

my fiance and i fight somewhat...no correction, I fight with him (i can be a nag) we are crazy madly in love with each other...and totally meant to be. We are just stressed with the adjustments (he moved to a different state to be closer to me...altho i live in Canada and he is still in the States) Its an adjustment period. We talk everything out. Sometimes its heated (me again) but we always resolve things fairly immediately.
A little tiffing is 'normal' just never let it get carried away or carry on.
I love my fiance very very much and i always make sure he knows that...that way when i b*tch he knows it is something i will get over.
Don't look at it as a sign you aren't meant to be...if you look for flaws you may just find them so be happy and love each other...and enjoy the make-up sex!!

Answer 7

Adaptation to a new condition comes at a price. I expect that he encounters problems in his work as a start, and that's normal.

And because your fiance hasn't still got the chance to have new friends in his job, his inner complaints will not be expressed anywhere but home with you.

So I guess it's a normal reaction, and I advice you to not react to his expressions on a usual basis, because it is most probably not what he meants, it's just "I am tired of this new life here.."

Try to address this inner core problem in him through a subtle message in your communication like "It's ok honey, don't worry everything will be ok."

Sometimes even silence will do the job, it will give him the opportunity to self-revision and he will be the one to come back and appologize.

Hope that helps.

Answer 8

nope sounds completely normal honestly. i know what its like i moved in with my fianc'e from out of state as well we use to fight a lot but the more we try not to the better we do. heres what you do.

When you start arguing think to your self why are you arguing is it that important?? DO NOT BRING UP PASSED EVENTS OR FIGHTS that only makes things worse. when you realize that what your fighting about is stupid then make sure you say it. tell him this is a stupid fight i love you and kiss.

Answer 9

Get into counceling. I know that if my ex-fiance and I had done that, then he wouldn't be getting a divorce from his wife of only a month now. We would have gotten married instead, because that way we would have had someone to give us advice on how to handle situations as they come up.

Answer 10

Are you two going to be in premarital counseling? If not, that might be a good idea. You'll talk about all those types of things... you've got to be 100% certain before you make the marriage commitment. Good luck to you!