We just got married. He had been married before and they're wedding was by far better and more exspensive then ours. He didn't want to have another big wedding so we kept it small and intimate. I know all about his previous wedding, seen the pictures and video. He gave his ex diamond braclet, earings and necklace as a gift on the day with flowers delivered to where she was staying. I feel hurt because i didn't even get a card or any of those nice presents. I didnt exspect them, but when his family started asking what i got as a gift to show his love, i had to answer nothing. I got some pretty weird looks, and i was left feeling hurt all day. At his previous wedding he made a lovely speech referring to his lovely wife and how special and beautifull she is,but on our wedding he did not say anything about me or make a toast to me. Is it wrong of me to be upset about it? And how do let my husband now how i feel...should i say i'm upset?
2006-11-29 02:12:09 · 60 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Yes you have the right to feel upset.
Yes you should talk to him, but nicely.
He may have valid reasons for his actions.
Who are these people???? What right have they to judge you?? why do you care?
I aint saying she a gold digger...
The feelings that you have are valid even if you are in the wrong or if you have misinterpreted the situation, you still feel hurt.
If you bury those emotions now, they will come back and get you later. I think you should tell him what happened as objectively as you can and explain that it made you feel hurt. Then you must listen to his response and give him the chance to put it right.
However, this should inform him not to be so stingy and to pay you some attention and give reasurance (dont say that though, wait for his actions).
Perhaps he didnt do the same for your wedding because he didnt want a replay of an event that didnt end happily for him. He may not have wanted to create a similar wedding memory as he would then associate yours with the previous and could feel distressed by this. It would have been very hard for a man to be so creative that he could think of an alternative style of wedding ceremony.
You would have been perfectly happy if those people hadnt told you as you said that you didnt expect all of that rubbish! So its not him who upset you but them. Maybe these people were not malicious, but just lack simple tact and diplomacy.
Men are so bad at discussing things and the big day would be completely the wrong time. Maybe he really wasnt aware of these foot in mouth sufferers.
Some people are very shallow and need a lot of bling to feel loved. If you have a true love relationship, then you have something that can evoke jeaslousy in many people.
Was his ex was a gold digger? and would she have accepted him without being bought off? You are not her, which could be why he has chosen to be with you. Its sounds like the effort put into his last wedding may have been to passify a demanding, volitile person (he might have been afraid of her!)
So she has a load of jewelry from Argos which she has probably pawed off, the card, recycled and the flowers are dead. You have him, which do you prefer?
The money that he didnt spend on tacky bangles can now be used to create happy, true love memories together.
2006-11-29 02:57:59 · answer #1 · answered by yellowhaze 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's understandable that you feel hurt by this and it's hard not to try to match up your day with a wedding he has already had. But you can't keep comparing your marriage to one that has failed, you haven't even got started yet. You need to talk to him about how you feel otherwise it will eat away at you. It may just be that he knows that all the pomp and ceremony didn't make his first marriage work, and so he has realised that it's not the wedding but the marriage that should be the focus. You don't say anything about the way you are together in general, but if he is kind, considerate and fun then you are the lucky one... your wedding day may not have been a magical as you would have liked but you will be the one who has the magical life - remember he is divorced from the other woman! I wish you lots of look, and hopefully he'll take you on an amazing holiday or something to make up for this!!
2006-11-29 02:26:09 · answer #2 · answered by lola 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok so his first marraige did'nt work out but he married you and so he must still have alot of hope that he picked the right girl this time. The fact that the 2 weddings were so different speaks volumes about how he feels about you, he was not caught up in the trivialities of material gifts but instead had a simple day to announce his love for you, you have each other dont worry about diamond necklaces, thats probably one of the things he disliked about his ex. Her materialism may have taken over. I would get rid of or at least put away the video and pictures of his first wedding and replace them with things that are about you 2. He was not so damaged that he never married again, he chose you so you should now concentrate on your lives together, some women concentrate on the small insignificant things when really the most important thing is your relationship and lasting the race together. life is too short to be hung up on presents and fancy stuff, get on with your lives now and forget his past, it's his not yours. Good luck and I hope you 2 have a long and happy life together.
