need help with my sons.?

Question

I have 3 sons. there ages are 14 and 12. my 14 year old son can always find a way to make me and my husband mad. it either with grades. or him not getting his way. but we have punished him, but nothing seems to help. My two other sons are both 12. one of them can never be totally honest. he lies about things. the other twin is honest, but he covers for my 14 year old. And he helps lie for both of them. he dosnt really lie. but he dosnt really tell you what your asking. help!

Answer 1

hmm... sounds like a bit of a conundrum. I think that there's probably an underlying cause for all of this dishonesty. Let's start with your eldest son. You aren't solving anything by getting mad at your son for not doing well- clearly it's not working if he still hasn't changed his attitude. You cannot make somebody suddenly want to do well, they need to motivate themselves. In other words, you can yell and get mad all you like with him, but this is only going to frustrate and discourage him from trying to improve. What you should try to do in order to motivate and/or help him is get him a tutor for the subjects that he's struggling in. This will help him in tackling his weaknesses. Also, call his teachers and organise a meeting so that you, your husband, your son, and the teacher can meet up to discuss where he's going wrong and how he can improve. Also, ask the teachers if they can help him out at lunch times, or even after school (this is a useful option if you aren't able to afford to send him to tuition classes). The teacher's role is to help your son, so I'm sure that they'd be happy to help him outside of class. Furthermore, you need to organise a schedule for all of your sons, that prevents them from going out until they have studied and finished ALL of their homework- make sure to check this, and initially you may have to really enforce the schedule on them, but gradually they will develop a study habit so that they know how and when to study. This will take time, but be patient with them, and offer as much support and encouragement as you possibly can. If one of your sons doesn't do too well on a test in future, ask him about his grades (and if he refuses to tell you what he got, or lies, then call the teacher yourself and enquire) and ask to see his tests, then help him in understanding where he went wrong. If you don't understand the concept, again, ask the teacher to go through the tests with him. Don't get angry when they don't do well, just offer them encouragement, and tell them to re-study the particular area they went wrong in, so that they don't mess up next time.

As for your son being stubborn and unable to follow your instruction, you need to ENFORCE and STAND BY the decisions that you and your husband make. Also, cohesion is essential in ensuring that your boys listen and follow what you tell them, so make sure that both your husband and you are consistent in what you tell them, so that they are not confused by conflicting decisions. You're going to need to have a family meeting, where you and your husband talk to the boys to let them know that there is going to be a change in rules, and that they must listen to what you tell them, or else forfeit various priveliges, such as the right to go out on the weekends etc. Then, begin the new system. If the kids don't listen to what you tell them, then simply be firm, and warn them that if they do not follow your decision, then you will take away their right to watch television for a week (this is just an example of a possible punishment- think of something appropriate to them), and if they persist in not following your rules, or are rude, then IMMEDIATLEY take away the privelage, and inform them that it will not be returned until they improve their attitude. This is will convey the message instantly, that what they are doing is unacceptable, and in future they will avoid defying your rules. Because they are teenage boys and haven't been disciplined in this fashion before, it will take a while before they accept and follow the system, but just be PERSISTENT and eventually, they will learn. When they improve their behaivour, reward them by taking them to a movie or cooking their favorite dish for dinner that night. Make sure that the rewards you give them are not huge things, but convey the fact that you approve of their behaivour. Also do this when your sons do well at school- it makes them feel proud of themselves and want to do well again.

As for the two other twelve year-olds, you need to talk to them separately, and inform them that they need to stop lying, but also reassure them that whatever they need to tell you, you will always love them. Right now, there is a lack of trust between your sons and you, which is why they are resorting to lying- they just are afraid of how you'll react. Everybody lies. It's a natural fact of life that you need to accept, however, if they are lying about really serious things, then you need to talk to them about the problem, and devise an appropriate punishment for every time that you do catch them out lying. Don't get angry over the little things- it'll only serve to stress you out, but when they really behave badly, then be calm, and punish them. It's that simple, but it will take time before they trust you again.

I think the most important thing to do here is to increase the strength of your (and your husband's) relationship with the boys. Their seems to be a lack of affection and communication between you all. So, make sure to integrate more family time into your schedule. Every night, have dinner around the table (without the tv on) and talk about your day. Go to the movies once a month, and see something together. Go bowling, or whatever it is you all enjoy. Also, take time out with each of your boys separatley, and get to know them well- they are all great kids and have individual personalities that require attention and love. Ask them about their lives, and talk about your life (but make sure to listen to them more). Also, really PAY ATTENTION to what they are telling you. Ask them questions and take a genuine interest in their lives. They will love you all the more if you show to them that you care. If you struggle at first to communicate, take your sons out separately to somewhere that they like. For example, if your son likes to go bowling, then take him bowling and just bond- you don't have to have a deep-and-meaningful. Just enjoy his company.

It's going to be difficult to improve the situation, but be patient and realise, that despite all of the problems you have, this is a normal part of growing up. Being a teenager is difficult (as I'm sure you will remember), so you need to give them time to figure themselves out. Be there for them . I hope this helps and sorry it's so long!!! :)

Answer 2

That's all part of being a kid. If you have things that you can remove from their lifestyle that may alter their behaviour then try using them to your advantage. My fiance has a daughter that has a large problem getting out of bed and to school in time in the mornings. What she did was take away her cell phone and disconnect the internet until she was able to attend as scheduled for two weeks. Well their was a bit (ok, a lot) of whining about the lose of these privileges but she stuck to her guns and darn if the kid doesn't get to class on time now. Ha! So if there are any carrots that you can use to try and change this behaviour in your sons try them and see if it makes a difference.

Answer 3

I hope you are ready for this....

The problem is not the kids.... the problem is you. Your parenting skills are lacking. It is the unstated duty of every child to try to get over on mom and dad. Thats a given. It is your responsibility to make sure they don't. They are winning and that's sad. You need to learn some special skills... seek professional guidance from family counselors.... Act now...before it's too late.

Answer 4

good 1 lmao 10/10

Answer 5

I suggest family counseling.

Answer 6

only advice i can give is ,,,,jerry jerry jerry jerry jerry springer.