Should I forgive a drunken one night stand?

Question

I have been going out with my man for nearly 5 years and he recently told me that he cheated on me. He said that he was very drunk and he remembers little. He said he was angry with me at the time also. He said he was so shocked and upset it took him 3 weeks to get the courage to tell me.Up to this point we have been faithful, this is the first relationship for both of us. I still love him. He says he still loves me and wants to continue the relationship. What should I do?I think I'm losing the plot!!!Help me!!!

Hi thanks for all your answers.Ok to add a few more details- I'll start again.He got drunk with college friends from 6pm onwards.He then offered to walk a girl he thought didn't like him to the train station.She missed her train.Between the two of them they got a hotel room-double/single I didn't ask.Once in the room he said he wanted to just sleep, but she suggested sex.She guided him into her and they had sex "twice but in the same sequence of events" he also remembers going down on her.The next morning he says he felt awful about it.

Roll on 3 weeks. I notice he hasn't been calling as much as usual. We go out for a meal and when I get flirtatious and suggest going home with him, he backs off.

So the present- last friday. He comes over and tells me what happened. I am shaking. Up to this point we have only ever slept with gone out with only each other.Basically its total devastation.But VERY oddly I went home with him that night.

Any further advice???HELP ME!!!!

Answer 1

Sweetheart - if he was absolutely hammered and said he had no recollection of doing anything then he must've been unconcious. From my experience when I guy is absolutely blotto then they are usually incapable of having sex at all! (if you know what I mean).

Yes, he may have been drunk, and yes, he may have regretted it but for him to say that he was so drunk that he didn't remember a thing.....don't believe it.

Plus this whole thing about being angry with you - absolutely no excuse. I get angry with my boyfriend sometimes but I don't go out and shag the nearest bloke to me.

The reason why he's taken 3 weeks to tell you was probably because he was deeply ashamed, and probably scared that you'd tell him to pack his bags and leave. That fact that you guys have been together for 5 years makes things even more difficult to try and deal with so no wonder you think you're losing the plot! If this was a relationship that you'd been in for a year or less then I would advise you to dump the loser and move on with your life. But the fact that you guys have been together for 5 years - that says a lot. Plus, people do tend to think that if they can get away with something they ususally try to, so i applaud for your boyf for having the guts to tell you.

You need to seriously think about whether you'll be able to forgive him for this. People can think they can forgive a partner for cheating etc but what usually happens is that they don't. Every time you guys have an argument, the fact that he cheated on you may rear its ugly head. Everytime he goes out with the boys, will you really be able to trust him? Everytime he looks at another girl, how will you feel?

What do you want from the future? Can you see this guy being the guy you settle down with? If you can, then you need to learn to be strong, forgive him and forget (in the best way you can) about this horrid little incident.

If I were you, I would sit down and talk to your fella and tell him exactly how this has made you feel. If you feel that you're strong enough to forgive him, and he promises never to do anything nearly resembling this again, then go for it and I really wish you both the best for the future. If you feel that you would find it impossible to forgive, then tell him that you feel absolutely so betrayed that you cannot see a way in your heart to forgive him, and that you must move on. It will hurt, but ultimately you'll be fine in the long run.

Remember that time is a great healer, whatever you decide to do.

Good luck chica! xx

Answer 2

This is a really difficult one. I know there are going to be so many people that just say to you that you should dump him. When in reality if you are madly in love with someone its never that easy. I was in a relationship like this a while back, where my sister actually caught my boyfriend of 4 years with another girl. I chose to forgive and forget. Dont get me wrong, it was so difficult, but at the time I felt it was the right thing to do. You have to have a hard think and decide if this is something you can live with, especially when its time for you two to be intimate - is his infidelity going to weigh on your mind. If you feel that the relationship is worth saving and working on, and he is trully sorry and it wont happen again then stick with it. If you know deep down he is making excuses and you dont trust him then theres no point. My relationship ended, and I later found out his 'drunken' night was actually happening every weekend. You need to be able to trust your man - without trust there is no relationship. Do what you feel in your heart, good luck x

Answer 3

Hmmm so drunk he can't remember much, but not so drunk that he couldnt perform eh?

