The most rudest adult joke you ever heard?

Question

I'm sure you won't be reported

Answer 1

According to me, these are 2 of the rudent joke in my collection.

naughty little Johnny @ the class

During one of her daily classes, a teacher was trying to teach good manners,

asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady,

how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

"What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I'm sorry,

but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at

the dinner table."

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your

good manners?"

I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to

shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to

meet after dinner."
____________________________________________________

The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and ask to see her ticket. She then tells the blond that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blond replies, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND
I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a
Blond sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blond and tries to explain that because she only paid for
Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blond replies, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON
AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blond who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED
TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

He goes back to the blond and whispers in her ear, and she says, "OH,
I'M SORRY." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON
____________________________________________________

BYE - Imtiyaz G

Answer 2

2

Answer 3

Here's my personal favorite, I heard it a few years ago and have never forgotten it... There's a trucker driving along the highway in Nevada, and he starts to get really horny. He then sees a sign for a Brothel (whore house) 10 miles away. He begins to get very excited when he spots a note at the bottom of the sign which says: "Beware of Sandpaper Sally." He thinks this is a bit weird but keeps driving and gets hornier and hornier. He finally gets to the Brothel, throws money down on the table, and says: "I want a whore." to which a woman repeats: "Okay, but the only girl we have left is Sally." He decides to take the offer and runs up to the room he's told Sally is in. He opens the door and sees the prettiest blond he's ever seen in his life, throws her down on the bed and proceeds to have his way with her when he notices that she is a bit rough and dry down there. He asks what's wrong with her and she gets up and goes to the bathroom. She comes back and they start again. He says that it feels great and asks what she did. To which she replies:"I picked the scabs." P.S.: I posted this as a question a few weeks ago and didn't get reported, so if I do this time there's something wrong with you people.

Answer 4

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I`m afraid I don`t have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I`m not attached, I`ll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black".

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my business and I`m sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that`s really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

Answer 5

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Answer 6

It's got to be the artistocrats. I have to say, I don't think it's that funny a punchline, but it has a cult all of it's own! Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about!

or follow this link - warning, it really is horrible!

http://humor.about.com/od/gross/a/ds072805.htm

or

http://humor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=humor&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dead-frog.com%2Faristocrats%2F

Answer 7

okay dont actually know any apart from a old one i heard about three young boys:
theres three boys called willy, zip and wee
they r massin bout in da classroom, when they hear da teacher come in
willy get into da cupboard
zip gets on top of it and wee decided to stand in front of it ready for a prank
the teacher comes in and notices wee, so knows straight away where the other two r
so she says
"Zip down, willy out, wee in the corner"







okay dats the best i cud come up wiv

Answer 8

a child is stood on the side of a cliff and is cryin. a man walks up behind him and says "what is wrong little boy". the boy xpalins that the brake son the car afiled and it rolled of the cliff his whole family are dead at the bottom and he ha no phone to call for help. what is more it was his birth day and he was feeling car sick and that is why he ws not in the car. he says that it is all his fault and would rather be dead than standing at the top of the hill.

the man unzips his flies and says "it not your lucky day is it."

Answer 9

What is green and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's fingers

Answer 10

a readhead and a blonde pass a flower shop as the readhead spots her fella buying flowers she say" oh **** he always has expectations after buying me flowers. i dont feel like it spedning the next 3 days on my back wiht my legs in the air. The BLONDE says............... dont you have a vase?