Why do they smother me??

Question

My parents are uber strict. I'm almost fourteen, and I'm not allowed in a house with a guy on our own - even though he's my best friend! I have to lie and say other people were there as well to not get in trouble!

Also, I have to be in bed by ten - im in year NINE - I'm not allowed out when it's dark - these days like half four/fiveish. My parents are more like my prison supervisors - I can't remember the last time either said "I love you" to me, or hugged me, or anything. They forget to tell me when they are getting home, they just walk in the door whenever, and they expect me to get perfect grades and always be on my best behaviour. If i ever get an after school detention, I dread to think what the consequences would be.

Please help - how can I cope or change this in any ways????

It's not like they have to worry about transporting me around either - I can bus/cycle home from school coz i live right near... and my school grades are already straight A/A+ with a perfect effort grade too, but they still try and push me further. Nothing is ever positive - it always seems to be like they have no time for me, and everything they say toward me is usually quite negative. In the end I just stay in my room and give up trying..

Answer 1

stop moaning all the time,,get a life

Answer 2

You wanna know something? As a parent myself none of the thing you have stated are out of line. I have 2 kids a boy 16 and a girl 12. We live in Chicago. I know where they are, who they are with and when they will be home. With the world we live in today parents have to be "uber" strict about this. as far as the bedtime you will get no sympathy their either cause my kids are in bed by 9. When your a teenager your body is going thru so many changes if you lack sleep your body will let you know. Then lastly about getting detention, and them telling you when and were they are going to be. Last time I checked they are your parents they have earned the right to come and go. You on the other hand are their child and their responsibility. Also if all of this is bugging you so much pick a time when they have been home for awhile and not running around and talk to them. If you can pour your heart out on here do it to them too. Sometimes parents need reminders. We are only human. Good luck and sorry if you do not like some of what I have told ya!

Answer 3

They are doing what they think they need to, to keep you from getting pregnant and screwing up the rest of your life. You will understand when you have children. Do you realize how many kids get into trouble because they are unsupervised and they're parents don't know what they are doing? You are going to do what you want to do, if it means lying, sneaking out of the house at night or whatever. You are old enough to understand consequences. You will learn from your mistakes. (hopefully) Cut your parents some slack. They just don't want you to end up like all the other kids. When you are young you think you know what is best, when you grow up, you will see the wisdom in what they do. Nothing makes a parent prouder than when their child grows up and does the right things. When you are 14 you make a lot of stupid choices that can effect the rest of your life. But it's only because you don't know any better. They do, they've been there, done that. Oh, and when was the last time you told your parents you loved them? (and didn't want something)

Answer 4

Your parents obviously care about you otherwise they wouldn't even bother setting rules to protect you. You should talk with them LIKE AN ADULT. Tell them that you appreciate their caring but sometimes you feel like they don't trust you (trust is an extremely important part of any relationship and make sure you tell them that) Tell them that high school years fly like nothing and soon you'll be in college on your own. You need to be able to make important healthy decisions for yourself and its better to start now when your parents can help you figure it out (or help you get out of a bad decision, but dont tell them that part of it). Things will get better. The best thing you can do is admit when you are wrong and ask for help. If you feel like you can't ask them for help because they'll blow up at you, then maybe you should tell them that. You also have to remember that they are your parents and not just friends that pay your bills. Its been a long time since they were 14 and things have changed so much since then. If they don't understand what your problem is, don't get frustrated and defensive, explain what life is like for a 14yr old in 2006. Sometimes you may have to be the more mature one. Don't fight battles that you can't win or things that don't really matter to you and try to compromise whenever possible.

Answer 5

Well, they do sound overly strict. Its probably because they love you, but that's not the best way to show it. Especially since they aren't being loving in other ways, to make up for the strictness.

Its normal, however, for most parents to not trust their 14 year old daughter home alone with a guy. They probably trust the guy a lot less than they trust you, so take some comfort in that.

How to change? You either have to win their trust so you get more freedom (that sounds really difficult to do with super-strict people like them--but you can always ask them, 'what do I have to do to earn more freedom?'), or get their attention somehow (some people get in trouble on purpose so their parents can't ignore them anymore, but I don't recommend this--there are other ways, such as telling them to their face 'I can't do my homework until you spend some time with me, I won't be ignored anymore'). Or, you can simply wait 4 years until you're 18, move out, and then they can't do anything. Its a long wait though.

Answer 6

They are worried about you growing up too fast. It comes down to them being afraid to lose you. It's very normal; as children start to grow up, they discover their own identities and parents are threatened by this.

I know the rules they set for you as far as the bedtime or not being alone with guys seem strict, but it is pretty good for 14! When I was that age, many of my friends were allowed to do even less.

You can try to take some steps to demonstrate to them that you are loving, responsible and make good decisions. Help with chores without being asked, do your best in school, and be honest with them in discussing what is going on in your life without them needing to ask. When they come to understand you are a good girl and won't do "bad" things, perhaps they will trust you more.

What's more concerning is the fact that they are not affectionate to you and have such high standards. Perhaps you should sit down and talk to them about this- tell them that you need affection and support to grow and do well, tell them that you understand that they want what's best for you but you would like to have a more emotionally close relationship with them. Ask for a hug and tell them that's important to you. When you guys are emotionally closer and communicate more, you open the door to building more trust with your parents.