Whether you continue or not depends on you and how you now feel. It can be a devastating blow to get over.

It seems unfair that because he was angry with you at the time he just went off and was unfaithful instead of coming to you and trying to sort out the issue that made him angry.

If you forgive him, make sure he realises that this is the ONLY time you will do so. And if he does it again then you HAVE to leave him or he will just do it again and again and again. Other women will bear me out with this.

Answer 4

Thats a really tricky one, I really feel for you. I think asking for advice on here is useful, but you must do what feels right fo you. From personal experience, it is easy to make a stupid mistake especiall when drunk, although its not an excuse.. Guys often to foolish things like that, it may be that he was unsure about his future with you. By making a huge mistake like this, and facing the possibility of loosing you, it may make him see what he really has with you. On the other side of the coin, if you don't feel you'll ever be able to trust him again, will you ever really have the relationship again?

The same thing happened to me once, but I am a believer is 2nd chances. He was so truely sorry and upset about what he had done to me and our relationship, that once we had gotten through it, it made us stronger and closer than ever, and he never did it again. (We're not together any more, but for a totally different thing).

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Answer 5

so he's saying he was angry with you at the time? so basically everytime you pair have a row, he's going to sleep with someone else!!!!!

Yes course he will say he wants to continue the relationship with you, because he knows he won't find many women out there that will stand for it! Its your choice hunny and iam not going to say your stupid for forgiving and forgetting, but do remember, once you've forgave him, he will know he can get away with it! and there is a slight possibility he will do it again! If a man has it in him to cheat, then HE will. Regardless of wether he is drunk or not. Its obvious you love him, but does he love you enough , for you to go through this hurt and forgive him? when theres a possibility he could do it again!

take care xxx

Answer 6

I think the answerers are being a bit unforgiving...
It depends how strong your relationship is,and how much you both want to stay together. He may well love you madly but still be capable of having a drunken fling - most men are like that and its best not to deny it. And lets not pretend women don't do the same... Lets face it - at least he told you! The best course of action is openness. Tell him your rules - no lies, for example. Then dump him if he screws up again.

Answer 7

Yeah you should forgive him even though it's pretty hard to. But you should be worried because if every time he's angry with you, he gets drunk and cheats on you. It's all about trust and it's really something that he admitted to it. It really is your call. You could give it another shot. But you really should find a way to resolve things when either or both of you's angry cuz it will really help a lot.

Answer 8

How much do you love him?
Does he have the tendency to cheat again?
If you do forgive him, can you really forget about the incident?

These are just some of the questions you should ask yourself before you make that decision. Personally, I think cheating is definitely a dealbreaker. But it really depends on how much you're willing to swallow your pride. You've also got to make sure that he really loves you and really sorry for what he's done.

But if you're eternally gonna be haunted by that incident and it's just gonna make your relationship shaky, I say get out ASAP!

However, if you really believe that you still can work it out, then you know what to do!

Answer 9

What a tough one!

In one respect I would find a one night stand easier to forgive than a full blown affair but on the other does he value the act of sex so little he is willing to do it wih anyone behind ur back?

You also need to figure why he told you, he had got away with it so why come clean? Is it becuase there is a chance you might find out at a later date? Or is he trying to get you to finish with him?

You also need to make sure he ha safe sex - your at risk if he picked up anything nasty!

The fact he was angry with you when he done it suggests he might do it again. Or at least you will feel the threat hanging over you. P!ss him of and he might cheat on me again!

I would have it out with him, big long heart to heart and find out why he done it and make sure you are 100% sure he hasn't done it before and won't do it again.

Answer 10

If this is the first time he cheated, and he told you about it (you didn't have to ask or accuse him), give him another chance. It would be stupid to lose a good thing over one little mistake. However, he should cut back on his drinking if he is getting that drunk that he barely remembers it happen, hell he could have just passed out before the act occurred.