My son has recently started asking for his "real" dad?

Question

I divorced my 4 year old son's father a few years ago and have since re-married to a wonderful man who is the father of our daughter. My husband treats my son as if he was his own and considers him his child. My son calls my husband Dad or Daddy most of the time, but recently he has been saying that he misses his "other dad".

His biological father enlisted in the army last year to "get away" from it all and only sees my son once or twice a year (although he is leaving for Iraq in a few months so he won't even see him that often). He calls occasionally, about once a month or less.

What do you think is causing him to suddenly miss his dad? What should I do about it? His dad is pretty much scum and worthless and takes zero responsibility, and my husband is so good for him, it breaks my heart. How should I handle his questions?

We have custody agreement from the divorce so when he is on leave from the military I can't deny him his visitation...

Answer 1

Two of my daughters have experienced the same situation with their children.

My oldest grandoughter began asking questions about her "real dad" when her younger brother was born. She was four at the time and had never met or talked to her biological father.

My youngest grandaughter began asking questions when she was around five years old. She also had never met or talked to her biological father.

We did some research on this and all the info we found said basically the same thing. It is just the childs attempt to identify with a part of himself that is different from his sibling. It has nothing to do with how much he loves your husband or their relationship. Although your son is young he can understand that he has two "dads". As time passes he will come to understand whe his "real dad" really is.

There is a lot of info available via the internet and your local bookstore. Good luck.

Answer 2

The most common cause would be natural curiosity on your son's part and absent parents do somehow have an appeal to kids...

Am sure your husband is comfortable enough in his relationship with the boy to work through this... and may understand already that he can never replace the biological father as a sort of iconic figure but will fill the void left by what sounds like an irresponsible and careless one... and your husband may also understand that over time, regardless of what small incidents happen, the child will grow up and will make his own judgements and decisions based on real-world happenings and not the dreams of a young child.

Answer 3

I am the mother of 4 daughters, two from my previous marriage and two from my husbands previous marriage. I love them all the same, so I know how you husband feels!

All children become curious about their personal family situations at some point. More children than not come from divorced families. Be honest with him when he asks questions.

It is hard when they ask about their "other parent", but you must resist the urge or temptation to speak negatively about the biological parent to your child. I cannot lie and tell you that it doesn't hurt me, but I have steadfastly remained positive in my conversations with my children about their biological parents. You run a serious risk of becoming the person they resent if you do not stay true to this path.

If you allow your son to visit his real father, and if he truly is a "scumbag", then eventually he will see this for himself. Unfortunately, he will also suffer from the realization as well.

If your ex-husband really wants no responsibility, would he consider allowing your husband to adopt your son? You would still need to answer a lot of questions to your son at some point, but it would possibly reduce the damage that a sporadic relationship with his biological father could cause..

The most important thing is for you and your husband to continue to show the love, attention, and affection for your son. As long as he feels that he always has the unconditional love he has at home, he will realize where he is happy and where he belongs!

Good Luck!

Answer 4

My husband was in the same position as your son when he was about this age. My mother-in-law has told me on occassions that he would get that way as a child. She ended up moving half-way across the country to be closer to her family and make it a little easier on my husband to understand why his real dad wasn't around much.

It's natural for him to want his biological father, because that's who he remembers, even though he was just 4 when you divorced. Children are pretty innocent and don't see people for who they are, he just probably remembers having fun with his real dad a few years ago. Just try to be supportive an explain things to him on his level when he asks. It's tough, but it sounds like you have a great husband and a wonderful step dad for you son. Best of luck!

Answer 5

a child will always want to see the "real dad" but just tell him that his biological father is in the army and is helping others that need his help. I give props to the new dad. It is not a easy thing to be a step parent. I am a step mom and have run into things that hurt me, but I have to understand the kids point of view. He has the right to miss his dad. Even though he may be a piece of crap, he is still part of that guy. never talk down about him in fromt of your child. good luck

Answer 6

How old is your daughter? Major changes in a household affect children strongly. Is your husband spending as much time with him as he was before your daughter was born? If not he needs to set aside special time just for the two of them. Also, does your son realize that your Ex is going to Iraq? Has he been exposed to the news on TV? This can be scaring him into thinking that he will never see his real dad again. Talk to your Ex and explain to him that he needs to spend some more time with him before he leaves.

Answer 7

I think he's just now comprehending the idea that he has two dads. A few months ago he probably wasn't quite able to grasp the concept but now he can which is why he's asking about him lately.

If you don't think his biological father would be a good thing in his life, then leave him out. I don't know the man so I can't really tell you what to do in this situation. If he's scum like you say he is then why involve him in your child's life? Just do what you feel would be better in the long run. God bless.

Answer 8

I think its natural for him to be curious about his "real" father. I wouldn't take it as a sign that he is rejecting your new husband. I would encourage your ex-husband to be consistent in speaking with your son on a regular basis rather than just every now and then. Your son could be having anxiety about not having a set schedule on when he can speak with his father. He may also be having anxiety about his father going to Iraq -- kids understand more than you know!

Has your new husband formally adopted your son? Perhaps that would help reassure your son that your husband is just as much of a real father as is his biological father.

Answer 9

You do not want to be the cause of the lost relationship. The child is getting to the age that he is becoming more intelligent. he will figure it out later in life that he is worthless if he really is. You don't want to make yourself the reason he never sees him. That will only cause him to become more angry at you.

The only thing I can say is not to let him use the sperm donor against the family unit. That can not be allowed to happen or every time she does not get her way she will bring up the "real" dad thing.

Answer 10

never Deny a kid to there real father cause in the end you look the bad person, so instead this is going to be that time that your kid well learn for himself who care and who don't all you can do is be there. personal experience i was the little kid. my mom had to let me see for myself want kind of man was my father.