How do I help my mother deal with my father's death?

Question

This is our first Christmas without my Dad. He died February 17, 2006. I'm dealing ok with it (I have my moments). I'm worried about my mother though. They were married for 60 years & he was her whole life. Now I worry about her becoming depressed over the holidays. She lives 150 miles from me, but I went to get her for Thanksgiving & she spent a week with my family. She seemed a little distant & withdrawn. We truly enjoyed having her around, but she kept apologizing for "being in the way". She wasn't in our way, but these comments really hurt me.
We bought her a small tree & set it up in her apartment when we took her home & she seemed happy at that moment. But when we left she cried & that really bothered me. I just want her to be happy.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Is there anything more I can do for her?

Answer 1

As a licensed family service counselor for a cemetery/funeral home business, I chose this vocation because of my own family history. My best advice is to allow her the opportunity to grieve at her own pace. Everyone deals with death very differently. You for example had a unique relationship with your father and she of course had a special relationship with your dad. After all the funeral/interment details were completed and her family and friends left following the services, she merely went into a crash and burn situation. She is dealing with losing her best friend and spouse. Regardless if his death was expected or not, she lost her whole life.You are so wonderful to extend your love and support to her. I can't even fathom your loss and I am truly sorry. Your living 150 miles away from your mom must be so difficult. But, with that said, she is still blessed to have you to lift her spirits. I always tell the families that I work with that grieving is "ok", I actually say, "it's ok". Many family members insist that someone "should get over it, or move on". My advice is "It's ok for you to not want to get out of bed, not to answer the phone, not to return to work". BUT, when an individual does not return to a normal, (whatever that means) and stable state of mind, then that individual should seek counseling or a support group. Does she belong to any civic clubs or a church? You could contact her friends in her community to visit with her or include her in functions, if she hasn't already done so. Also down the line she may want to volunteer for a senior center, etc. In no means should she volunteer for an organization in which may have involvement with why your father died. For example, the cancer society. I was in no shape to help others who were dying or recovering from cancer. I still couldn't do that. I lost my own mother over 8 years ago, I lived 3 states away and my dad told me from day one to "get over it". Now mind you, they were married over 40 years. I never did let go, until 3 years ago when I started this job. If only I was "allowed" to grieve I would never have held on for dear life regarding my own saddness and greif. I became fixated with her death. One often doesn't follow your own advice. So, when I tell people "it's ok", I mean that. Your mother will need to take time to work through this very difficult season, Christmas and other major holidays.Even living one day to the next without crying. I would suggest that you continue to call her on a routine basis, encourage her to prehaps find a local support group so that she openly express her feelings, when she is ready. I commend you for being so supportive. I hope that my insight was helpful, believe me working with grieving families every day has helped me make significant strides in my own grieving process. Each and every family that I work with has deeply touched my soul in one way or another. Take Care

Answer 2

Jane your mom spend many years with your father and so needs to grieve this loss in her own way. It certainly will be a sad and depressing 1st Christmas without him for her. Perhaps you and your family can have her over for Christmas so she is not alone, or if you have siblings she can go to one of their houses. A nice thing that you might want to do is to take your mom to your dad's burial site around Christmas. You will probably both shed tears there but will leave feeling a lot better by just going and saying hi etc. It's difficult for people when they lose their other half so try and be as kind and honest with her as you can. If your dad's death was caused by disease or illness you might want to remind your mom that he is probably in a better place now and does not have to suffer any longer. Regardless of how dad died you might also suggest to mom that he would not want her to be grieving his loss for eternity and that you are sure that he would want your mom to continue with her life happily and make him proud. You sound like a wonderful, thoughtful daughter and your mom is blessed to have you in her life. Best of luck and I do hope that everyone in your family has a great Christmas, even if it does bring some tears for your loss earlier this year, and that Santa is good to you all.

Answer 3

Well, my first suggestion would be to get her out of that house. It has lots of memories of her and your father there, and it will make her depressed wherever she turns. Take her for a vacation, check out some cheaper destination, preferably outside your country. I would suggest an exotic place for her, with white sandy beaches (Indonesia, Thailand etc), or you and your siblings could sponsor her and one of you for a cruise. It's cheaper than you think, so don't dismiss the idea :P. Besides that, discuss with your siblings and take turns to get your mum to stay at your houses. It'll keep her occupied. Get her a hobby so that she will have other things to do than to think about your dad. Maybe some easy gardening work (married for 60 years, i know she'd be quite old by now to carry heavy pots around the garden). Another suggestion is to get her a pet. They're wonderful therapy!

Answer 4

Sorry to hear that! That is a tough one.
Does she live in a retirement village or something like that? If not that may help because there is always someone her own age around and they get together and talk and stuff. Is there any other family members close to her? They could maybe help out. Can or will she move closer to you?
Sorry I gave you more questions than answers, I know it probably wasn't real helpful.

Good Luck!!

Answer 5

My dad went through that when my mom died. You don't realize it at the time because your still in shock over what happened. But as time goes on you start realizing that this did happen and you start thinking about. You alway's wonder if you did enough to help that person who passed on. Belive me I've been there 3 times with family members and have gone through what your experiencing. If it goes on to long take her to a grief cousler and let her talk about it. Just be there for her and tell her you care. There's times she will want to be by herself. Just give your mom time and some space right now.

Answer 6

WOW... Well, sweets. I feel for you! MORE THAN YOU KNOW! Its going to take time for her to heal. Her husband was probably her whole life. When my Mom died in 01 my dad practically drank himself into a stuper every night. The only thing that saved my dad was his NOW wife. Im not saying find her a man, But Find her some social support that she can talk to. I recently finished a Psych class on aging and death. So much research is being put into aging now (more than ever before) because people are living SO MUCH longer than before. Research PROOVES that older people who lose someone they loved NEED strong social support to make it themselves. So find her some friends, I dont know how old she is (Im thinking 70-80's) but friends are hard to find at any age. Get her into some social gatherings, Bingo, church, but she needs something. Good luck

Answer 7

You really can't do anything more for her, she has to get through this. My mother is going through the same thing. Fortunately, we moved her within 5 minutes from us so that we can keep her "occupied." It's those times when she is alone that they feel more depressed. I would suggest that you call her as much as possible and visit as much as possible as well. If there are other family members near her, ask them to visit her as well. Maybe look into some senior activities in her area so she can get out more.

Answer 8

She might be depressed, but that is ok... Just be there for her, whenever she may or may not want to talk. Call at a specific time each day, so that she has something to look forward to. Don't avoid the topic of your dad, she still wants to remember him and that's ok, too. It's a very tough time, but it will get easier as time goes on. I know that sounds trite, but it's true.

Answer 9

I think you have done enough to console her but death is a very emotional time and everybody deals with it differently. It takes time. It's even worse around the holidays. Good Luck.

Answer 10

introduce her to people, encourage her to meet people her age, find out the best places where she would be comfortable and take her there a few times, when she is comfortable to go on her own, she will make friends and feel better.