would you consider caring for a dying relative in your own home?

Question

my brother is dying from liver damage through years and years of drinking, i'd like to bring him home here and care for him but don't know what it would involve and whether i could cope or not. I've already had some experience as such, my mother came to live with me for the last eighteen months of her life and i looked after her but she had a more natural condition and passed away peacefully. I dont know what happens with alcoholics at the end, any help would be most appreciated, thanks

Answer 1

That's a big question and one you need to think through carefully.

You don't say whether you have support yourself at home. There's a world of difference between an elderly lady and an adult man with regard to care giving...

Is he mobile, if he is, is he mobilising on his own, or does he need help getting around? Is this likely to change much over the coming weeks/months?

Is he continent? If he is, can he toilet independantly or does he need help? Are you prepared to help him?

Is he mentally ok? A lot of chronic alcoholics suffer some brain damage also - Korsakon's Psychosis or Demintia - they can be difficult to reason with or converse with as a result. Have you taken any mental or personality changes into account? Will his cognitive/emotional state deteriorate over time, and if so how will you cope?

Will he be totally dependant on you for everything? Is this likely to be a home-hospital situation or more like an assisted-living situation?

Have you been informed about complications of advanced liver disease? Most importantly, have you been informed about oesophageal varices, and the significance of a rupture of one of these if present? This is probably the most serious crisis you would have to deal with, and it is potentially a very, very serious one for you to deal with. There are also other complications, like jaundice and swelling in the abdomen, among others.

Most areas offer a good home care package to support you - it's important that you talk to your local health service to find out exactly how much supprt you can expect.

Bear in mind, that even with the best homecare package, YOU will still be the main carer, and these packages are meant to support you, not replace you. Most packages will NOT provide night cover - you have to think what you will do if it's nighttime and you have to cope with whatever arises.

Think long and hard, it's a big decision. You're great to even think of it, but it's a huge undertaking...

Good luck with your decision. I wish you the best.

Answer 2

Think very seriously about this. You will need a lot of support from all angles. Palliative care, District Nurse, Social Services and home care - if he is eligible. It is a commendable thing to do, but not necessarily the right thing. He will invariably need morphine as Liver failure is very painful and he may be with you 6 weeks or 6 months (usually a lot less). Liver failure at the end is usually very sudden indeed. Do you have a family at home and are they willing for him to come also?
I nurse terminally ill people in their own home, but the question is, does HE want to be with you at the end or in a hospice? Have you actually asked him or is this something you feel you SHOULD do? Hospices are amazing places and you can spend a lot of time there where he will receive the best care and instant help if something happens. Waiting for an ambulance at home will seem like an eternity. Whatever you decide, the outcome will be the same and I wish you courage and fortitude to see you through.

Answer 3

Thisis a tricky one. Death from alcohol can be much nastier than just drifting off from old age.

Having said that, you need to get advice. What support is your GP and the practice nurses prepared to give you? What about social services - have you spoken to them? They might help with things like cleaning the house, shopping and so on.

A referral to a hospice would be a good idea, I think. Not necessarily so your brother can die there, but so you can get help, support and respite care. You could then decide nearer the time, with the hospice staff, whether you are going to be able to cope.

My own view is that as long as you have practical and emotional support, a doctor who isn't afraid to prescribe enough morphine to keep the person comfortable, and a reliable supply of oxygen for the last bit, it's do-able.

You need to be made of strong stuff, but you've already proved you are by looking after your mother.

I think you really must be a fantastic person to be considering this. Most people make no effort and just let their rellies die in hospital. I admire you greatly, and wish you and your brother all the best in the difficult days ahead.

Answer 4

Yes I have and I must tell you that it can get pretty bad sometimes. With an Alcoholic the liver does not process sugars and proteins properly and there can be a buildup of protein in the brain sometimes they forget who you are and can only remember things from a very early age like going to school or working on the farm. Depends on the Individual and their experiences. Even with all of the trouble I could not have had it any other way.

Answer 5

He should be in the hospital or a hospice. I know most people would like to be at home when they are dying, but it's just not feasible in some cases--like your brother. He's going to be very sick--much worse than he is now--and a lot of pain. He needs 24/7 medical care that you just can't provide him. Talk to a hospice. It's better than a hospital, he can have certain things from home and you can be with him all the time if you want--unlike a hospital.

Answer 6

you seem like a loving and caring person, and it seems natural that you would want to do this. However, I would strongly urge you to get the aid of your local social services to take some of the care on so that you get a break. Caring for someone can be hard thankless work, even if you love them, and it is important that you get regular breaks and know that you have some support at hand. Believe me, I know this - you are no good if you are a tired frazzled wreck. So contact your local social services and work out a care plan where they can come in occasionally and take over the care, so that you get a day out or a break or even just catch up on sleep.
Good luck - I hope it all works out. Your brother is very lucky to have you.

Answer 7

I'm sorry that your going through such a hard time. This is a hard question...

If you have a hard time dealing with death I wouldnt do it. I worked as a CNA for a few years and I can tell you from experince that dying from the effects of alcholism is very painful. Most of the alcholics i've seen die have been hooked up to all kind of machines at the end of their life. Thats another thing you should consider, can you provide the medical atention that he is going to need?

Answer 8

I want to answer a question for you because you seem like the only person that might be able to help me out.. hopefully? But i'm sorry I don't know the answer. I think you will have to have the person announce you as the legal god parent, paperwork and all that. I am eighteen and have been in the relationship for two years. He is younger than me. I have never been hit by a guy previously but have dated a few assholes. I didn't put up with it in the past. No law enforcemnt has been involved and i'd like to keep it that way but yeah gorwing up there was a bit of violence. Is there any way you could email me?

Answer 9

i think it is a wonderful thing you are thinking of doing and i am sure all the hospital doctors and district nurses will give you as much advise as you need to make an educated guess to see if you could cope. There is also respite care that the hospice will sort out so you can have a break. Ask loads of questions about his long term nursing care and what he will need to cope, there is also benefits you will able to claim, the hospital social worker will help you with this. Good Luck

Answer 10

You are to be highly commended. You are a sincere good living person. You ensured your mother had a happy 18 months before passing on. Your brother is a completely different case. Have you spoken to his medical team and established the type of care you will have to provide. Will you have help from social services. If having satisfied yourself that you can cope, by all means help your poor brother in his hour of need. If he has to remain in other care, you can also help him greatly by visiting at every opportunity. Good Luck.