My boyfriend will not let my son(19) move in with us temporarily, what should I do?

Question

My son was raised by his father from 14 on.He has been living out of the county with a girlfriend & her parents for the last six months.They have kicked him out.He has stayed with one friend & then another. His father will not let him combe back home(he lives in a camper in his parents driveway, anyway)His grandparents will not let him live with them either.My son has anger issues and does not get along with my boyfriend. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we own our own home together.He says, that he would have married me a long time ago, if he wasn't afraid of what I was going to do with my children. I still have one daughter living with me, she is 18.She is a senior in high school. He doesn't approve that my daughter doesn't have a job yet.My son doesn't have a driver's license, a car, a job or a place to sleep at night. I am torn between my son and my boyfriend.He is upset with me right now, because I have let my son put his clothing in our garage. I am sick over this.

Answer 1

if you own the house with your boyfriend its your house too and he cant tell you who you can have in your own house! I would move my child in with me for a while,letting him know its only temporary, I would not let my child be homeless who knows what could happen to him and where he could turn up!!!
Your children should come before your boyfriend! How could you stay with this man if he said he hasn't married you because of your children, then he will never marry you because you will always have your children!

Answer 2

Your boyfriend should be a little more considerate - your son is only 19. I would sit down with him and tell him it is only temporary and your son really needs a place to stay. Tell him you will talk to your son about his anger issues and if any of that comes up, your son will have to leave. If this is the man you love and want, you must compromise somehow. Your son is an adult, but he still needs guidance and help. After (fingers crossed) your boyfriend agrees, you should then sit down with your son and explain that he can stay, but with NO problems. Let him know that he must respect your boyfriend while in the home and if there are any problems he has to leave. Just tell him to speak to your boyfriend, but otherwise try to avoid him since they don't get along. However, there must be some ground rules such as he MUST find a job (or try diligently) on a daily basis - studying for his driver's test, etc. I would suggest that you and your boyfriend discuss a set period that your son must accomplish these things.

Now the other issue, your daughter. I believe if children are in school, they should not be forced to have a job. School is our number 1 priority in our home and I don't believe it should compete with a job. Children are young one time and at that age, they should be enjoying their years of high school and being with friends or extra-curricular activities. He should not be bothered that she doesn't have a job - be glad that she's not an unruly teen.

Answer 3

As another non-custodial mother, you have my total sympathy. I'm going to do a little assuming here. How did you initially lose custody of your son? If you're like some 70% of non-custodial moms, it was because your ex is abusive--if not in a consistently physical way, then in an emotional or financial way. The keyword is control. And it appears that you have stumbled into a second relationship that has control issues written all over it, too. He insists that your one remaining child, still in high school, must have a job? He won't let your homeless son live with you? Do you see the control here, the utter indifference to others and their feelings?

What is more important to you--the wishes of a basically emotionally abusive, control-freak boyfriend or your own child? I know you know the answer. After all the crap you've been through with the ex, this boy is crying out to you (I suspect that the ex's behavior towards him over the years has extracted a lot of damage too--that's reading between the lines). Now that you have the opportunity to heal the bond between you and your son, take it. Before it's too late. Pronto.

You are not married, but you have the complication of a jointly owned house. How easy is this to untangle? Find help from a battered women's shelter or a good lawyer and get this BF screwball out of your life.

Answer 4

You say your son has anger issues: what are they about? How important is your relationship w/your boyfriend...it must be serious since you've been together for 5 yrs. and co-own a home.

Are there any problems on your son's part w/drugs or violence or drinking? There must be reasons why he's not able to live elsewhere. Why doesn't he have a job, car, etc., etc.? Sounds like there's something you aren't telling us here.

My heart aches for you. I have a 21 yr. old son and would feel terrible if he was out on the street w/nowhere to go.

Honestly, does your son need counseling of some kind? Maybe you could talk w/him and suggest that he take steps to begin getting independent and when you see him doing that, you may agree to help him in some way.

Sorry if this isn't very helpful.

Answer 5

First what the hell are you thinking that is your son you gave birth to him there should be no question as to which you should pick..... he is going through a hard time an has no one there for him imagine how he feels... you being a mother means that you help yyour children no matter what and as for you b/f does he honestly love you? Sounds like he is coming up with excuses as to not marry you and using your kids as the scape goat... You daughter is 18 and still in school which is more important her getting a goos education or working coming home doing homeowrk then school and being tired all day? You need to think about alot of things in your life and deside which one is more important your blood or someone you sleep with... he your b/f loved you he would respect that you wanted your son to be there with you so you could help him out because NO mother should turn thier child away due to any age they may be....... and seriously dump the loser if he gets mad over your son's clothes in a garage plzzzz he is a lil baby himself... move on love your family and find a man that will respect and love your children

Answer 6

Do you really wonder who should "win" in this weird "battle" between a man who hasn't bothered to marry you yet and your children that *you* gave birth to?

