Who knows a good Catholic joke?

Answer 1

A priest, a pedophile and a homosexual go into a bar - he orders a beer ...

Answer 2

A man died and went to heaven. He was being given the two penny tour by an angel who pointed and said, "See that hill on the right? that is where the Muslims reside." pointing again, he said, "and down there in the valley is where the Jews are. And over there in the olive groves are where the Protestants are." The man looked around and saw this huge wall behind him that disappeared in the distance in both directions and had to be hundreds of feet high. He asked the angel, " What is behind the wall?" the angel said, "You must never go to the other side of the wall." "Why not?", asked the man. The angel replied, "Because that is where the Catholics are and they think they are the only ones here."

Answer 3

This is not a "dirty" joke, nor is it a putdown of Catholics. I hope you find it funny.

Two catholic priests retired and had lots of time on their hands. They decided to open a fish and chip stand. It did very well so that they added more staff. All was going well until there was a bad accident about a block away. A man came running into the store yelling "We need a priest, we need a priest!!!" The man behind the counter answered. "Calm down, calm down. Now which one do you want; the "Fish Friar", or the "Chip Monk" ?

Answer 4

A rabbi, a Baptist Pastor, a Pentecostal pastor,and a Roman Catholic priest went fishing together. (It was the first time the priest had gone with them).
Around lunch time, they were sitting in the boat, when one of them realized he had left the pack sack with all the lunches on the shore.
So the Pentecostal pastor got up, stepped out on the water, and walked on the water to the shore. The priest was stunned. But then the rabbi did the same. The Baptist pastor followed suit. The priest was mulling this over, and finally decided: "If they can do this, so can I", so he got up, stepped out on the water, and sunk right down. Watching from the shore, the rabbi turned to the two pastors, and asked: "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"
(Meaning no disrespect - I've heard this one at the expense of both pentecostal and baptist pastors - but you asked for a catholic joke so I turned the tables on the priest this time).

Answer 5

Yes I over heard a mid aged Catholic man talking to God saying ;
"why me ? why can't I just once in my life win the lottery ? I've
been faithful to my wife ,I've raised two kids , I nearly never sin and when I do I go to confession and make atonement . So why can't I just once win the lottery ." At that there came an enormous awesome voice as if from the heavens that said ,
" BUY A TICKET !"

Answer 6

A priest was standing at a urinal when another man walked up to the one next to him. The newcomer couldn’t resist taking a peek at the priest and was shocked to see he had put several nicotine patches on his penis.

Not being able to let this slide he leaned over and said, “Father I don’t think those go there.”

“They are fine right where they are at my son,” the priest replied.

“Do they work better there or something?”

“They're working great,” the priest said with a shrug, “I down to just two butts a day.”

If there was such a thing as hell this would be my RSVP.

Answer 7

Its the middle of a hot summer, and the air conditioning at St. Boniface has broken down. Shedding his vestments after Mass and rushing to the churchoffice, Father O'Shea tries to find a Catholic repairman to come out and fix things before the evening Mass. But, alas, no one is answering the phone at any of the numbers he calls. Sighing, but keeping the comfort of his flock in mind, Father O'Shea calls an air-conditioning repairman who isn't in the church Rolodex.

And in half an hour, here comes Mr. Wright, a Baptist. After checking the temperature control wiring and poking around a little, Mr. Wright climbs up by the air ducts to see if he can find the trouble. While he's up there, he looks down into the sanctuary and sees a woman kneeling and saying her rosary. Mr. Wright decides he'll have a little fun, and he calls down "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered".

There isn't any reaction from the woman.

Mr. Wright mutters a little to himself, but decides that she can't hear him, so he calls down a little louder "This is JESUS...your prayers will be answered!'

Still no response from the woman.

"She must be deaf" Mr. Wright thinks. "One more try", and ye YELLS down into the sanctuary "THIS IS JESUS!...THE SON OF GOD!...YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!!!"




Without looking up from her rosary, the woman shouts back "SHUT UP!!! I"M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"

Answer 8

A very wealthy man dies and was standing in front of St. Peter, at the golden gates, St Peter said I see you were a very rich man but also very cheap. The man answered OH! NO! St Peter the other day I gave a poor man $5.00 bucks, so St Peter says he will talk to god about this, God gave St Peter the $5.00 bucks back and told him to tell give it back to the man and tell him go to hell.

Answer 9

Catholic priest gets pulled over and a cop smells wine on his breath.
Cop asks if the priest has been drinking. He says "no".
Cop says well, "do you mind telling me whats in the bottle in the back?"
Preist says "just water in there officer"
Cop takes it and says "this smells like wine"
Priest says " Oh, I'm sure its water, have a taste"
Cop takes a sip and says "thats wine!"
Preist says "its a miracle, He has done it again!"

Blessings
David

Answer 10

Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"

Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."

The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."

Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin"

Man replies "Who is that?"

Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"