Thier my kids too!?

Question

my wife and i are seperated and got kids (3 girls ages: 14, 11, 9) My wife and I were pretty young when we had the oldest. we were 20 yrs. old. So needless to say that my wife is still pretty young so she relates real well with them especially the oldest. My wife is a good mother but since we've had our problems she's changed. Her views about things are different she's become more opinionated as well as arguementativeirst thing she did was tell my kids about our problems. I said not to do that. That they are our daughters not her friends! Now she let the oldest have a boyfriend, so she's on the phone all hours of the night. She's always gone. They are starting to get really sarcastic and I feel she's letting them grow up way too fast! The problem is since we're not together right now I really don't know what's going on there. Now she's got the kids looking at me through her eyes so when i see them don't want to yell at them. How do I stop this mad woman from letting them act older?

Answer 1

Young mothers very often allow their children to grow up faster than is probably appropriate.

I don't necessarily think telling some edited version of why you split up is a bad thing because kids can more easily understand why a split happens if they have a rough idea about what went wrong. That's not saying they should hear gory details, and it is not saying one parent should make the other come across as the bad guy. Anyway, I don't necessarily think this one factor you mention is all that bad.

If the oldest girl has a boyfriend and just talks on the phone to him that's kind of normal for that age. If she's in the house nights and just on the phone that's reasonable. Going out nights or dating isn't, in my opinion. I think its reasonable, though, to say "no phone after 10 p.m.". Saying the mother is "letting her" have a boyfriend is saying the mother isn't willing to stop her from doing something most kids that age do, which is have a boyfriend. He isn't going to last. There'll be another one in a few months. The big thing is knowing she doesn't have time to be off with him in a house somewhere (or even at the park without other people around).

Kids getting sarcastic between themselves happens no matter who their mother is. You have a right to tell the kids you don't want wise answers if you talk to them, and you may want to remind their mother that if she allows wise answers when she's talking with them she's going to regret the loss of respect later; when they get really into the awful teen years.

When it comes to what they think of you, you should just talk to them about your concerns. Tell them you think they've heard stuff from their mother (who may not mean harm) that you think may not be accurate. Tell them what you feel, why some things have gone on, etc. Just level with them and let them know your motivations and whatever else is involved. You define yourself to them. They'll decide what to think of you based on their own common sense and knowledge.

Don't yell at them, though, Talk. Talk about why you don't want family members to be fresh to each other or why you don't want the older kid doing more than being on the phone or seeing the boyfriend during school (or maybe at a Christmas dance). Just talk about your concerns, your beliefs, what you expect of them, etc. Continue to be their father. Use the time with them to communicate and enjoy each other's opinions and concerns and conversation.

Don't see yourself as the parent on the outside. You are the father. At the same time, be reasonable. Consider that their mother may be right or at least partially right. There is a way to talk with children and have really communicate and respect one another without giving up being a parent and acting like a pal. Parents can be a certain type of "friend" sometimes - just not a pal. If parents act like friends without giving up the authority and "seniority" of being a parent that isn't a bad thing.

You may want to see if there's a way you could spend more time with each girl by herself. That would give each one special time with Dad while offering the chance to really talk about your values and her interests, etc.

You may not be able to change a whole lot of what's going on at their mother's house; but you can be strong and act as something of a "balancing off" or an "antidote" by offering the girls high-quality time and talk with you. If something is going on that you don't like find some article that backs up what you believe, and then talk to their mother about it.

