Should I forgive a drunken one night stand?

Question

I'll start again.He got drunk with college friends from 6pm onwards.He then offered to walk a girl he thought didn't like him to the train station.She missed her train.Between the two of them they got a hotel room-double/single I didn't ask.Once in the room he said he wanted to just sleep, but she suggested sex.She guided him into her and they had sex "twice but in the same sequence of events" he also remembers going down on her.The next morning he says he felt awful about it.

Roll on 3 weeks. I notice he hasn't been calling as much as usual. We go out for a meal and when I get flirtatious and suggest going home with him, he backs off.

So the present- last friday. He comes over and tells me what happened. I am shaking. Up to this point we have only ever slept with and gone out with only each other.We have been together for nearly 5 years.Basically its total devastation.But VERY oddly I went home with him that night...Now I feel like I'm losing the plot....HELP ME!!!!

He said that he was very drunk and he remembers little. He said he was angry with me at the time also, we had been going through a sort of bad patch (I randomly went back to college against his advice). He said he was so shocked and upset it took him 3 weeks to get the courage to tell me.

Up to this point we have been faithful, this is the first relationship for both of us. I still love him. He says he still loves me and wants to continue the relationship. What should I do?I think I'm losing the plot!!!Help me!!!

To make matters even more complicated I slept with him a few hours after he told me and then spent the rest of the weekend with him- during which he told me he hadn't felt this close to me in ages....

AAArgh!!!

God also we have been together nearly 5 years...

I asked him if he enjoyed it and he said it was exciting.I asked him if he still desired her and he said she wasn't girlfriend material.She didn't have my looks or personality. A few hours after he told me we ended up in a bar. I was i shock, I had a few drinks.He told me he loved me and that I'd never been sexier.

On sunday morning I told him that I couldn't understand what he had done that it sickened and appalled me, but I said I was going to try and forgive him.He didn't seem to be jumping up and down when I told him that though- or maybe he was just worried I don't know.

Also we are both 24 years old.Marriage isn't really part of the plan right now.Before I found out about all this though I though we'd be together for maybe 1 or 2 years more.

Also I'm fairly sure this is the first and only time its happened.

Also I did press him for all the details I have here- I was trying t figure out what the hell went on.I still can't get my head round this.

Answer 1

Once a cheater, always a cheater, he just needed a little bit of booze. You will worry every time he goes out drinking with his buddy's/friends - "will he do it again"? I say its not worth it. How can you trust him again? If you don't have trust, what do you have?

Answer 2

If you've only been with each other he's going to want to test the waters, like you should want to. My first thoughts are that you should dump him. The fact that he shared details with you shows a lack of respect for you. The fact that he thinks he can write it off as a drunken night is, complete crap. All of the details from the night are moot and shouldnt even be discussed.

But if you're going to stay!!!

Make sure he knows what he did is wrong, make sure he knows that he hurt you no matter how drunk he was, this behavior is not acceptable and will forever damage how you think of him when he is out. Not only that it will the be topic of most of your angry conversations for years and years to come.

You know, the more I think of it, dump him... Find someone great, if he knows he can get away with this now, he'll do it again. Dump him, do him and yourself a favor. He's obviously lost respect for you along the way, probably because of his own demons.

1. It will make you feel stronger for being strong and not putting up with a cheater, because that's what he is.

and

2. It will teach him a lesson that cheating is unacceptable behavior, drunk or not. He really needs to learn a lesson and losing you is the best way.

You going home with him is understandable, you still wanted him, but doesnt it eat you up inside knowing he did that? Do you think you will ever forgive him for that and do you think he will stop cheating?

Respect youself, make the right choice to move on now, I know it will hurt... If you've been together for 5 years and you're not married, I dont' see it happening. Find a real man.

Answer 3

So sorry to hear you're going through all this mess. From your posting, I get the impression that you are quite young. Personally, I would not be able to stay with someone after they cheated. He says he was drunk but he wasn't too drunk to remember all the details of the night. First of all, why even think of renting a hotel room with this girl? He put himself in a situation he didn't want to walk away from. I would really think about staying with this guy. Will you be able to forgive and forget? Maybe not. That's why I think you should count your losses and move on. There's plenty of great guys out there that will respect you and honor you. I rather loose 5 years of dating a guy, then get married and find out he cheated (on several occasions) 10 years and a couple of kids down the road. Ultimately, it's your decision to make. I know if it were me, I would have cut the cord immediately! Good luck!

Answer 4

Look this may not be what you want to hear but it's honesty. The old drunk excuse is just a token people use to get out of a bad situation. I mean it wasn't even a kiss, he SLEPT with her. That's just awful hun, I really feel for you. At the end of the day they say the truth comes out when you're drunk, when I have had a lot to drink I don't go round kissing or sleeping with other boys, I usually end up ringing up my boyfriend and telling him how much i love him, that's how i make a fool of myself when i'm drunk!! By telling the truth, not sleeping with someone else! That 'boyfriend' of yours should have been on the phone to you, saying silly drunk things, not going down on another girl!!! I'm sorry to be so hard about it, but thats the truth love, dump his ***!

Answer 5

Wow.. I honestly feel for you right now. That is just not right. You dont do that to someone you've been with for 5 years, regardless of how drunk you are!! If he had respect for you and your feelings then he wouldnt have allowed anything to happen. And about her being the one who suggested sex, yes it may be true, but come on, he's a guy and obviously wanted it to! Personally, I dont think that it is possible for a guy to be forever faithful to their partner. They are going to cheat, no matter what and its up to you now.. you have to decide on what your going to do. You either forgive him, knowing that it could very well happen again, or you leave him. All i can say is, best of luck to you!!

Answer 6

Unfortunately in the presence circumstances I would not forgive him. Whats to stop him the next time. Alcohol is just an excuse to do what you normally wouldn't when you are sober. No you need to show him you are very upset about this and it wont be tolerated, you are to good for this. Unless you show him he cant walk all over you he will continue to do so. He needs to really show you he is remorse full and that he will not let his drinking or sexual escapades get in the way. Good luck.

Answer 7

I would have a hard time beleiving his story, but he was the one who offered to tell . There is realy no telling what happened. However, you need to decide what to do for yourself. Some relationships survive infeidelity and become stronger, and some don't. You should let him know how devestated you feel, and how potentially disasterous this mistep could be for your relationship. In my opinion, he appears to be geniune and honest with you. You should do the same with him, and go from there.

Answer 8

Why on earth do you know the gory details!?! Yuck! Did he offer them up or did you feel like torturing yourself and asked?

The drinking thing is a bad excuse...he cheated, it will be a team effort to move on and forgive him. I would say, the drinking thing should never happen again unless you are with him.

Answer 9

Wait...you want to be with someone who is immature enough to get drunk from 6pm onwards?

This is your standard of a great guy???

Clearly someone that immature is not yet ready for the responsibility of a relationship. That you chose to sleep with him after all he told, thus validating his bad behaviour and saying it's ok, suggests you aren't either.

Leave him now and find someone with more maturity and emotional depth.

Answer 10

Whoaaaa, he's training you! He's got you coming after him and you'll be set up to accept his antics because you're the good one who wants to make it work.

How come he's not on his knees begging forgiveness?

You deserve more. You deserve a man who's ok when you get him, and stays ok through your whole life together. You did more than your part. You gave it 5 years.

Answer 11

What your guy did was wrong, but he did something good by confessing. It also seems like he's trying to do right by you. My take is that he was stupid and careless, but we all do that sometimes. I say it's OK to forgive him this time -- but if getting drunk and cheating becomes a pattern, you should find someone else.