Sometimes, though, relationships with parents stay difficult even when you do your best. If you lovingly and honestly reach out to them and they never seem to hear you, just remember- you are a good person and did not do anything wrong. Sometimes parents and children, like any people, just don't see eye to eye. If that's the way it turns out, just keep in mind that you will not be a child living with them forever. Try to keep in mind things you enjoy about your life, your friendships and your individuality, so it makes keeping the peace around the house a little easier when you have your own precious space, time and achievements to feel good about.

Answer 7

It doesn't sound to me like your parents are all that bad. I would just stick it out for a few more years. When you're 18, you can move out and be on your own. After doing that for a year, you'll be able to appreciate what they're trying to do a lot more.

When I was 15, my parents took everything out of my room except for my bed and locked me in until the semester was over. I didn't have good grades (they were middle of the road), so they figured being locked in a room with only my homework would bring my grades up. Your parents sound pretty normal to me.

Answer 8

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but be glad that they care. There are lots of kids who are free to do what they please at all hours of the day, but they are the same kids who will end up with major problems, addictions, and they won't finish school. You'll have PLENTY of time once you're an adult to stay up as late as you want, bring boys over and stay out past dark.

However, I think you could try to talk to them and tell them that you'd be a lot happier about following their rules if you could stay up a half hour later and if you knew what time they were coming home at night. See if that works.

As for them saying they love you, try saying it to them when they leave, get home, see if it catches on.

Good luck!!

Answer 9

Sounds to me like there are two issues here:

Your parents are ignoring you and seem selfish in their communication with you (love, time to leave & come home).

You, on the other hand want independence BEFORE you have enough years under your belt to make good, solid decisions. You've been here on planet earth only a mere 14 yrs. And people don't fully mature until their late 20's - so you are jumping the gun, don't you think?

The reason why parents historically are strick is to PROTECT. Life is far more difficult, dangerous, and unprotected today than when your parents were your age. You have not seen the changes as they have, the degree of the crimes committed against children (and adults), that it's become dangerous for ANY adult to be out after it is dark.

Being deceitful and lying to your parents will only catch up with you and make any penalty to you far more severe when they figure you out. It's best to be truthful, so that when an incident does occurr that you need their TRUST, they will be in your corner [and they won't think "here she is, lying to us again"].

You risk losing credibility with your parents, you are putting your friends in awkward situations by your lying, and you're being selfish (like your parents).

There needs to be a re-opening of communication with ALL of your family members, you need to air out your grievances, and they need to better explain to you WHY they are protecting you.

If possible, put your self in their shoes - pretend you are 40 yrs old, and you have a 15 year old daughter who is doing the same things you are now, and you find out about it. How would you react? Would you decide to not care, and let your daughter do something foolish, self-distructive or dangerous. At 40 yrs old, you will have an incredible amount of life experience to draw on for decision making. At 14, you're barely starting puberty, and you want to have adult responsibilities.

Enjoy being a kid, accept their limitations, then maybe you will on your 25th birthday, look back and be glad that because you minded your folks, you have successfully: finished college, landed a fantastic job, found a wonderful soulmate to marry, and never had to face the decision of "to abort, adopt out, or keep" the child you decided to risk having sex over.

You're old enough to follow what I'm saying to you, so please listen to the wise comments that those who don't know you care enough to be forthright with you. Other people will tell you to do destructive things to yourself because "misery loves company", so don't mind them, just because they answer that you should do what the heck you want to do. They don't know you. They don't love you. Only your parents really REALLY love you and have your best interests in mind.

We're - after all - only strangers.

Answer 10

my parents would never let me stay in the house on my own with a fella either and im nearly 15. how about you stop lying to your parents and respect that they care about you and just bring your friend over when your parents are around. As for going to bed at 10, well that kinda sucks but every house has rules. You shouldn't wait for them to say I love you to you. You say it to them and surprise them, let them know that you're not the stereotypical teenager. Don't worry about changing things, just make the most of what you've got.

Answer 11

My parents used to be strict, although not to the degree that you speak of. I would try an approach like this:

Try writing down the problems that you feel exist. Read them over, and be sure your wording is not attacking. Instead of saying "You always....." or "You never let me....." try saying "I feel as if I don't have the freedom to...." or "I feel old enough and responsible enough to...."

A big one for me, is try to tell them that you feel as though you have to be perfect, or they'll punish you, or you feel you will let them down horribly. Try to tell them about the amount of pressure you're feeling from your perceived expectations, and the anxiety it creates. Also, address the fact that you feel distant, and would like to hear "I love you," and you'd like to be hugged. They might think they're showing that they love you by providing a home, and meals and rules. Let them know that you would also like some more "warm and fuzzies."

Sit down with your parents when you are both CALM. If you need to, ask them when would be a good time to sit down and talk to them. Make sure they understand that it's really important, because it is REALLY important.

Lastly, do your best not to get angry at what they say. Listen to what they say, even if you think they're wrong. Maybe even write it down. Think about what they said for a little bit, and perhaps write a rebuttal. It's important that this discussion not turn into an argument, because that's not what you're looking for. You looking for a discussion. Present your ideas, listen to theirs, and think about it. They'll also, likely, be listening to what you say and think about it later. Even if their first response is "no," they might reconsider and change their minds.