My 2yr old throws fits for everything. what can i do?

Question

She screams when i try to get her to do anything. she even screams at me when i give her what she wants. i'm afraid i'm gonna lose it and hurt her. she won't even let me near my hubby, when i try to hug him she screams mine and squeezes in between us. i'm a stay at home mom, but i am starting to resent her. she's my niece and i have custody of her. i'm tempted sometimes to send her back to my mom, she sent her to me cause she couldn't handle her. now i wish i had said no. i love her but sometimes i can't stand the sight of her. am i a bad parent/guardian? i have 3 other children and none of them were like this. i feel like i'm going nuts and my hubby just says she's just a baby, she's not doing it on purpose. sometimes i wonder though, cause when he gives her what she wants and turns his back she looks at me and gets a " f*** you" grin on her face. i'm afraid we are going to end up splitting up over her, we rarely touch now cause she screams so i just don't get near him.

Answer 1

Ignore her tantrums. She just wants your attention and by giving her that you're letting her win. Walk away and don't say a thing when she starts screaming. Eventually she'll get the idea that "I don't get anything when I throw fits".

Answer 2

Try to ignore the tantrums. I know it's hard but if you acknowledge her when she's having one, it's only showing her that she can "push your buttons". She'll continue to do it as long as she can get the desired reaction from you. It really takes a special person to take on someone elses parental responsibilities (my daughters been doing it for 2 yrs now with her brothers kids, now 4 & 10). When you do feel like you're going to lose it with her try and get yourself into a "time-out",count to ten, twenty even, go to a quiet place where you can calm down. You know you would feel terrible if you did something out of resentment. See if you can get a sitter for even a short time to give you a break from her. Don't let her come between you and your husband. The two of you need to stand together in this. Like I tell my daughter, it's not the kids fault they're screwed up, and if you try to remember she is only 2, and YOU can make a difference in her life. God bless you for what you're doing and good luck!

Answer 3

Any 2 year old is starting to realize that there is a bigger world out there than just their home. It's scary to them. They want to know where the boundaries are in that big scary space and that you will be there to keep them from harm. That's why they test you exactly as this child is doing. She is even more afraid because to her, her mother left her and she doesn't understand why.

Your husband needs to present a united front to the child with you. She needs to be told that her behavior is unacceptable and that she will either spend time alone until she apologizes and then behaves, or she will get a spanking each time. Then the important things is to stick to this each and every time. She will test and push to make sure that you will be there for her, but once she sees that you will be, that you are the adult, she will settle down.

And you are right. 2 year olds are quite capable of manipulation. They have to be because they are incapable of totally expressing abstract thoughts and they lack the size to dominate so they have to manipulate.

Answer 4

Good for you for recognizing you are at your limit and asking for help. There are things you can do that IN TIME will help your situation. Keep in mind that all children are different and will react differently to what I am going to advise you to do. First and foremost, see her pediatricain and get some advice there. She may have something going on physically or mentally that may have her acting this way. Get that cleared up first.
I have a 3 year old who had acted similarly after some traumas occoured. I would imagine this child has had some stuff going on since you the one caring for her and not her own mother. Patience and being calm is key to everything. You must not react to the child's behavior at all. Do not let her see that it upsets you or it will continue. Show her that you are in control. When she gets you hyped up and upset you are giving her the power. She's 2 remember that always. Secondly, reward her for the good behavior... I did stickers. 10 stickers would get a matchbox car. Kids need to see that thier negative behavior gets them nowhere ( or time out ) and positive behavior gets them notice. After time you will see a change. Also, I am an advocate of spanking but not in this situation. Here's why.... this child probably has some issues or confusion about what is going on with her. She can't sit down over coffee and explain it to you so ...... you have to consider that there are things she has and is experiencing that she cannot verbalize so it comes out in her behavior. Talk calmly to her and let her know that you care. If she is throwing tantrums and you cannot deal with it then give her time out in a room by herself where she can vent. when she is calmed down you can soothe her but let her know calmly that her acting up is not acceptable.
Lastly... do not allow the child to part you and your husband. Be the adults. Touch and love all you want... but bring her in your circle too. Be as affectionate to her as you have in you and I know that child will come around. It will take time but you are going to need to show patience. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

That's what we like to call the terrible two's. It's a phase every two year old goes through mine went through the same thing. Sometimes I would just ignore it because he was trying to get attention. They are at an age were they are trying to communicate with you but don't know exactly how to do it. Ask her alot of questions as to why she screams when you get near him, she might be able to say yes to something you ask her. Also put her in time out every time she does it. Trust me kids her age don't like to stay put. Try 3 minutes in time out. Put her in a bedroom and close the door. Just not a room with toys because then it would be fun time. By three minutes she should of gotten over it. If she keeps yelling just repeat. This is when you know she's being bad, bad, bad.

