how do i ask my 12 yr old daughter if my sister in laws boyfriend did unmentionables to her?

Question

I dont want to make my daughter feel guilty like she did anything wrong - the family is already fighting because of this guy and I dont want my daughter to feel like she will be to blame if she says he did do something to her. The sister in law is already defending the boyfriend even before the mention of anything was made?

Answer 1

I'm so sorry this is happening to your family. I am a rape crisis counselor and I will tell you what I tell my clients.

Take your daughter to a quiet and private place. Try saying something like this:

"I want you to know that no matter what you tell me I will believe you. I love you and I will support you through this. Before I ask you this I want you to know that no one would ever blame you for anything and if you don't want to talk about this now, we can always talk about it when you are ready. I want to know if (name) has ever touched you in an inappropriate way or done anything that makes you uncomfortable."

If she doesn't want to talk about it or if you don't believe her if she tells you it's untrue, don't push the issue. Just tell her that she can tell you as much or as little as she wants and that if she wants to talk to someone else about it (family member, counselor) that you support that.

The best thing you can do for her is not push her and continue to remind her that nothing is her fault and that you will believe anything she tells you. She needs to know that she can trust you with this information. Which may mean letting her decide when/if she tells others.

Even if she doesn't tell you right away, you have opened the door to this conversation. The worst thing any parent can do is ignore the situation.

My thoughts are with you.

Answer 2

Wow like others of said this is a tough one. I wish I had more background why is your family already fighting about this did someone already come forward. If somebody did I would sit down with your daughter and tell her what has happened and said because of this you are no longer going to be around this "man" and w/ your sister in law defending him I would not have your daughter be around her either. In this way your daughter may feel more comfortable in coming forward knowing that you are ready to protect her. (Believe me that is one of the biggest steps you can take). I would then would follow the steps that ellie have told you about. More then anything don't have her be around this man untill everything is cleared up (if he is innocent) and if this means your family disowns you then so be it the safety of your daughter is more important then anything.

Answer 3

She's your daughter ... you should know how to talk to her ... be honest & tell her why you're asking ... let her know you're there for her no matter what ... and all you want is a happy family ... if that takes putting some low life that her auntie loves in jail then so be it ... !

She's 12 not 3 ... she knows what's right & what's wrong ... sit her down one day after school, eat some snacks with her and have an open discussion about anything & everything you want to talk to each other about ... me & my mom use to do that every few months ... that way we both knew what was really going on ... good luck & I hope everything works out for your family ... !

Answer 4

This is a tough one! First, is there something in her behavior that has changed....grades slipping, trouble sleeping, angry outbursts, withdrawal from friends/families/activities? If so, it is often easier to talk about that in a very non-threatening way to segway into asking her if anything is wrong. Remind her that you are on her side, will believe her, and are ready to listen. Be careful not to react to what she says in front of her but just hear her out.

Is there a close friend or other relative that she might have told? Does her school have a counselor? Talk to her about concerns you have about her behavior and what you are worried about to see if she/he perhaps can talk to her. I think I would be very careful not to influence the counselor or make any accusations so what your daughter may or may not tell her is not influenced.

I have two girls, 9 and 10, and I pray they would tell me if anything like that happened! Just remember the most important thing in the world to tell her is that you will believe her and that if anything happened it is NOT her fault!!

Answer 5

Hi Nicole, Wow... I think you and your husband need to sit down and talk with with her parents. Her behavior is horrible and its only going to get worse as she gets older. Yes she is young, but she also knows the difference between right and wrong and bullying her niece, getting drunk, and acting like a maniac is definitely not a right decision. If all fails, you can anonymously call Child Services and report her behavior. Its hard to do but if everything else fails and nobody is taking a step into helping her, that might be your last result. Do you know if she has an talents or hobbies that she likes to do. You could talk to her and possibly get her enrolled in something positive that would ease the tension in the home. In the meantime, keep looking for a place. Check online, in the newspapers, call local realtors. Good Luck...

Answer 6

First evaluate your relationship? Are you the Dad or the Mom? Who do you think your daughter will feel more comfortable talking to...and most important, who can REALLY approach her without her feeling guilty about the situation (if any type of misconduct happened).

The person approaching her will have to, MUST 1) make your daughter feel secure, that whatever happened, she is cared for and loved. 2) make her feel it is and was not her fault 3) will protect her, and make it right for her.

Make sure your daughter in law is not involved at all in these conversations, tries to manipulate or question your daughter, at all cost. You must, have and will protect your daughter, no matter what.

Good Luck! I sincerely hope everything turns ok for you and your daughter.

Answer 7

If she appears to be acting differently, perhaps you can start out in that way. That you notice she seems 'different'.....To hopefully get her to open up without implicating any particular person at first........But rather perhaps an event, an instance, that could possibly tie something together. Make it a total concern for HER.
(which of course it is) In any case, you may have a good time with your daughter, and hopefully learn something pleasant rather than anything not so pleasant.

Answer 8

Sit her down, and ask her if anything happens. Make it clear that you aren't going to blame her for anything. Remind her that you're her mom, and you love her no matter what.

If she can't tell you, have her speak to another adult she trusts - a teacher, a pastor, a school councilor, a therapist, a coach - anybody that you think she'd open up to.

If you really think something bad happened, contact your local Police Department - they have specially trained detectives who know how to talk to kids about sexual abuse, and they will help her (even if it doesn't lead to a case they can prosecute).

Answer 9

You just say that he once touched a little girl in a wrong place and people who do that are likely to do it again. Be sure to mention that these "idiots" also threaten to kill Moms if the child tells but that isn't gonna happen. If you love her, don't worry! Just let her know.....Let her look at your local sex offender registry and see if she recognizes anyone, then explain your concern. She's probably not going to come forth on her own.

Answer 10

I would start by asking the girl if anything has happened to her that she needs to talk about. Do not push her to discuss it, just reassure her that you care about her, that you think she is a good person and that you love her, so that she feels safe talking about it if she feels ready.

If you are fairly sure something happened and you are worried about protecting her, you should take her to talk with a psychologist, a professional experienced with sexual abuse and child traumas, who can help her open up and deal with this, as well as advise you and the rest of the family how to take care of this young one.