Have kicked 21 year old daughter out of house now what?

Question

I have a 21 year old adopted daughter. We adopted her at age 10 along with her 9 year old brother. They were in the foster care & were abandoned by birth family. We hoped that our love and compassion would fill the empty hole in her heart. She has been a problem since we got her, in trouble at school, dropped out in 10th grade and arrested twice for underage drinking. We have provided years of counseling and medication for ADHD and borderline Personality disorder. She will not work, sleeps all day goes out with anyone she can meet on myspace, comes home high and drunk and wakes her Dad and I in the middle of night when she knows we have to work during the day. We had given her several warnings in writing that if she continued her behavior we would have to kick her out. We finally did it 2 weeks ago and took her to an extended stay motel, we have paid the bill and brought her food. She still refuses to work or help herself. She will not enter any program. Should we cut her off?

Answer 1

How is putting her up in a motel and buying her food teaching her a lesson? She may be out of the house, but she is still sleeping all day and not working correct? You have to have the strength to love her enough to pull out all financial support of her. If you cut her off she will be forced to take care of herself. However, before she does that she will come pleading to both of you for help and she will probably also try to bully you into helping her. You have to be strong though because she is an adult now and she needs to live an adult life. For her sake and the sake of you and your husband you have to stand firm.

PS. You will not be a horrible parent or person if you make her pay her own way. Do not feel guilty for doing what is right!

Answer 2

OH.. honey I am sure this is so hard for you. I can only imagine what you are feeling. I am sure you both were wonderful parents. You have to be loving to adopt older children that have problems from their previous home life. KUDOS to you for opening your heart and home to these kids. But... now they are yours! So now what? Well, My advice to you is this. I agree that you should have asked her to leave. You have raised her with morals and taught her responsiblity. You have instilled all of this in her. Up untill now, you havent given her a chance to use it. You are enabling her to be the person she is. She doesnt have to work.. because you give her money.. She doesnt have to get a job because you gave her a house and then a room at a motel. She hasnt had to excersise the skills that you have instilled in her. My other question is.. why was her warning given in writing? Communication is lacking there. Comminication is so important at any age with a child, whether it is 2 or 20. She doesnt have any concequences because she knows that you arent going to talk to her about what she is doing wrong. Open up the lines of communication. Tell her.. on such in such a date.. the money is going to stop. You need to find a job. If you cannot afford this motel room, then you can stay with us.. WITH the understanding that there is a curfew of.. 12am NO drugs and NO drinking. AND you must keep a job of 40 hours a week and save your money. IF you decided not to abide by these rules.. then you are out again. (say this barring you are willing to have her move back.) If not, then just give her a time when the money will stop. YOU need to be the parent. YOU are the adult.. and she needs to learn that. Stand up to her! She is controlling you both, and that needs to stop before she cuts herself off from both of you, and that benefits noone. I know you love her and that is why it hurts so much. But you have to take back power. She knows what she is doing is wrong. Help her understand how to fix it. Good Luck... and keep your chin up. You are a great parent. If you ever need to vent.. email me.. [e-mail] Okay?

Answer 3

yes considering you have not just given up on her you guided yher very far. Unfortuanly when you adopt you can never really know all of what they have been though. Sending her someplace else was a good idea but sending her to a hotel and paying for her wasn't not the best idea. Basically she gets her own place away from you two without having to work for it. In fact you are in a way awarding her bad behavior. Cut her off financally, but still be there for her. She can't stay with you unless she shapes up and pays rent, or go to school. But if he needs to talk listen try not to judge, if she needs you to bail her out of jail... leave her @$$ there. Be there for emotional support.. When you raise a child well no matter how far they stray they will always come home. Might take a while took my aunt 14 years. But she did

Answer 4

Of course I don't know the entire situation, but you adopted this child to love / help forever. If she will not openly go into treatment, you can make her...at least for 72 hours...I would not have thrown her out, but I would have cut her off. If she is this old, then yes she should be out on her own, I guess I just don't see why she is acting out the way she does...and can't believe that you thought that by adopting her it would fill the hole in her heart. The hole she has is being rejected by her bio family and that is something she may never get over...she needs more therapy...much more

