About 8 weeks ago my wife and I had our third child. The first two are currently 4 1/2 and 20 months. The problem is that I don't feel as attached to my newborn as I do the other two children. With my first two children I was smitten from day 1 and would do anything to help with them or take care of them. With this new baby I don't feel the same way and often find myself blaming him for problems in our life. I didn't really want a third child, but we have him now so there isn't much I can do about that. How can I go about changing my feelings for him?
2006-11-29 01:13:29 · 11 answers · asked by monopoly23 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
If your feelings continue as they are you should consider consulting a professional counselor or clergyman. To be honest, I think to some degree it is normal to feel that way. The novelty of a newborn has worn off and you know what to expect. It's somewhat of a case of "been there, done that". Let me assure you, if all is well with you, in due time you will come to love this son as much if not more. Each child is different and now that mine are grown, I appreciate the differences in each one. The "baby" which was unplanned, although not unwanted, didn't receive as much attention as the others I feel because I was too exhausted by the time he came around. As he grew older I did feel guilty as if I didn't give him his fair share of attention. Of course he seems tohave not suffered for it, as he is often referred to as the baby and I do baby him terribly now and have done so just after he left the toddling years. Of course this is from a female's point of view.
2006-11-29 01:19:30 · answer #1 · answered by Catie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, don't feel bad, you're human and you're probably just frustrated/depressed because you didn't want a third child and that's understandable.
But you also sound like a good person (or you wouldn't be worried) so you probably realise it wasn't his fault that he was born. He isn't to blame for your problems the same way that you're not to blame because your parents decided to give birth to you.
So take some time to reflect on this and to cool off, maybe it'll take some time. Try to spend some time alone meditating.
Maybe it is your wife you are frustrated with (i'm going out on a limb here but maybe she pushed you to have another child) Just try to keep in mind that it's not the child's fault.
And yet maybe your wife is a great person and she just really wanted another child. Whatever you decide to do about your relationship, don't let the frustration take over you. If meditating doesn't do it maybe some counselling would be great, at least to have someone walk through this with you and help you get to the bottom of what's bothering you.
Good luck :)
2006-11-29 09:27:57 · answer #2 · answered by Olga 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wish we would see more concerned fathers like you voicing their worries. I am glad you realize that you are lacking that bond, but maybe you're depressed. Believe it not, men can get depressed around childbirth also. Perhaps you can seek professional help if you know that this isn't your usual manner. You didn't mention whether your other two children are girls or boys. If this is your first boy then maybe memories from your childhood are flooding in and blocking that bond.
As far as not 'wanting' another child, well, this happens, and as a parent you must come to terms with that. This little boy is special and needing your love so much right now, please don't waste this wonderful time in a fog of doubt and depression. Get help now so you can enjoy your newborn. You'll will be so grateful later that you did. I can tell you have the intentions to bond with your son, you just need the tools. God bless you and your family.
2006-11-29 09:18:20 · answer #3 · answered by Lisa M 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh my gosh, this sounds so much like my family!
We had an accidental 3rd child and my husband, in particular ,had a really hard time bonding with her.
We know why you are having this difficulty, the baby was unplanned and you are feeling the strain of having yet another child to provide for and care for. children are difficult, so this is understandable and nothing to be ashamed of. Just feeling this way is not bad. But you will need to go out of your way so that your child does not realize this.
Think of the child and how innocent and needy he is. Deep down in your heart you do love him. You just need to spend some time holding him. You might not feel it, but you will come around. I know. My husband did, and for a while I really felt he hated our daughter. You might not feel particularly attached now, but as your son grows, he may surprise you. The more you spend time with him, the more he will grow on you.
You can't change your feelings, but you can always control your actions and words. The feelings should come in time.
2006-11-29 10:24:29 · answer #4 · answered by kristin c 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I went through this with my son. When I had my daughter I was ready for her I was wanting a baby. I felt the bond from the day I found out I was pregnant with her.
With my son I was not wanting another child yet. My DD had just turned a year old and that was just too soon for me. I felt terriable. I didn't want this baby.(I feel awful saying this because it is not his fault) Anyway through my whole pregnancy I didn't want him and even a couple of months after I had him the feelings didn't change.
Well now he is 5 months old and I could not imagine him not being here. He is the sweetest little boy ever, always smiling and wanting to "talk".
It is normal to feel this way just give it some more time. Once that sweet little baby looks up at you and smiles and starts to babble I think it will melt your heart. It is hard to resest a baby especially once they start interacting with you more.
Try sharing your feelings with someone you can trust.
2006-11-29 09:32:49 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should accept that you feel that way and don't put any more pressure on yourself to feel differently. Go through all the motions with him as you did with the first two. Do what you can to give your wife a break and help with the other two kids while she cares for the youngest. In time your feelings will probably change, but don't put pressure on yourself to do that quickly or to force yourself. Just relax about it and carry on. I have known many people who had that reaction to one child, only to find in a year or two or five that they love this child just as much as any of them. As others said above, it is most likely a result of severe fatigue.
2006-11-29 09:22:35 · answer #6 · answered by braennvin2 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should go talk to someone professional about this becasue that innocent bundle of joy is just that INNOCENT. Have you talked to your wife about your feelings? You just need an outlet because three kids is very hard. Good Luck and I hope things get better soon.
2006-11-29 09:36:38 · answer #7 · answered by mommy of two 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are tired and worn out.. three kids and all young each demanding your attention this is all normal, but you should still see a doc sounds like a little post-pardom depression... an easy fix that in a few days after treatment will make you feel better than ever and closer to all of your children
2006-11-29 09:19:29 · answer #8 · answered by kat 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It will grow. Just like woman, men can have problems bonding with their babies. Just give it time and spend time with your lovely new arrival. Don't put pressure on yourself and just take your time.
2006-11-29 09:19:13 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Baby sit with him alone for a day.
2006-11-29 09:17:11 · answer #10 · answered by nancymomkids 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