2006-11-29 02:30:16 · answer #3 · answered by . 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Comparing can be a dangerous game...but i do believe in communication. Its important to get things out in the open, because if this has not been discussed you might actually be assuming already why your husband has been the way that he is. Until you speak to him you are not giving him the Chance too explain himself, thus causing yourself more distress. It isn't the case of that wedding being better than this wedding what you need to think about is what have your husband and you got...it must be special because you wouldn't of got married in the first place had it not been. The gift you have to show each other love is eternity together and each other that is far more precious than any necklace or present. I wish you all the best in your marriage...reflect on what you have not what you haven't got
x x
2006-11-29 02:22:34 · answer #4 · answered by Kazaroons 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Huh! Grow the hell up people. Why are you comparing what he did with some other chic with what he did with you? Maybe he didn't have the money to do all that. Or maybe you need to be glad cause even though he did all that he ended up divorced. Leave it alone. In the lifetime you guys gonna have together you gonna get that and more. No gift can fully express what one person feels about another. Can't believe that you are on this level when the man has asked you to marry him and all you can focus on is where are all my lavish gifts. Don't start the marriage of on a selfish note. As far as bringing it up to him I say go for it but I'd say you are better off not being upset about it. Just say you didn't feel he showed you that same level of love and that that hurt your feelings. Not upset you.
2006-11-29 02:27:43 · answer #5 · answered by Wordsmith 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he doens't want to repeat the mistakes from the past. Tell him (and his family) that you have no interest in seeing videos and pictures from marriage #1. He has a new life now. Of course you're upset and it's valid. If you have a close relationship, talk to your husband about it. Don't come off sounding like a whiner.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life comparing yourself to his ex? It may seem unfair, like she got more, but YOU got HIM. Maybe he doesn't want to compare weddings either. How would you feel if your two wedding were identical and one day he said "Hey, why don't you wear that braclet I gave you anymore?". Holy carp, that would tick you off wouldn't it. Would you want to hear the words he spoke about wifey #1 said about you, too? Plus, maybe his ex's family paid for the first wedding and he couldn't afford the same things.
Your memories are your memories. It's not about how much money he spent or what gifts he gave you. Did you have a nice wedding? Where you family and friends there? Those are the things to remember. Everything else is just "stuff".
2006-11-29 02:21:51 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the reasons for your husbands behaviour are quite simple. Since his first marriage went wrong, it would seem he has lost faith in marriage and that the wedding day is not something to be excited about because it all ended in disaster last time. His previous experiences of his marriage going wrong have made him wary. He obviously doesn't see marriage in the same way he did the first time round. I don't think you necessarily have a right to be angry at him for this, although I can see why you would be disappointed and hurt. I think your husband should have doe his best to make your wedding day special for you even if he didn't necessarily feel the same. However, I think what your husband needs . needed that day was reassurance that the same mistakes wouldn't happen again in your marriage. Don't dwell on the past, concentrate on making each other happy and enjoying you future. The wedding was only one day of your lives and you have your whole lives together.
2006-11-29 02:28:08 · answer #7 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd ask you this. WHY did you get married? Why do you even care? It's not about material things it's about love. The fact that you are comparing if I was your husband and found out you felt this way. I'd LEAVE you. You got married. So what if it wasn't as big as it was with his first wife.
What were you doing looking at those videos anyway? Btw, it's traditon for the BRIDE to pay for the wedding. So if you are wondering why it wasn't a huge wedding and you weren't footing the bill... well there ya have it.
What did YOU say at the wedding? What did YOU do to make it special? From the sounds of it nothing but a lot of calculating. Which is petty. If you have these feelings you need to ask yourself why BEFORE you share this with him. And once you know THEN go talk to him. He shouldn't be sorting your feelings out.
2006-11-29 02:22:57 · answer #8 · answered by Cybrocupid 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh sweetie, why are you being so hard on yourself? The man went through a marriage and divorce and in doing that, probably never ever expected to or wanted to fall in love and/or marry again. But he's done that with you. Maybe not as spectacularly, but really is that how you measure his love for you???
How do you know all these things about his previous wedding ceremony anyway? Where you there??? Has he talked in that much detail about it or shown you videos (which I would agree might be a bit insensitive).
Last thing I would recommend, is you rent the DVD or look out for it on TV........a film called "Rebecca" with Lawrence Olivier and Joan Fontaine".
Just like your situation only I'm guessing he didn't murder his first wife!!! No really, watch it....it's all about the second wife's inferiority feelings to the first.
2006-11-29 09:22:33 · answer #9 · answered by nephtine 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why would you want your wedding to be similar to one that didn't work out?
I understand that this is difficult for you, but he wouldn't have married you if he didn't love you - and no amount of diamond bracelets, necklaces or earrings can equal that. Maybe he didn't really want a big expensive wedding the first time round, its just that he was forced into it by his ex.
He probably should've made a toast to you at the wedding, I agree with that. The only thing that is going to stop you from feeling like this is talking to him - tell him that you had a wonderful day but that you were disappointed that he didn't make a toast to his bride. x
2006-11-29 02:50:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