Answer 5

I myself am a borderline. My best advice is to tell you that the relationships between a borderline and "normal" people are very very rocky. One thing to keep in mind is that your daughter has had a very painful situation that brought this along. The fact that she was in foster care and the type of things that are very likely to happen in there may be one reason. A borderline is very afraid of being alone and abandoned. I say if you cut her off completely then it will be a huge problem for her to handle on her own. My best advice is to see a counselor yourself who specializes in personality disorders to see what is the best option for your daughter based on her activites. This way you are both helping and putting down your foot on the situation. good luck

Answer 6

My family didn't allow that. It becomes more of a house rule. If u aren't paying any rent then u need to follow the rules out of respect. But in my families case my sister was paying rent and wasn't allowed to sleep over a mans house because she knew my dad would kick her out. In fact I was pregnant at 21 and my parents wouldn't let me sleep over my fancies home until I was officially moved in. It can get pretty stupid but in the end for my future family it would be the way I states earlier. If ur not paying rent u got to follow the rules and if u are u need yo be treated like an adult and allowed to do what u want.

Answer 7

WOW, this is a mess for sure. First, I commend you on adopting your daughter and her brother in the first place. So many people want cute little babies and there are so many older children that need love and attention. It sounds like you saw that and decided to help. Great, but unfortunately, it sounds like you have not had much help with parenting your kids (which are now legally yours)

You say that your daughter has had years of counseling and medication for ADHD and borderline Personality disorder? Yes, with those disorders it is not uncommon for her to turn to drugs and alcohol, but it really amazes me that you did not nip the coming in, in the middle of the night, in the bud immediately, the first time. Not with a written warning but a long, drawn out verbal one, followed up by a visit to her counselor. A second one should have earned her a 72 hour session in a treatment center, and how in the world did you let her quit school at the 10th grade? There should have been a rule in place, no school, fine then you must work. That is how it is in my house, and when my two older teenagers realized that working at McD's, is the only job they were gonna get with out an education, they were begging to go back to school. I'm not trying to bad-mouth you, just keep that in mind when the younger one tries to get away with what sis did.

I understand you wanting to give up like you did. Living with a child with her illnesses can be challenging for any parent. But, there ARE support groups that you could have and still can join, so you do not make the same mistakes with your son. I recommend you seek family counseling as well. In the coming months when you cut your daughter off (I see no alternative now), she will return wanting her free ride back, and you will need the strong support of your counselors to continue with the "tough love" approach you are using.

With all children, even the adult ones, consistency is the key to behaviour education and modification. Your counselor will also be able to help you with communication techniques that could help you maintain a communication with her, as well as help you with your son. You do not mention how all this has effected him and frankly I am concerned that you may see him begin to act out to test your love. Remember, that even though they were young when they were abandoned by their birth parents those wounds still will run deep. Abandoning her now is not the answer, helping her through her issues is the answer. I know you love her, you show your concern. When we become parents, it is OUR job, regardless of how we became parents, to provide guidance and support for our children. When you were awarded the adoption of your children you became a parent for life. It is now time to teach your daughter how to become an adult, just like you taught her so many other things. If you are unsure how to do that counseling/support groups can give you much more assistance than any one who answers your question here. I implore you to please seek these out, for your daughter, your son, your entire family.

If you are not sure where to begin, try looking in your local phone directory, for the health department in your area. They can recommend counselors, support groups, and treatment centers, where you live that will assist your family in this time of crisis.

Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 8

Until the age of 18, the youth is the responsibility of the legal guardians. You have tried to offer support and comfort her. If this hasn't sunk in to her mind, Sounds harsh, Cut her off, she is on her own now.
It's not because you didn't try hard enough. It's she wasn't willing to listen. If she is mentally unstable then you need to send her to a dwelling that cares for this type of illness.
Listen, cutting her off sounds bad.. and one day you may get a call. "Ms smith etc your daughter was found dead from a drug over dose etc" Are you willing to handle that kind of call?.. I would hope so. Youth today want to be independent, yet cant even tie their own shoes.

Answer 9

Yes, she is an adult now and she knows right from wrong. She chooses this life and it is an easy life to choose when you are providing to her to do it.

Eventually food will run out and rent will be needed paid. Eventually she will have to eat and have a place to stay. She knows work= money. Time for her to hit bottom before she can raise herself to the top.

Answer 10

Have you ever sat down with her and asked why she's behaving this way? There is a problem there and until someone can get her to talk - you'll never know how to help her.
Cutting her off sounds great but she has deeper problems than that. She needs help and forced to participate in a program until she can learn the skills to be on her own. It could be a long road for her but she'll thank you for it someday.