Is it really even possible?

Question

This girl I know suffers from depression. Don't know why, she is beautiful and fun, smart and charming. We have been dating for a while, but it seems like the more apparent feelings become for each other, the further she tries to distance herself from me and us. I assume something bad happened to her in the past but she won't elaborate. It's like she's got a wall between us (a fairly common way to refer to emotional suppression, I assume). My question is, is it really even possible for her to love someone else if she doesn't really love/accept herself? Also, for anyone with experience in similar situations, it sometimes seems to me like she wants someone to keep pushing at her wall, to try and get past it. Could my instincts be correct? If she wants that, is it an attempt to break it down or maintain the need for it?

Answer 1

You sound like a really good person and I'm sure she appreciates that. Yes, speaking from experience, she does need someone to help break down the wall and she should be thankful you want to. Don't take it personally, she may not realize you feel this way and sadly, she probably has a hard time doing anything different. It is very hard to explain how you feel when you have depression. Even when things are perfect I feel like I always need to be cauticious, like something bad may happen soon. Trust me it's not you and yes, you can love deeply especially when it is someone who understands and is willing to give space. If she needs to be alone, let her and don't take it personally.

Answer 2

Randyken, nobody can "fix" someone else. You have to know and accept that before you can consider any possibility of a relationship with this woman.

First off, you have to understand that depression is not something anyone chooses. You say she is she "is beautiful and fun, smart and charming" as if this means she should be immune from depression. Well, her depression has nothing to do with how she looks or her basic personality. Clinical depression is a result of of a chemical imbalance in the brain, which affects the mood. There are drugs that can help a person to correct the chemical imbalance, but the person has to want to initiate treatment, work with someone who able to treat her (preferably a psychiatrist) by prescribing the medication, and almost certainly a counselor or therapist to work with her on life issues that may be causing problems.

How she responds to you/can she love you while all this is going on is not something anyone can answer. What you need to understand is that while you can be supportive of her while she engages in treatment of her depression, you cannot make her get better. The success or failure of her treatment (or even whether she wants to begin treatment) is not up to you, and there is nothing you can do about that.

Sometimes it seems that when we find a person who has a lot of things going for them, but has some kind of problem, we assume that if we could just get the person fixed so that they don't have the problem, then we'd land in the lap of paradise. Well, it's never a good idea to take on a person as a "home improvement project," or because we perceive that they have potential if we can just make their problems go away, or because we somehow feel warm and fuzzy deep down inside, like a ministering angel, if we swoop down on them and try to save them from their problems.

None of these approaches is valid. That's a really hard thing to accept, but it's also true. It's up to your girlfriend to choose to help herself. If you cannot accept her and love her unconditionally as she is right now, depression and all, then you're better off breaking up with her immediately. Because hiding behind the hope that she'll somehow get better, or making her a project, or casting yourself as savior, is not a way to have a healthy relationship.

Answer 3

My first response would be, run! run as fast as you can, unless you are planning for the long haul. A relationship like this will take a tremendous amount of effort and support and if you are not up for it you will get buried too.

If she is clinically depressed she needs to get help and stay on her meds. This unfortunately is the best case to have in a relationship.

If she has self-esteem issues from past relationships gone bad then she will require constant re-assurance. You can plan on constant fights stemming from, you looking at other women, you don't love her anymore, you used to do that with your ex and why won't you do it with me. The list is endless, but in my experience it never goes away.

Answer 4

Those are really questions to ask a doctor but she probably does want help in breaking down that wall. I do believe she can love someone even if she doesnt love herself. :o)

Answer 5

Speaking from personal experience, she is testing you to see how hard you push to be with her despite how much she seems to back off. You could have a very fulfilling relationship with her, but you will probably have to prove yourself for a while. If you're not into that, then do yourself and her a favor and get out now.

Answer 6

wow...it seems like she has got a real problem. is she clinically depressed, or does she just feel depressed?

also, she may have trouble connecting with other people. sometimes, when you dont like yuorself and you fall in love with someone, you could feel like you dont deserve them, like they are too good for you, so you push them away.

this wall you mention could be one of two things:
1. maybe she wants you to break it down, to show you really care about her. in this case, if you do, she will probably open up to you and make things easier.
2. if she doesnt want you to break down the wall, and you do, she could close up even more, making things harder for you to be with her.

this is a really tough situation. good luck! :]

Answer 7

All I can say is always trust your gut instincts. You take it from here.

Answer 8

Try talking to her, and asking her some honest questions...