Answer 6

Fist thing is you both need to be on the same page and not let her run your house. I have six kids of my own they are from the ages 12to 24 and I have three that i watch the ages are 3,2and 1 1/2 one is my granddaughter they all three throw fits my children never did. So i know what you mean I had to learn how to handle them differently then i did my own so along with my niece I had to learn how to use time out there is a book called time out you can buy at the book store it helps when you are so frustrated that you want to just smack them silly instead you stick them in a corner for 1 minute for each year of age them after you talk to them. You start first asking them to stop, then you tell them to stop if they don't listen you tell them if you don't stop they will go into time out and if they still don't listen then you swat there but and put them into time out. This is not going to just happen as soon as you say time out it will take a couple of weeks but so long as you keep with it and you husband stands with you on how to do time out then it will help your problem that I'm am sure of. Just remember to show her as much love and understanding as you would with your own blood children and she will come around to understand love.

Answer 7

i know exactly where you're coming from! my 4 year old has been that way since, well, since she was a baby. at a very early age she showed signs of jealous behavior (at 6 months). she would scream when i was affectionate toward my son or my husband. now days she throws severe temper tantrums and they seem to happen most often in public. many times i have imagined just smacking the s**t out of her. time outs don't seem to work because she refuses to stay put and i don't have the patience to keep returning her 50 times! nor do spankings phase her, unless my husband does it. lately i've been talking to her about jesus and taking her to church. i explain that jesus is always watching and i've explained heaven and hell to her. she is very interested in this and it has got her attention. i realize that a 2 year old may not understand as well but it's an idea to keep in mind for when she gets a little older. in the mean time pray for her and with her. you can't go wrong with that.

Answer 8

You’re not a bad parent. You’ve just got an angry 2 years old on your hands and you both need a little guidance. Do you think it is possible that she is picking up on your feelings for her? If so, do your best not to let them show. Why do you think she is so angry? Could it be because she thinks you took her away from her mother or has she had any negative experiences with male and female relationship? If you feel it is, do your best to support her. Is she getting punished for misbehaving (spankings, time outs, loss of love)? If she is getting punished, stop, and start disciplining her. Punishments are a way for you to control her but not help her to learn self control.

It sounds like she is throwing tamper tantrums. Temper tantrums are caused by children who are not getting their needs met. If they are not throwing a tantrum because they are sick, hungry, or tired, they will throw tantrums because they get attention for it, it feels powerful, they are testing limits, or they are simply feeling frustrated.

Don’t stop showing affection to your husband in front of her. She is getting a reaction from you and has learned that she can control your relationship. Avoid punishing or threatening. When she throws a tantrum or starts screaming, do the unexpected. Either walk away from her or move her to a quiet place (her room, the couch) and say “When you are ready to calm down then you can come back.” Say nothing more than that. This is not a time out because you are not setting a time limit (you controlling her). She can return when she is ready to control herself. You may have to return her to the designated spot before she gets the message that you mean business. Remain calm when you do this. Keep it up!

Empathize with her, when she is calm or when you feel it necessary when she is angry. Say things like “I can tell you’re feeling very (mad, hurt, angry, frustrated, left out). What should we do about that?” This will help her to learn words to better express herself.

Use logical or natural consequences whenever possible when you are disciplining her. Taking away a toy or privileges when she misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if she throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some examples of natural and logical consequences. If she spills her milk, give her a towel to wipe it up. If she draws on the wall, she can erase it and her crayons get put away until she is ready to only draw on paper. If she is spitting at people, take her to the toilet and let her know when she is finished she can come out. Let the “punishment” fit the crime.

She probably feels very powerful when she is acting out. Help her to feel powerful in positive ways by saying things like “You did that by yourself! You stacked every block! Look how many colors you used on your picture! You can jump super high!” These phrases are great confidence boosters, great ways to show positive attention, and great ways to help her feel powerful in a positive way.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. Pick you battles! You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Hope this helps! Good luck!

Answer 9

She seems to demand all of your attention and when someone else is close to you because she's insecure. You and your husband needs to sit her down and have a long talk with her. Tell her this is not apporpriate behavior and she will be punished for it. Giving her back to her mom will only confuse her even more. She needs security and stability not more trauma. She needs to know you both love her but not when she's behaving this way. You need to praise her for the good things she does and perhaps when she receives enough praises she'll slowly leave the insecurity behind.

Answer 10

wow, she needs you really bad. :)

ok, first you need to check with a doctor to rule out any medical causes, like mild autism etc.

and she's probably confused and more demanding because she's afraid to lose you, too.

you honestly have to train yourself to ignore the screaming. not even negative attention. you will probably only split up if you get so moody around your husband tat he no longer enjoys being around you. so, work on your internal self and patience, etc. Just hold off on expectations of touching your husband ... although you could stand on one side of a baby gate and hug your husband or whatever, let her watch aand have her fit, but it would be good for her to know who the "big dog" is in your life.

Answer 11

She is perfectly normal the way she is acting out. My daughter does this. Her fears of loosing the person who cares for her could be greater where her mother and grandmother have already passed her down for what ever reasons.
I recommend you take her to play groups.
Find a trusting friend to come around and help with her for periods of time so you can show her you are comming back.
Understand that she is in a stage and will most likely grow out of it.
Offer tons of redirection.
Talk with her doctor for more ideas.