Dad died, moved n with mom to help her dael with it = GOING OUT OF MY MIND!!!!ANY ADVICE! THNKS N ADVANCE?

Question

I'm 30. Dad died 8 mos ago. I quit job,left my home + moved n with mother to help.She's unable to work-health (illnesses r not life threatening) I'm not complaining that she can't work.(she gets disability)I'm unable to work because she had a lot of appointments. No one would offer me set hours of employment. So, all i've done's take care of her, who's able to take care of herself. She is unable to drive. Thats the worst of her illness. I take her everywhere. We r together 24/7!The only escape is taking a shower. She won't let me go off with ONLY FRIEND I HAVE LEFT! shs wants me with her. I thought it was a fear of being alone, but it is beyond that now. I cook,clean,do yard,drive,etc. I do everyhting for her except bathe+wipe her. NOw i'm clinically depressed + i cant take it anymore.We argue everyday.Just finished fussing. She+friend wanted to go shop, i did not.she demanded i go. I nicely said i would rather stay home and relax. NO! I LOVE HER SO MUCH! I CANT LEAVE HER-CANT STAY!

Answer 1

Talk to your mother.. tell her how you feel.. 8 months isnt enough time for people to get over a death of a family member.. but you need yout time to grieve as well.. your mom has to realize she is not the only one that lost someone.. its affected everyone in the family..
so everyone has to have their own time to grieve..
You could hire someone to come in and take her to her appointments to cook and to clean.
As i am sure you want to want to get back to working.
Its called home health care and they will help her with whatever she needs.. and they help with assisted living, daily activites and are trained to handle the grieving process that someone may be going through. by way of understanding and non judgemnt.. i know because im trained as one..

its an option thats out there.
you dont have to leave her completely you just have to let her know that you need your space, you need friends, and that you cant always be there 24/7.. she will get mad.. but she will come to realize that you have a life of your own to live and will probably not be so demanding on you..

Answer 2

She "won't" let you? You are letting her incessant demands jeaporidze your health- then you'll both be sick. You need to find out if her disability benefits will cover a health care aide or companion, to give you some space. Then you can get a job, and get into a new routine, and w/ your own life rolling again, you'll have some stress removed, and you'll be able to decide if you want to continue to live with her, get an apt nearby, or make other plans entirely. Call social services, your church, the local senior center- anyone you can think of re ideas on how to get her some care during the day, so you can go back to work. You love your mom, which is great, but you can't sacrifice your mental and physical well being for her- that hurts you and her.

Answer 3

U have ur whole life ahead of u. Is this the way u plan on living it? I am asuming u r singke and no children? U have lost a loved one and instead of having a mother to help u grieve over ur father, you have gained a child that needs to be taken care of. U sont deserve to have ur life controled. U need to talk to her. Be polite, but to the point. Tell her u love her, u dont mind helping her, but u need a life of ur own. Set up a time for urself and friends. Set aside days for ur moms appointments and the rest for yourself. Or maybe set up a duaghter/mother day where u DO spend time with her doing things u both enjoy. Get a hobby to help pass the time when u r at home alone. Get a part time job - be a substitute teacher, u decide when u can and cant work, thats what i do. When i have a busy week, i dont work. when i hhave a slow week i work and get that pay check. I do not know what ur beliefs are, but join a local church, get involved in their actiivities and maybe ur mom will too. with the Lords help he can pull u both through.
Maybe u could further your education. attend a community college. Put that down time to some use. Remember to take time for yourself even if it is to take a ride for a while. How about staying in a hotel occasionally to get away from the clutter of life?
How about seeing a coulselor. Sometimes just getting things off of ur chest makes a world of difference.
Slowly draw away from ur mother so she will have to be self-sufficient. I would recommend getting aa place nearby ASAP. This would really help. Praying for u. Sorry, if this is jumbled i just typed what came to mind.

Answer 4

Hi " Going out of my mind", I would just tell u to hang in there, but that doesn't help. I went through something similar and I know this is cruel to say, but u need to put ur foot down on some issues. I understand that ur mom may need u to go to dr apt's w/ her but u should be able to have some sort of personal life. U r young and u should be living ur life to the fullest. Set up a schedule w/ ur mom which gives u time to hang out w/ her or/& her friends. With work, you hsould to make ur mother understand u need some time to make a life 4-urself, remeber she will not be around 4 ever either, & what will u do if u stay out of work 2 long? For dr's apt. u can make a schedule that maybe u can onle schedule the apt's for tues & thurs that way that gives u mon, wed & fri to work and interact w/ others. u mentioned that her illness is not life threatening, try telling her on fri & sat nites u'll keep her company 'till 8-9 pm that way u can go party like all the rest of the single girls do at ur age. At first she will hurt, but if she is a loving mom, like u make her sound to be then eventually she'll understand. no parent wants to bring their child(ren) down & if she doesn't I hate to sy it she is selfish. I hope i helped alittle.

Good Luck

Answer 5

I'm not sure where you live but you can call the bus place and they will give you a number that you can call to have rids for her to app. And if she is disabled then you can call the wefare offices and tell them your mom need a part time nurse with her so you can go to work and they will give you a number to call for that too. I some what know how you feel. Their is help out their and if she get a nurse you can also maybe get one so you could get your own place they do have ones that do live with people. And I know you would feel bad if you did that. But you are 30 and you need to have a life too. If you do not have a life now youmay never get married or have kids and you will hate your mom for that so please get the help so you can live again. good luck. And you need to get your own place where you go see your mom.

Answer 6

A simple solution: get a part time job and don't ask for her permission, just tell her the decision. Then move out to a place closer to her so that you can still keep an eye on her but still have your privacy. Yes, it is nice of you to take care of Mom but you can't ruin your own life.

And ask for help from friends and family members to talk to her - she is having challenges dealing with grief.

Answer 7

You need to gently ease into doing activities on your own, start by volunteering or taking a class once or twice a week. She has become emotionally dependent on you and you need to get her used to you having things to do of your own, like a part-time job. And she needs to find something to do on her own, like bingo or cards at a senior center. You can help her become more independent but it will take some effort on your part. And she may resist at first, but be firm with her, you may have to let her throw a fit a couple of times until she realizes its not the end of the world.

Answer 8

You are a grown woman and you NEED to be on your own and have your own life. While it was very sweet of you to move in with your mom to help her out, you need to realize it's not healthy for either one of you. She needs to be doing things for herself and being as independent as she can be.
You should consider moving out and getting your own place somewhere close to her. This would give you your privacy, but also allow you to take her places, have dinner with her, etc. You don't need to live with someone to be there for them and help them out. If moving out isn't an option then you need to have a serious talk with your mom and tell her straight out that you are 30 and can't be with her 24/7. You deserve and need to have friends and activities that don't involve her.

Answer 9

You've put yourself in a very difficult situation, not just for you but for your Mom as well. She needs to grieve and move on with her life. You are enabling her to be completely dependant on you.

You must leave. Find a way to do it matter of factly. And stick to it. Do it for her and yourself.

Good luck, hon.

Answer 10

Ive got yourself in a bit of a predicament. even tho it is nice to help your mother and all that Ive got to try and break free.

I'm not trying to be Hitler or anything, but i mean if an old person is so far gone, then why must he or she be alive. naturally, some old people shouldn't be living right now but thanks to modern medicine....
if i were so old and crippled i wouldn't want to be alive! and most of all i wouldn't be putting my children through ****.