How do you really forgive?

Question

I had a question earlier about my recent ex that treated my bad while we were together. He has cheated on me. kicked me out of "our" house (That I payed 1/3 of the morgage every month and 1/3 of the bills) to entertain his mistress. He cororsed me out but locking our bedroom door so I couldn't get my clothes. He decided to invite half naked women to "our" housewarming and turned his head away when I tried to kiss him in front of them. He went to an ATM and made me get money out of my account to pay bills before we went to the hospital while I was having labor contractions when I was having my son. He ignored me in the delivery room. I couldn't even enjoy my son coming into the world because I was so hurt. I hurts because I still love him though I know I can never go back to him, and he wants to be a pert of his child's life at least finacially, (He came over one day and I had asked him to change his child's diaper, he got his 4 year old daughter 2 do it instead.) How do I forgive him?

Answer 1

As poet Edwin Markham approached his retirement years, he discovered that the man to whom he had entrusted his financial portfolio had squandered all the money. Markham's dream of a comfortable retirement vanished. He began to brood over the injustice and the loss. His anger deepened. Over time, Markham's bitterness grew by leaps and bounds. One day while sitting at his table, Markham found himself drawing circles as he tried to soothe the turmoil he felt within. Finally, he concluded: "I must forgive him, and I will forgive him." Looking again at the circles he had drawn on the paper before him, Markham wrote these lines:

He drew a circle to shut me out, Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout;
But love and I had the wit to win,
We drew a circle to take him in.

Although Markham wrote hundreds of poems contained in many book volumes, the words he wrote while forgiving are his most popular and memorable. As he forgave, a tremendous act of creativity was released within Markham. The poets and mystics among us have long known and declared that the act of forgiveness releases great healing power.

Author and minister Charles Fillmore recommended forgiveness as the most effective way of restoring inner harmony and balance: "There is a mental treatment guaranteed to cure every ill that flesh is heir to: Sit for half an hour every night and forgive everyone against whom you have any ill will or antipathy," he wrote.

While forgiveness has always been an important concept in religion and ethics, only recently have psychologists begun to discover its powers as a psychotherapeutic tool. In three separate studies, people who had not resolved the wrongs done to them - college students, elderly women, and incest survivors - all improved when therapists helped them learn to forgive. Although an increasing number of counselors recommend that we forgive those who have hurt us, many people find forgiveness difficult to offer. Here are 10 guidelines to help extend forgiveness and ease resentment.

1. Educate yourself about forgiveness. "Forgive," according to Webster's New World Dictionary, means: "to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; pardon; to overlook an offense; to cancel a debt." Thus, the goal of forgiveness is to let go of a hurt and move ahead with life. Visit a library and research books or magazine articles on forgiveness so that you understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy forgiveness. For example, Robert Enright, Ph.D., an education psychologist at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, stresses that true forgiveness is not:

Forgetting. If the hurt wounded you enough to require forgiveness, you may always have a memory of it.
Excusing or condoning. The wrong should not be denied, minimized, or justified.
Reconciling. You can forgive the offender and still choose not to reestablish the relationship.
Weakness. You do not become a doormat or oblivious to cruelty.
2. Spend a few minutes each day cleaning out your thinking. At a local florist shop I once watched the owner remove tiny bugs from a potted plant. Using a cotton swab he meticulously plucked off one small tenaciously clinging offender after another. Although that tedious process took him several hours of silent concentration and steady work, he was able to rid the plant of what would ultimately stunt its growth and ruin its loveliness. There is a lesson from that florist which applies to daily living. The only way to keep ourselves free from the infestation of troublesome thoughts is to spend a few minutes each day cleaning out our thinking.

Has someone hurt you by his or her comments? Were you publicly insulted by someone? Did a friend fail to come through for you? Pluck off each offending layer of thought and dispose of it just as the florist disposed of the tiny insects destroying his lovely plant. Doing so insures that a vague irritation does not transform itself into a deep resentment and an intense hatred.

3. Practice on small hurts. To become a generous forgiver of major pains, practice forgiveness on small hurts. Forgive immediately the small slights inflicted by strangers - a rude clerk, a driver who cut you off, a doctor who keeps you waiting and waiting, etc. Use those events as practice time to prepare you for the tougher task of forgiving major hurts.

4. Challenge the "shoulds" in your thinking. Forgiveness is much easier when you give up the irrational belief which fuels your frustration, anger, and hostility - the expectation that other people will always act in the way you want. Beware of the "shoulds" in your thinking and speaking:

He shouldn't have done this to me.
She shouldn't act that way.
My daughter should have known better.
My son should be more attentive to me.
I've worked hard and I should have been rewarded.
Whenever you find the word "should" in your mind and talk, challenge yourself. Tell yourself it is unrealistic to expect that people will always act decently and respectfully toward you. Remind yourself that everyone is fallible and capable of making a mistake.

