I REALLY dislike my step daughter......?

Question

I hate to admit it, but I really dislike my step daughter. I DREAD when she visits. I've known her since she was 2, she is 4 now. She use to be so sweet and well behaved. Now she is defiant and rude, and says some pretty hurtful things to me and my husband (her father) She is only with us 2wks every 2-3 months.
I know I'm the adult, and I should just deal, but I'm having problems doing so. My husband and I have a 6 month old daughter together and I'm a stay at home mom. So I'm the one that has to care for the step kid ALL day and night.
I am not mean to this child in any way shape or form. But she goes home and tells her mother that I'm mean. I may SEEM mean, b/c I discipline her. I rank her overall behavior for the day w/a green, yellow, or red card. (good, OK, and bad behavior)
I am at the point where I don't want her coming anymore, and my husband feels likewise.
I know she is just a kid, but as the adult, what can I do?

The color coded behavior cards is what is done at her pre school AND at her mothers house.
This child has NEVER lived with her father. (My husband has NEVER lived w/his ex wife either) She was born while he was serving our country in Iraq. He came home (when kid was 9m old) to find that she moved 11 hrs away, and would not move by his base.

Answer 1

How old is she? Some kids just rebel. She will grow out of it. Until then just tolerate it as much as possible.

Answer 2

First, continue to communicate openly with your husband about this issue. Next to money, family issues are the next leading cause of divorce, you do not want your daughter going through the same experience in a couple of years.

Second, she is a child, you must always remember this. From her perspective you took her daddy and then made a new little girl to replace her. Her angst is understandable, divorce is never easy on a child. As you only see once a quarter, she will most likely never see you as a mother figure, only as competition for her fathers attention, this will probably be true of how she sees your own daughter for a while also.

Third, talk to her mother. How is your relation ship with her? Does she believe that you are doing mean things to her daughter? Does the mother talk bad about you to her daughter, this is often the case.

Fourth, a little girl needs her daddy. If your time with her is simply uncomfortable, you should grin and bear it. Unless your husbands daughter becomes a physical threat to your own daughter you will need to do the adult thing and have patience. Ask the little girl if there is something special she would like to do every day while she visits you, and plan this for the middle of the day. She will most likely be able to behave knowing that right after lunch she gets to buy a piece of candy or some other special event just for her.

Fifth, set up discipline that you and your husband both agree on. Communicate this with the mother so she can remind her daughter how things are different, not worse, at your house. Ask the mother what works for her; spanking, time out, verbal, priveleges, rewards, motivations... Some forms of discipline viewed as accecptable by one person are seen as abusive by another, likewise one form of motivation can be seen as effective by one and spoiling by the other.

Answer 3

4 years old is fairly young but old enough to know good manners,I would mot worry about lists simply tell her that we do not do this in our house and if she continues then she is given a time out to think about it. By time out I mean on a chair facing the wall with no other distractions, for 5 minutes, after you tell her the time is up ask her what she thought about, and if she says she didn't; then give her another 3 minutes with instructions to think as there will be questions, and again ask her, keep this up until she really does think about why she is being punished, it will take a while but it also works, it is not harsh, it lets her know there consequences for her bad behaviour, and there are rules in her daddy's house that must be followed, do not give up on her some day she will thank you, albeit a few years away

Answer 4

She is too young to understand your grading of her behavior and probably resents it. Your husband should have a relationship with his daughter, so try to work out a visiting arrangement that will be more comfortable. For starters, try cutting it back to a weekend per month. Try to focus on the positive when she is with you and praise her when she is well behaved. Involve her in the care of her little stepsister; let her feed the baby at mealtimes and help dress her after a diaper change. The more involved she is, the better she will behave. You might actually learn to enjoy her company!

Answer 5

OMG. You should start by growing up. No wonder this child goes home and tells her mother you are mean. Your dislike shows to her through your attitude. Children can since things just like you can. YOU RANK her BEHAVIOR with a color coded card. Please, she is a 4 year old. Yes, no, stop, thank you, please and I am proud of you should be all you need. You don't want her coming over anymore, well too bad, you knew your hubby had a child before you married him, and this is his child. He will choose his child over you every time, so don't make him choose, because you will loose!! Try not to be so hard on this poor child.

Answer 6

The problem seems to be that you and her mother treat her in different ways. The best thing you can do is to talk to her mother about how she is rasing her girl. I do not meat criticize, but just talk about it and figure things out. Your methods might be quite different from hers without them being any worse. Of course, she might just be spoiling her, but the little girl is not at fault.

So the best thing to do is talk to her mother about how the girl should be raised and treated and try to figure something out. Since you're not her mother and she's spending the most time with her mother you should try to compromise as much as possible. It's not fair for a little girl to recieve such confusing messages from the adults taking care of her.

Answer 7

It is sad that your husband feels this way about his own child. Really the answer lies in the fact that she is trying to get the most attention out of your house that she can while she is there. Children crave attention especially when they are young. Good attention or Bad. You need to bring your husband around to spending more time with his daughter. I would also be concerned for my child if he could so easily dismiss his own child!!!!!

Answer 8

:) dear, thats seriously not a big prob. you just be honest to ureself and treat her the way u might treat ure daughter, dont forget LOVE CAN WIN THIS WORLD. and just imagine, if ure daughter wud become a step daughter of someone else ( i pray this wud never happen to u or to anyone but just incase) how would u like ure daughter to be treated by her step mother? of course, loveingly and caring.. right? so u try to be caring and loving to her. DONT EXPECT anything from her OR from ure husband... but be honest and sincere to ureself and treat her with the right.

and.. .never ever expect anything from anyone. coz where u EXPECT, u get hurt most. :)
God bless u !

Answer 9

If you're both in agreement, then I say go for it. If she's uncontrollable now, imagine what it will be like when she hits her (not so) wonderful teen years. I dont envy you at all.
I guess you can toss in an option that a 3rd party behaviorist give it a go.

Answer 10

talk to here