Need help with a difficult situation.....?

Question

I work form home, and my fiance works graveyards. my cousin calls me at all hours wanting me to feel bad for her because her baby daddy is using drugs and taking all their money. She has a 5 yr old and a baby on the way. The thing is I dont feel sorry for her. She chose to stay with him even after he spent her rent money. she tries to make me feel bad because we have a house and a nice life, and my man spoils me when he can. All i get is it must be nice to ...(fill in the blank). We use to help her out when he was in jail, but we started hurting so I cut her off. I dont say how i feel because i dont want her to blame me if she loses her baby, yes she would do that. what can i do if i dont pick up my phone she calls my man, and while he is at work, or the rest of our family and we are all sick of the world owes me attitude. I cant cut her out completely because i am her child's godmother. what can i do, and pls no stupid dont pick up your phone. I am losing my mind

Answer 1

I know someone like that! Frustrating, isn't it? You just have to tell her the next time she starts whining that you're sorry for her situation, but she chose it and you didn't choose it for her. It's her responsibiliy to solve it, not yours. You have your own children to raise, and you can't raise her too. That your family works for those things that "must be nice" and you have access to them because of the choices your family makes. And that if she wants a different situation, she will have to make different choices. It's not easy, but her life and her irrational emotional response is not your creation, nor is it even your problem. I'm not saying to be cold or hateful, but some people have to have things laid out for them very clearly because their minds don't connect the dots like the rest of us do.

I HATE entitlement mentalities!! They always come from people who take no responsibility for their own choices and blame the world for the mess they created in their own lives!

Answer 2

Suppose, after reading your question, I decided to blame you for every problem I have ever had. Do you care? If you did care, is there anything you can do about it?

The only thing you can control is your own behavior. How your cousin wants to characterize your behavior is her choice, not yours. She has no power over you, other than what you choose to give her.

You criticize her for staying with her baby daddy (whatever happened to the word, 'husband'?). Are you not doing the same thing she's doing, by allowing this woman to drive you crazy?

I don't think refusing to speak to your cousin is your only option, but I do think you need to start defining your relationship with her, instead of allowing her to call all the shots.

Decide what kinds of things you are willing to do for her. You might even approach her, with an offer of assistance. At the same time, if you feel like you are being abused, say so. If all else fails, tell her you're going to hang up the telephone, and do it.

You haven't mentioned how your man is reacting to this situation. Hopefully, you can get him on board, so she will see that calling him at work is not going to get her anywhere either.

If that doesn't work, and it's to the point where she is jeopardizing his job, you might consider getting a restraining order. Not an attractive option, I realize, but you need to do what you need to do.

Answer 3

She makes bad decisions in her life and is jealous of you and your life, that looks so much better than hers. She made her own decisions and she has to be willing to make changes. You cannot help her until she is ready to help herself, I would try to get a support line phone number and give it to her. I would ask her , not tell her... that her calls are disrupting your home and that it would be more convenient for you to call her ONCE a day to see how she is doing. Mention to her, that in order for you to continue as friends she must get help with her situation from her social worker, church, support group... someone. Tell her you are not a professional and you think that someone who is qualified could probably help her. Have the phone number of that person handy and give it to her. Cut the call short by telling her you have to go to an appt. or whatever and tell her you will talk to her after she has contacted the help line...
If you do not push her towards that, you will continue to have to endure the bad behaviour and disrespect for your household that she is showing you. You have allowed her to do this to you and you must put a stop to it.
You can still be part of the baby's life, but you don't have to be sucked up into her vaccum of unhappiness.
Remember she is choosing this behaviour and you should not be held hostage... She will do what she will do, you will not stop her nor will she change her behaviour if you let her continue to disrespect you.
The ball is in your court and you must step up to the plate and don't be afraid to speak up. You have nothing to lose at this point.. You might even get her to listen.
If she gets rude and nasty with you for suggesting these things. then you know you have done all you can. You have to say good bye to her until she gets her life together...
If you are tired of this situation, you must act now and do something to try to change it... You must initiate it.....she is not willing or strong enough to do it on her own. She wants sympathy and attention and will do anything to get it. She probably is calling many other people and disrupting their lives as well.

Answer 4

You are going to have to tell her eventually or it will just boil over into a big blow out fight. Chances are she already knows what a loser her child's father is. Maybe you should tell her there are resources out there to help people in her position. Bottom line is she needs to be faced with the truth, you can't keep coddling her. She has children to think about and there isn't always going to be someone there to help her out. She needs a little independence so she can quit depending on this loser. Encourage her to change her situation every time she starts with the "it must be nice" deal. Tell her it is nice but, that you and your guy had to work really hard to be able to afford the "nice" things. Tell her those things don't just show up on your door step, the money has to come from somewhere, and that they aren't just going to show up on her door step either.

Answer 5

I'm really sorry to say this but, don't pick up the phone. She needs to get the message that you're not there to take her bull and the only way to deliver it is to really minimize the amount of access she has to you. Tell your man to not answer it either.

The godparent thing, the child will be fine. You have to cut this cancer out of your life. Please try.

Answer 6

Honey you need to tell her how you feel.

You don't owe her anything. Like you said, it is HER decision to stay with that loser. You have a life too and cannot be responsible for her. She is grown.

Sounds like you have done all you can for her, you have been very giving and understanding in the past, now she needs to return the favor and let you have your space.

Answer 7

Tell her gently tha tyou understand her situation and that if she chooses to get out if it you will help. Be there for the child though. If theres no food...feed the child...if theres no clothes...find some...Make time for your Godchild because you may e th eonly stable thing in his/her life...Just dont help the arents. My husband and I buy our nnice nice clothes from Goodwill...They are cheap and if the parents dont take care of them then we are not out alot but at least I know shes warm.

Answer 8

i think that your extended family that is related to her should all sit down together with your cousin and discuss the inconvenience your cousin is placing onall of you. dont feel bad that you made the right decisions in life and dont feel so much pity for her because youve tried in the past and she only took advantage of you.

im not suggesting that you all shun her out of your guys' life, but all of you should let her know that you guys can keep taking care of her and her mistakes. if it takes her to have to spend time in jail, maybe it is for the best and for the best interest of her son.

as for the son, i think that another family member should consider takin him under legal guardian to ensure his well being and safety.

stand your ground. youre in control. good luck.

Answer 9

I KNOW ITS PROBABLY EASIER SAID THAN DONE BUT MAYBE IF YOU CAN TELL HER SUBTLY THAT YA KNOW YOU R THERE FOR HER AND THE KIDS BUT YOU HAVE A FAMILY TOO. SO MAYBE LAY OFF THE CALLS AT NIGHT A BIT. SHE SOUNDS LIKE THE TYPE THAT WILL MOST LIKELY GET UPSET BUT SHE'LL GET OVER IT WHEN IT REALLY IS IMPORTANT AND HAS KNOW CHOICE BUT TO CALL. AND THEN JUST BE THERE.

Answer 10

better look for another place to stay