5. Understand that resentment has a high price tag. "Holding a grudge takes mental, emotional, and physical energy. It makes you obsessive, angry, and depressed," observes Barry Lubetkin, a psychologist and director of the Institute for Behavior Therapy in New York City. "There's a strong connection between anger and a wide spectrum of health miseries - chronic stomach upset, heart problems, and skin conditions among them. Without question, the more anger we experience within, the more stress we're under," he adds. Whenever a hostile or hateful thought enters your mind, try to be fully aware of the harm that resentment can do to you, even making you ill. Let that knowledge further motivate you to forgive and let go.

6. Remember: Lack of forgiveness is giving others power over you. Withholding forgiveness and nursing resentment simply allow another person to have control over your well-being. It is always a mistake to let such negative emotions influence your living. Forgive, and you will be able to direct your life in positive thoughts and actions. An excellent example is that of educator Booker T. Washington (1856-1915). An emancipated slave who started out living in abject poverty, he had to work from the age of nine to help support his family. Instead of becoming bitter about the hardships he faced and viewing himself as a victim, Washington worked hard to improve his situation. He first became a janitor in a school to obtain his education. Then he went on to teach at Hampton Institute, one of the first African-American colleges in the U.S. Later he organized and became president of Tuskegee Institute in Alabama. "I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him" was Washington's lifelong motto.

7. Recognize the ripple effect of harboring a grudge. When you can't forgive someone, there can be a ripple effect which negatively infects your family and friends. Writing to advice columnist "Dear Abby," a woman says: "I have something to say to the millions of families whose lives are affected by divorce. An unforgiving and bitter person who has not let go of animosities can poison an entire family and ruin the holidays for everyone. I know. I was that person." The writer, who signs herself as "Free in Vermont," explains she could not forgive her former husband and his new wife, and her children suffered her ensuing bitterness. "One day after a particularly harsh outburst, I understood the pained reaction on my children's faces. I prayed for the strength to change my ways so that I could stop hurting those I love most in the world." Although it was difficult for "Free in Vermont" to extend forgiveness, she did so and says:

"I have peace in my heart and my children are happy. They are free to enjoy both homes." Forgiveness is a priceless gift which you can give to yourself and your family.

8. Bury the grudge - literally. Write a letter to the person who hurt you but don't mail it. Express fully, clearly, honestly how you feel and why that person's act hurt you and made you angry. Conclude with the bold declaration that you have forgiven him or her. Then, bury the letter in a potted plant or somewhere in your yard. This is a powerful symbolic exercise which many people have found to be extremely therapeutic.

9. Try instant forgiveness. Lewis Smedes, a professor of ethics at Fuller Theological Seminary, Pasadena, California, and author of Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve, tells of his rage toward a police officer who brutalized his young son, John. The officer was a large 250-pound lawman who assaulted his 140-pound son and then charged him with resisting an officer. Although the charge was quickly dismissed, Smedes's rage and hostility were not so quickly appeased. Realizing that his intense feelings toward the police officer were creating a personal emotional crisis, Smedes knew he had to find a way of forgiving.

"I tried a technique that everything in my temperament resisted," he writes. "I thought about how a priest gives instant absolution to a penitent, right off the bat, in the confessional booth. And I decided to give this cop absolution. 'In the name of God I hereby forgive you-go in peace,' I said out loud, at least six times. It worked enough to get me going. I felt myself pried a couple of inches off my hate. And I was on my way."

10. Recall repeatedly this one vital fact: forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. A former inmate of a Nazi concentration camp was visiting a friend who shared the ordeal with him.

"Have you forgiven the Nazis?" he asked his friend.

"Yes."

"Well, I haven't. I'm still consumed with hatred for them," the other man declared.

"In that case," said his friend gently, "they still have you in prison."

That story points out this reality: ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Bitterness and anger imprison you emotionally. Forgiveness sets you free.
http://www.sober.org/ForgVict.html

Answer 2

I don't think you're asking the right question. Let's stick to basics and figure out, "How can you deal with this?" or even more simply, "How can I move on?"

Honestly, you gotta become much more agressive and a little heartless. Go seek out other men, ask your relatives to help take care of the kids, and do something for yourself. The more you go out there and enjoy YOUR life, the easier it will be to take care of your children's and the easier it will be to ignore (and later, FORGIVE AND FORGET) his.