I hope no one really wonders why your son has anger management issues. I wonder if anyone has ever really been there for him.

I'd tell the b/f that you were going to make a deal with your son. If he registered for and made faithful attendance to an anger management course, he was going to be allowed to move in. He was also to begin looking for a job and you expect him to have one within a month. If your *boyfriend* doesn't like it, then he can move out.

Your son may have issues, but he is and always *will be* your son. He should also know that the moment his anger gets out of control he'll be asked to leave. But your *boyfriend* trying to tell you whether your children can stay with your or not says a lot about what an idiot your *boyfriend* is. Your children are an *excuse* for him to not marry you.

Answer 7

I think that your son needs to get some help, and that your boyfriend needs to grow up. That is your flesh and blood. Your boyfriend can leave you at any given time but your son is a part of you forever. He is going through a hard time and he needs your help more than ever now if you ever want him to get back on his feet. If you choose not to help him than it might get worse. My mother kicked me out when I was fifteen because her boyfriend didn't like me. I hate my mother and have not talked to her since. You do not want to lose your son. And as for your daughter not having a job, yea she should but she is a senior in high school. Why waste her last year of high school working when she is going to be doing just that for the rest of her life? Education is more important and I say if shes doing good in school dont push the job and chance her grades dropping. Does your boyfriend have kids of his own? He should let you be the parent of your children. He can have opinions but no wonder why him and your son dont get along. If you try and let him step in and complain, control, and win in every situation then your son is going to get more aggressive with him. You need to do what is best for you but im telling you. Dont pick your boyfriend over your son, people will not like who you are for the rest of your life. Goood Luck

Answer 8

I'm sorry, but I think your sons welfare and well being should come before your boyfriend. If your son has anger issues....get him some help. There are places like the United Way that have counseling services where you only pay according to what you can afford. Your boyfriend knew you had children when you got together..he shouldn't ask you to choose between him and your kids...that's selfish and mean. I understand his concern over your son, but as I said get him some help and then things may get better between all of you. Family counseling isn't a bad idea either.

Answer 9

As a Mother I am here to tell you, do not put your boyfriend over your children. Now as for your children; if you know your son has issues get him counseling, guide him. Maybe his issues are from having to live in a trailor in his grandparents driveway. You pushing him aside for the boyfriend. Guide him do not toss in the towel. Get him counseling and for Goodness sake get him off the street and having to find a friend here and there where he can lay his head. For your daughter of 18. There is nothing wrong Mom with her going to school and having a part time job. What happened to teaching them a little responsibility. Do not get so caught up in your life that you stop using parenting skills. As for the boyfriend. How immature is he? How can he expect you to kick your child to the curb? I do agree with him that she can have a part time job. As a mother of 3 and step mother of 2 grandmother of 3 I would never put any man over any one of them. As well I would not be with a man that was not compassionate. Your son has issues I agree but ask yourself why

Answer 10

Wow, what a tough one. I am a firm beliver in TOUGH LOVE but, you dont want him to be unsafe. It sounds like him living with his father from 14 on was a very very bad idea. Why didnt you have him. He is just following in his fathers foot steps. He lives in a camper in his parents driveway! SAD!
I think your boyfriend should consider the fact that at the end of the day you are his mother and if no one is going to help him for what ever reason you have a moral and maternal responsibility to be there for him. No one in this whole world should stand in the way of a mother and a child. He needs you. You need to get him help and get him back on his feet and once that happens then get him out. You bought the home together right! It isnt just his decision. As for your daughter, I think she should have a job. Part-time at least! It isnt fair of your boyfriend to be so unsupportive of your family situation.

Answer 11

Your son is 19 years old and in need of a major reality check!!! Allowing him to move in with you probably isn't the best thing - for him. Instead, you need to encourage him to get a job!! He needs to learn what life is all about! There are programs that can assist him with an education, housing and employment. Enabling him to do nothing is NOT the answer.

This isn't about chosing your boyfriend over your son. It would be different if your son was a minor, but he isn't. The best thing you can do for him right now is to assist him in finding help for himself. Encouragement and support can both be given without him moving into your home and disrupting your life.

It seems to me that this boy has a long history of anger issues! I question what kind of upbringing he had? It is too late for you to try and go back and fix what is broken. You don't get a second chance, once they are grown.

I suggest you use the time that you have left with your daughter and teach her some life skills. Start by making her get a job!!