Loosing a beloved one?

Question

My father died of blood cancer and the pain of losing him just tears me apart inside. I can't find a way to deal with the fact that he is gone...vanished out of my life. He meant everything to me but when I saw him suffering I just couldn't handle it, so I tried not to be home much and now I feel ashamed and guilty for not being there for him more during this hard time.
Have you ever lost someone you loved?
How did you deal with that?
What can I do to overcome this unbearable pain?

Please only serious anwers.

Answer 1

My favorite uncle died of throat cancer! Our situation was similar, he lived next door but I strayed away in his final days. I regret it too but I always try and remember him doing the good times and all the funny jokes he told. I search for the positives in his life and think of those times. I also strive to do well for I feel that he's watching me and wants me to do well in life.

Answer 2

My dad suffered to and I was with him til the end... he died at my home... I know you must feel bad but know for sure its hard on someone when they know there time is up and to see there loved ones... When I was with my dad even though he did want me there, he had mixed feeling about me being there because we were continually crying saying goodbye and such... If you couldn't handle being there don't beat yourself up over it. Your dad had all his memories of you and may have felt better in a way not having you there crying and all tore up on him leaving this worl... I hope you understand where I am coming from. I know when my time comes that the hardest part will me trying to say goodbye to my kids and all... without falling apart... If your dad new that you loved him and he passed with the two of you on good terms than, relish your memories and forgive yourself... I don't think his last thoughts were "where the hells my son"... The state of mind a person has at the end of there life is much different than walking out a door... a peace does come to them and believe again when I say forgive yourself and let the pain of your loss run its course... because in time it will get better... though the feeling of the loss will remain.

By the time I was 30yo... I had lost a husband, a child, and both my mom and dad died in my arms. I do know how you feel.
I wish you the best and your ???? hit home with me...

Answer 3

My mom was sick for a long time she had hepatics c. She died two years ago I was 20 and my sister was 14. Hope (my sister) spent a lot of time away from our house while my mom was sick she said she feels guilty for not spending the time she had with my mom. I am a very emotional and intense person so I deal with everything as it comes I am still dealing with it and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my mom or miss her. Time makes things a little easier but there is always a void that won't go away.

Answer 4

I lost my Dad this past April to Pancreatic cancer that was finally diagnosed on April 6th and he passed away suddenly on April 22nd.Although he was diagnosed late, we knew we were losing him 5 months before diagnosis. He called me his "rock" because I was always there for him even before the diagnosis. But I had to tell him that there were a few a times I didn't answer his phone calls before the diagnosis because I was running out of answers. I'm a nurse so he called for my opinion almost every day. Cancer has a face in the late stages and he showed every sign. He kept asking me if it was cancer and I couldn't answer this. I'm the only daughter and the oldest of four siblings. My brothers were a lot like you were. They came around but couldn't stay long. They were uncomfortable with my Dads' tears as he was facing his death. They didn't know what to say to him. But my Dad knew they loved him and he knew it was thier pain and thier love for him that kept them distanced. He knew it hurt them to see him like that. One of my Dads' favorite sayings' was "NO REGRETS" We took that to heart. Please let go of your guilt. Your Dad knew and still knows you loved him. The pain does get better but there will be times when you hit a trigger that comes from no where. I've been doing fairly well. I think about him daily, sometimes with that raw feeling that I had in the beginning but it's getting better. Christmas was our favorite holiday and I find it painful to even hear Christmas music. I look at where I started and I feel like I'm becoming more normal again.It is a slow process. But I promise things do get better and being the only daughter I was a "Daddys' girl". I've gotten to a point to where I think more of the good memories and less about those painful last months. My thoughts are with you.

