Under what circumstances is a man who cheats once forgivable in a long term relationship?

Question

What about one night stands?

Has anyone had a similar experience?

We had been having fairly constant sex un until four days before.

He told me about this himself without prompting 3 weeks after the event.There was no way I would have otherwise found out.

He got drunk with college friends from 6pm onwards.He then offered to walk a girl he thought didn't like him to the train station.She missed her train.Between the two of them they got a hotel room-double/single I didn't ask.Once in the room he said he wanted to just sleep, but she suggested sex.She guided him into her and they had sex "twice but in the same sequence of events" he also remembers going down on her.The next morning he says he felt awful about it.

Roll on 3 weeks. I notice he hasn't been calling as much as usual. We go out for a meal and when I get flirtatious and suggest going home with him, he backs off.

So last friday. He comes over and tells me what happened. I am shaking. Up to this point we have only ever slept with and gone out with only each other.We have been together for nearly 5 years.Basically its total devastation.But VERY oddly I went home with him that night...Now I feel like I'm losing the plot....HELP ME!!!We're both 24.

Also he did say he still loved me and wanted to continue the relationship.

Answer 1

WOW! This is a difficult one.
The hardest bit about this is that before this relationship can go forward, you need to find out why it went backwards.
I don't believe that people do things just because they're drunk. It's so often used as an excuse.
Think of it like this; imagine someone that you see as a total turn off, he makes your skin crawl just thinking of him.
You go out drinking with a few mates & this person happens to be in the pub/club
You end up having too much drink (although you're still able to walk around the streets without falling over) Don’t forget you’re drunk now, you’re perhaps not thinking right, your inhibitions are down. You're on your way home when you bump into this Guy & end up having sex, not only that but you go down on him too.
What do you think the chances of that are??? Right, absolutely none.
The point I'm trying to make here is no-one has sex just because they're drunk; they have sex because they want to. True! They may regret it the next day but they had it because they wanted to. (I’m not referring to non-consensual sex or date rape here)

Having said all of that it's true that when drunk we can behave in a way that we wouldn't normally when sober. Our resolve is down & bang (excuse the pun) we've done the dreaded deed.

It is possible that you can both continue in this relationship, only you know whether you want to give it a go. If you're looking for a way out then this is it Girl, get your trainers on & run like hell. If you're not looking for a way out then this episode can be put behind you. BUT; it will take a hell of a long time. You’re not going to trust him for what seems like an age. You will go to hell & back & who knows you may even end up in therapy. It's no good asking yourself if you can trust him right now, of course you can't. But you can learn to trust him again.

Would he be prepared to go through what it's going to take in order to re-build your trust? What an absolute idiot he's been, it can take years to build trust in someone & just a couple of minutes to tear it all down.

I think it may be a good idea to hold off of making any decision just yet. Still carry on seeing him if that’s what you want, but you both have a lot of stuff that will need sorting out & working through. Don’t expect this to resolve itself, it won’t. It’s going to take a lot of hard work, a lot of tears, a lot of anger & a lot of time.
Of course on the downside; (as if that weren’t enough) you may need to find out if he’s told you this because he wants to finish with you but lacks the courage himself to do it. So is hoping you will. I really cannot understand any other reason for a Guy that not only confesses he’s had sex with someone else, but that he WENT DOWN ON HER.
I wish you luck, you’re going to need it.

Answer 2

Think it depends on the partner. Could you get past it and move on together, without jealousy and anger being part of everyday life?

To accept someone back, you have to be able to forgive, which is a lot harder to do than just saying you do. You have to be able to accept it, not necessarily forget it, but not hold it against him for the rest of your time together. This can sometimes mean finding out about the hard facts of how and when it happened and looking at why. You would need to be prepared to admit maybe you have contributed in some way something to lead to this.

It would be very hard to put it out of your mind and accept that it has happened and there is nothing you can do about it. I would say put yourself in his shoes for a moment, has there been any time that you have/nearly have strayed? If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel?

If you hadn't said in a long term relationship, then I would say never, get rid and move on.

In a long term relationship I think its different, but only if this guy is truly sorry that he has hurt you, not that he is sorry he has been found out.

Good luck!

Answer 3

If it was a one night stand it would depend on the reason for doing it... ie. depression, relationship with no sex, ........ i need more details please.

Oh good... more details... When people say 'Once a cheat always a cheat' i think that is bulls*hit.... ive never cheated and as far as i know never been cheated on but know a few people who used to do it when they were your age or younger but would never dream of doing it again for many reasons from growing up, got married etc.... You will normally find the people who say this have had it happened to so are a bit bitter.

As for forgiving i think only you can make your mind up as somepeople can forget where as others and i think i might be one of them where it might be on my mind for quite a long time which mind cause me to not trust and cause arguments.... You didnt say if he wanted to stay with you etc... If he does it might be worth giving it a go as i know people who have and are still together 15 years later with kids.... but there will always be people who cant work it out after this.

oooo good...more updates lol .... If i was you i would give it a go, if you try to make it work at least you can look back and say i tried but it wasnt to be rather than look back and wonder what if. Remember you are still young so loads of time.... enjoy ;-)

Answer 4

I think it's a matter of personal choice, and circumstances.

My X hubby cheated on me after 8 years of marriage, and I wouldn't and couldn't forgive him at the time, and divorced him. Maybe if I had loved him more, or understood his reasons better, I could have forgiven him at the time. Or if I could see faults with myself, thereby "forcing" him to cheat, maybe! (although nothing is reason enough to cheat on someone you profess to love!) I have since forgiven him, but will never forget. We are now friends.

If you want to continue a relationship with someone who cheated, and can see it in yourself to forgive - then go for it. The only problem is that you have to be able to NEVER throw it in his / her face when an argument arises. Then you will NEVER get past it, and your relationship is doomed anyway.

Answer 5

It all depends on what happened and who is doing the forgiving! Some people can forgive and not precisely forget, but put it to the back of their mind, and go on to have a stronger relationship.

We cant really advise with so little detail.

You would need to understand why he did it, he would have to be genuinely sorry and you would both have to feel sure it would not happen again.

Answer 6

Id give him one more chance coz ye are together so long but if he ever messed up again that would be the end of him. At least he told you eventually which proves hes honest. It'll probably take a while before you can trust him though

Answer 7

it is your life so only you can know what you will tolerate, personally i dont think there is any excuse for cheatin, drunk, depressed, seduced what ever??? i would not ever be with someone who has cheated on me as that is the ultimate betrayel and would make me feel totally inferiour and i would not be able ever to feel confident that my guy was a one woman man.
yes he told you but at the end of the day he slept with another woman and that is totally out of order, whos to say he wont do it again, if you ask me get yourself a faithful man. and get tested he might av passed something on to you.
good luck love.

Answer 8

Man, seriously, I cant imagine myself forgiving my guy if he ever cheats on me. Right, to be truthful, there might be a slight change that we could still be together but the shadow is still there, which is unlikely to be healthy for the relationship right?

As quoted from my guy, "once a criminal, forever a criminal". Till this point of time, I cant totally agree to this thinking of his, but at times, I guess we have to, or we're force to believe?

A wound will heal, but a scar cant heal.

Answer 9

OH WELL! as the song says some good things never last.... however, if there is really love.... true and genuine love takes every bit of pain and is ready to accept things without conditions and compromise.

Answer 10

I couldnt live with myself knowing that my man had cheated. I would always be wondering ' was she better than me?' 'what arent I giving him' and I fell that no matter what I would never deserve to be treated like that, So I'd end the relationship after the first time.