how do you discipline your child without yelling an screaming at them all the time?

Question

My three year old son is getting to that age where he is talking back at me and chucking hissy fits when he can't get his own way!!! WHAT DO I DO?? HELP!!

Answer 1

I'm going to scream:)

Has no one heard of spanking?

Although it fell into disrepute in the 1950's a lot of younger parents have found that the social non-spanking experiment was a failure and have started using the method that parents have used for eons.

Although I was spanked as a kid I was convinced in college that it was inappropriate. So I did not at first spank when I had my own kids. To make a long story short--in the course of being a Mom I changed my tune and decided my parents were not so dumb and old fashioned after all.

I know that anectodal stories are not very useful--but that is the major reason I spank--it works for me. I also think it is fairer and less mean than punishments like time outs and groundings. A spanking gets the punishment over and the air is cleared. The other things drag the thing out. I don't want to be a parental jailer. With younger kids I think the whole point of why they are being punsihed is lost. With older kids it is no more of an effective punishment and inspiration to strive for better behavior than jailing adults is.

I think if more parents would spank--and do it correctly--they would be very surprprised by the results they get. And I don't mean for every little thing but not just as a last resort either. The real key to making it work is consistency.

I should also mention all the research that has been done on this subject showing it is bad. These are all statistically flawed. Infact to the surprise of one researchers who surveyed all the research--he found it to be the most effective method of getting children to comply with the wishes of their parents. For more information on this see my discussion at: http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-ggifacyzf...

There is a reason parents have been spanking since time immemorial. The anti-spanking movement is very new. And like a lot of new untested ideas I am convinced it is wrong.

Answer 2

Three is the worst possible age, and four is only a little better. At age five, things start to improve.

The good news is that you are in charge. Yes, really. Your son doesn't get to do or possess ANYTHING unless you say so. This doesn't mean that you can control his every word, deed, or thought, but you don't have to tolerate bad behavior. Yelling and screaming are bad ideas, both because they create a negative atmosphere and because they show that his bad behavior "works" - hey, it got him your attention, right? Better to refuse to associate with him altogether when he behaves this way. Some parents and caregivers like the three-minute "time out." You can try this and see if it works. Personally, I find longer separations work better, as the kids I have dealt with (as a nanny) can easily sit through the time out, possibly finding ways to grab your attention during it. What I do is send the kid to his or her room for ten minutes or so (for your son's age - longer for older kids), and then go and see if s/he is "ready to listen." If s/he says "yes," I warmly say, "Great," and remind the child again of the rule that was broken. If the answer is "no," s/he has to stay, but this is rarely the case.

This having been said, I also do not demand perfection, and I certainly don't demand that the child agree with me. As long as he obeys, he can have his own opinion on the matter. If a child acts out just a little bit - making a loud protest, for example - I casually dismiss it. It often ends there. If it continues, I ask the child to stop (hurting my ears, saying mean things, etc.), and if it still continues, I follow the plan detailed above.

Answer 3

I have six kids and I have don't have to do alot of screaming or yelling. I have a chart on the wall of what is expected of them from their behavior as well as their chores and including homework, Everyday they are to look at the chart, it they have completed everything with no attitude,no fighting,then they get a star, if not they get nothing. At the end of the week, if there rows are completely filled up, then we do something special. If I ask them to do something, I ask once, if they sit there I repeat myself a second time just in case they didn't hear me and the third time, they are disciplined. Whether it be taken toys, games, TV, computer or whatever it is away. I don't have alot of problems with my children's behavior. I am told quite frequently, how well behaved and well mannered they are. And if you think for one second it is because I have put the fear of God into them you are right. I have only had to spank my children maybe a handful of times throughout their lives. The oldest one is 16 and she is great. The one time my 13 year decided to lie about something and I made her write sentences, approximately 500 to be exact, she hasn't lied to me since. Also I get down to their level and talk right into their eyes. That way I am not towering over them, I am talking at there level.I hope that this helps.