Answer 5

First off, you have my sympathy. I lost my mom 12 years ago to ovarian cancer, and I felt that way for the first couple of years. I still miss her everyday, that will never go away. I kind of felt the same way, but she needed help a lot, so I tried to be there for her. I was married w/ 2 children when she died. The only way to deal w/ it is a minute at a time at first, then a day at a time, and so on and so forth. I tried throwing myself into work and that did not work for me. It may for you, because I lost my dad last year, and if it wasn't for work(this time) I think I would've lost my mind. If you need to take some time to yourself, do it. Don't feel guilty because you weren't there that much. He knew and understood and loved you very much. You will have different stages of grieving, denial, sorrow,anger, shock, etc, and you won't go through them all in order. Some days you'll be in tears, some you'll be angry. It's a process and it's very personal. There is no one way to get through it, because we're all different. Talking to someone might help, going to the graveyard might. It never worked for me, because I felt they weren't there, it was just their body in that grave. Good luck and God bless. E mail me if you need to talk some more.

Answer 6

I lost both my parents to serious illnesses so I can definitely empathize and sympathize with you.

My mother died of a disease that is very similar to leukemia and she was everything to me also - she was my best friend.

You wrote "now I feel ashamed and guilty for not being there for him more during this hard time."

I understand how you feel, but think of this: It may be that since your father loved you so much, he didn't want you to see him suffer. Also, maybe your father knew that you couldn't handle his suffering, and because your father loved you so much, he didn't want to impose this burden on you. Out of his love for you, your father was content and happy with the time you did spend with him because he knew how hard it was for you to do.

When my father was dying, I apologized to him for not being a good enough daughter. His answer was "all my children were good". You see I also felt guilty, but my father's response was only love, and not wanting me to feel guilty about anything.

I am sure your father felt the same way. He wouldn't want you to feel ashamed and guilty about anything to do with him because he loved you.

As far as overcoming your unbearable pain, well, it's a cliche but true - time heals. Just give yourself time and don't pressure yourself to get over this pain. As time goes on, the pain will lessen naturally.

You may want to see a counselor or talk with friends about your feelings - some people (myself included) feel better when they let out their feelings to an understanding person who won't judge you.

Please don't be so hard on yourself and judge yourself so harshly.

Take care and all the best.

Answer 7

First of all, I'm so sorry about your loss. It's hard. I lost my grandpa. He was very sick and the only thing I could do was cry. And then I tried thinking about the good times we shared, and how someday, I would see him again. I reccomened looking towards God and your church, or finding a church that will help you. Spending time with family helps too. You are all going through the same thing.

Answer 8

I lost my great-grandmother when I was 16...right before my niece was born. That was helpful for me, to transfer my love to someone else. I still cried alot...it took me a couple of years to feel better.

My grandmother died (she took care of me off and on when my parents were too drugged up to care) in 2002. I had a very hard time coping with that one. I had a lot of guilt. We were living on Little Rock AFB at the time...and she was here in Oklahoma. I thought I should have been there but it hurt so much. My husband drove me to Oklahoma that night to be with my family. I cried so hard by myself but having small children that did not understand the concept of death, I did not cry in front of them.

It still hurts - because I miss her. I still have her obit in my kitchen in a drawer.

Please, please don't feel guility. Your dad understood why you couldn't be there. Good dads are like that...good men are like that and it might have made it harder on him to see you suffering emotionally and knowing he couldn't fix it.

He is not completely gone. He is in your thoughts and your heart. The pain may not ever completely go away, but it will get better honey.

Answer 9

You will have to just "let go." Don't think of the guilt that you feel. Keep in mind the good parts of your relationship...remember the little things that made the both of you feel good when your father was with you.

Answer 10

Aww i am so sorry, my heart goes out to you and your family. its ok to feel bad about losing someone you love. everyone goes through this all the time.its impervious and inedible. but time will pass and the pain will ease and you will get over it. and im sure he will be always watching over you and smiling down at you. and its ok to cry its ok i been in this situation beforeeveryone has. and remember this he will be looking down at you and he will be watching over you. and im sure he will be proud of you. and i just dealt with the pain and i moved on with my life and knowing i will be watched over.