This may sound a little cruel, but let's get real. You can only pay attention, care about, and do so much. Also, by devoting mental resources to him, you're detracting from your own potential which is interfering with your judgement and ability to help others. When we've fallen into a pit the best way to get out is to not look down. Sure we can reflect on what we're rising above, but the more we look back DURING the climb, the less likely we are to succeed. Besides, being a romantic is most enjoyable in paradise rather than the gauntlet.

This is why I said you need to get out too. It's easier to get back on your game when others are supporting you ESPECIALLY when they're newly made friends (or friends with benefits). Not only are they an objective force that backs you up, but you can look at them and say to yourself how the world likes you. YOU went out and YOU grabbed someone else's attention and convinced someone else to invest time and energy in YOU. Just as much as a salesman gets a rush from making a big sale, you'll feel great about making a big friend while you were not at your best.

Best of luck and Godspeed. Please don't dwell on this. Enjoy your life, be audacious, take some chances, and live it up a little.

No. Live it up a LOT.

Answer 3

You don't forgive him for his sake - you forgive him for your own sake. He did very bad things and you are totally justified by being angry with him. But that anger will hurt you - not him. I actually feel pity for him - he will never know a true and loving relationship - because he puts himself first. He will live a very empty life. He really needs to turn his life over to the Lord.

So, the past is past. you can't change it. You go on from here. Forgive yes, but do not ever let that person back into your life. You don't need to be his door mat.

As for loving him, I think you really need to take a realistic view of this person - if what you are saying is true, what is it that you see in him? If you are honest, you probably love what he used to be or what he could be but not who he is. It is the illusion you love.

How do I know? I was there once. It hurt. But, once I saw the truth of how this person really was, I realized that even if I did at one time love him, it was not enough. A relationship needs more than love. It needs honor and respect. It needs nurturing and caring. Don't sell yourself short. You need a person who will love you as much as you love them, not one who only loves themselves.

Answer 4

Wow, you have had it tough, very hard things to try to forgive him about. My sympathies go to you for being treated so poorly.

It would be hard for any of us to say how do you forgive him when you have been so wronged by this person.

Just know forgiveness not only forgives the other person but it also leads to our own healing and letting past things go because in the time of forgiveness it is also a time of letting go. If you can find some way to forgive him, then you will be doing you the most good of all.

I wish you well and God bless.

Answer 5

I'm not sure how you forgive someone who hasn't repented. But if he does ask for your forgiveness, then you need to forgive him. Forgiveness is for the strong, not the weak. And Jesus is the ultimate forgiver.
Whatever you do, do not hold resentment against him. That will cause bitterness in you. And bitterness can ruin you, it can make you old, fast. The sooner you move on, the easier it will be to forgive him.

Answer 6

Pray and ask God to release the pain that your caring with you because its only hurting you and perhaps your children. Believe it or not they feel your burden that your carry daily. Ask God to help you to forgive this person. what I did was wrote the person name on a piece of paper and prayed over it asking God to help me forgive and through it away. Imagining that this was the person. Yes I do think of the situation but its no pain. I will keep you covered in prayer.

Answer 7

It will take a long time and counselling for you to do this. God asked us to forgive those who strike against us, as He has forgiven us. BUT you don't have to FORGET! Your ex will get his just reward, let God handle that.

Sometimes love just isn't enough. Check out your local women's shelter, they have excellent counselor's and group sessions for women like you and me to get through this.

It took me over 5 years to finally sit down and write him a letter saying I forgave him, then burned it. The end.

Look forward to a new life without the misery, don't look behind. As long as you don't forgive him, he is still controlling your life and your thoughts. Ask God for help.

Answer 8

Tell yourself that what's in the past is in the past and can't be changed. What happened sucks, but you can't do anything about it. You have to make a decision that you don't care about what he does anymore and as for the stuff he's done, just let it go.

My mom was terrible to me for years. No matter what I did, I wasn't good enough and she had to say so with a raised voice. One day I decided to just let it go, I still loved her but what she did and said no longer affected me because I knew that she didn't care about me and her opinion meant nothing.

Answer 9

forgiveness is easy... forgetting is the hard part. Once you resolve to accept that he is who he is and you cannot change him...you will be able to get on with your own life. So, I say, forgive yourself for a choice that did not work out. You did get a wonderful child to love forever and that is the most important thing.

Answer 10

The bible says pray for those who spitefully use you, forgive and it shall be forgiven you. It is hard to forgive but pray and ask God to help your heart. He will show you and help you do it, you may not forget about it but he is the healing balm of life on our open wounds.

Answer 11

Forgive hijm for the pain he caused you.
Forgive yourself for shacking up with a fool.
Move out.
Move on.