Answer 4

I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old and I don't yell or scream at them, honestly. I don't spank them either and everyone always ask me how I got my boys to behave that way. You have to start by asking yourself what I'm doing that my child is talking back to me. To begin with don't yell at your son and speak to him the same way you would want someone to speak to you, in a calm respectful collective manner. That way he'll know that you are not upset and that you are listening to him. Obviously he wants your attention and he wants something from you. If he still acts up don't yell or get upset just take away something that he enjoys the most and tell him when he stops yelling you will give it back to him and when he stops his hissy fits then he can get what he wants.

Answer 5

Let him throw the fits and do not give in. to stop it. Your child will soon learn that the fit throwing will not get the results he wants. When the fit is over tell him that if he wants something he should act and ask correctly. At that age they will learn what gets results. This is a time to train him to do the right thing. Several years ago I use to keep my sister in laws kids when her and my wife would go shopping. They had a history of the same behavior but they soon learned that around my house that got them no where. I remember watching as first one then the other would throw a wall eyed fit. We soon came to an agreement that if they wanted something from me we would act polite and show some respect. Their mother would always ask how come they would mind at my house and not at theirs. I never raised a hand and hit or yelled at either one of them. They are now grown and our relationships are built on mutual respect. Good luck and give it a try.

Answer 6

It's tolerable twos, terrible threes, and yes, f*ck*d-up fours. Three year old are tough because they are just now finding out their own identity and at the same time testing as many limits as possible. Time-outs work well, at least as a cooling off period for you. I've done a lot of yelling and screaming, and I have never ever been an angry person. I suck at consistency. I'm a solo mom and so I have to be both the good guy and the bad guy. But I can tell you to learn from my mistakes. If you're consistent now, you'll be able to bypass many of the problems of having a four year old that acts like a three year old. You don't want that, believe me. Try sending him to his room (only thing that works for my girly), or time outs. Try a naughty spot or whatever you want to call it. The thing is, pick one thing, and stick to it. Good luck!

Answer 7

Unfortunately, every child and every parent are different. You have the fun job of figuring out what works for both of you.
My son is also three, and I believe they misnamed the 'terrible two's'... it should have been three's.
Anyhow, with my son a stern, "No, sir!", will usually work.
If he still keeps it up, I'll get down to his level, look him in the eye and tell him what he's doing is not OK.
If that doesn't work, my next step will be to is to give him three warnings, and I let him know that if I get to three, he'll get a spanking.
Time-outs never work with him, but definitely try that before resorting for a spanking.
And, most importantly.... if you do have to spank, be sure that you're not angry when you do it, because that does come across.
Good luck!

Answer 8

well ever heard of terrible twos? it's not twos it's the threes. it's when they get a feeling of their own identity. it's annoying but normal. when they fuss instead of talk just simply tell them you can't understand them when they are fussing. don't give in until they calm down and talk. hissy fits when they don't get their own way are perfectly normal. don't give in other wise they will continue to throw fits every time. time outs help a lot one minute per age. i have a 5 year old with mood disorder and i don't yell or scream often. i ask my children to do something if they don't i simply ask what i asked them to do if they can repeat it back i say well do it then and then they do it. if they don't do it they have to sit in a time out spot. with back talking i get firm and explain that it's not nice to talk to me that way and if that is the way they want to talk to me they can sit by them selves for awhile (timeout) my daughter has a bad habit of back talking. a lot of it is the age and your son will probably outgrow a lot of it. right now he's at the age where he wants to test you and see what he can get away with. i also like to praise them when i catch them practicing good behavior they love getting praise and it helps them to want to act the right way. negative/positive reinforcements go a long way even with a child that has mood disorder!!

Answer 9

I completely agree with "heylisten". That tactic sure does work for me. I have a four year old and it took about 3 days for him to finally get that misbehavior wasn't going to work. It didn't take as long for my 16 year old or my 13 year old. But of course, I had to use something other than time out in the room for the older ones. With them it was use of the car and allowance debits for every infraction. Works like a charm.

Answer 10

I wonder that a lot. I have a three year old boy. We have to yell at him all the time and I get so irritated because I feel like he has a better time at school (daycare) then he does at home.

At school, I know them try to distract him. They simply give him a new focus. That works sometimes. My husband preaches consistency. I'm not sure what the best thing is...I wish I did. I think it's just important to make sure you never yell out of anger; make sure you NEVER spank out of anger. This way you never hurt your child, you punish him.