Answer 2

Just because she's the "mother" doesn't mean she is the best parent to raise your daughters as she is projecting her views onto her kids. The Courts are gender blind now days -- keep that in mind. I also recommend keeping a diary/journal of what was said and when -- you may need it later!!!! What your X is doing is ABUSE in every sense -- words DO hurt and they leave deeper scars. She is undermining your relationship with your children. Children can't and shouldn't be expected to deal with ADULT issues and separation/divorce is an ADULT ISSUE!!! Explain to them that this separation isn't their fault and BE THERE for them as much as possible either in person or on the phone, not just on "your weekend". Let them know they can come to you with their questions about what their mother says about you (as it may be very confusing to them) so that you can have a chance to defend yourself AND give them a more rational explanation. Also it's important to explain to your girls that sarcasm on any level is not an attractive quality for a pretty little girl -- it makes you sound and look UGLY and is not a good habit to get into !! You're absolutely right that 14 is too young for a boyfriend unless the kids are in a group and going to the skating rink or movies or something -- but to be secretive on the phone and be gone all the time, no no no --- that just doesn't flush. ..... check it out that drugs are not involved and make sure to have that discussion with your oldest because even if she resists your words, she will have no doubt about your views on the subject. Sometimes so-called "yelling" wierdly equals "care" to kids -- if you don't get "it" across somehow they think you don't care. If you say nothing they will NEVER know what you think or feel -- they're not mind readers. They may not know that all this really makes you sad too, not just them. Be honest and talk to them, heart to heart, all cards on the table, all questions allowed. Don't take them for a fool though.....They're children, not idiots. You may be amazed at how insightful they truly are. If you have trouble getting issues out on the table, you may consider family counseling with your daughters and yourself without the X (at least at first) -- it would be better than dealing with a teen pregnancy or drug addiction or whatever. Good luck. Stay Strong.

Answer 3

I've raised mine exactly as I was raised - with an openness towards ALL religions and with information on all of the above. When I couldn't provide the info, I have friends and family who could. And so what if they chose to be Christian??? I went through a Christian phase as a teenager; I learned an awful lot, not just about the religion, but the nature of human beings. Needless to say, I've not been a Christian in quite a long time - the span lasted about 2 years. But I met some awfully decent people- and some awfully horrible people - during that time. MOST children who "rebel" against parents religiously - pagans becoming christian, christians becoming pagan do so because they were NOT allowed and encouraged to explore other belief sets, they were NOT taught tolerance (Telling them to be tolerant of others and then not letting them study other religions does NOT teach them tolerance, no matter how tolerant you like to believe you are). My children have rebelled in other ways, because there was nothing to rebell against religious wise. The eldest leans toward Buddhism, the youngest is interested in chakra manipulation for fitness and martial arts. Bottom line, I could care less what religion the choose to be, as long as it makes them happy in their lives. Only thing I draw a line at is cult involvement - and cults are easily defined- look it up.

Answer 4

~You have to get an attorney for your divorce anyhow, use him for setting up visitation and/or custody. I'm sure your attorney will tell you to keep a journal, dates and times, of everything. The oldest may have the option to choose who to live with, or to even go to visitation.

Your wife needs to go to some parenting classes. She should not be dragging the children in between their parents problems. She is not thinking about them first, or she just doesn't know what it's doing to them. The children should be going to counseling to learn to say "hey, this is not my problem." They shouldn't have to choose between mom and dad, as if this were war.

I think she may be acting this way to make sure the kids stay with her. Yes, the children need a parent, not another friend. They will more than likely understand this when they're older.

I'm very sorry for you and your girls. I wish I had more advice, besides telling you to get a lawyer.~
Good luck.

Answer 5

I don't think there is much you can do. Your saying that they are growing up too fast is hard to respond to when you don't define "growing up."

You aren't in the home any longer. You don't realize how time passes with them, and you don't want your babies to grow away from you so quickly. I'm sorry but that's life.

Their ages indicate that you are in for a few years of smart mouth and sarcasm, a teenager's sharpest tool. Don't blame this on their mom. It's part of a teen-aged female's DNA.

Maintain your standards when you are with them. Don't let them get by with things because you want them to like you. They might for the moment, but they won't respect you and that is by far more important.

Answer 6

This situation saddens me. It is obvious that she is "toying" with you with your children, unfortunately. I hope I never find myself in your position.
Perhaps you could start keeping a journal of her misdeeds and try to get custody of the girls--the mother doesn't sound like she is keeping their best interest at heart. Any judge will see that. keep praying for peace & striving for common ground--
good luck

Answer 7

beat ur wife silly. but if that doesnt work then shoot them all. just kidding. u cant really do anything about it. Just try to talk to them how u feel i guess