My daughter is very shy. How can I help her overcome this?

Question

My 7 year old daughter is very shy. She has always had difficulty making new friends, and sometimes gets picked on by others.

She goes to classes in ballet, modern and jazz, and she has just got into the competition team. She loves dancing, but is the youngest in the classes, as she is a few grades ahead of where she should be at her age. She loves the dancing, but finds it hard because no one talks to her. Everyone else is older, and knows each other, but she doesn't know anyone there. The fact that she is shy is also really holding her back. She just gets ignored.

I know what it is like to be shy, as I was just the same at school. I know how shyness affected me, and I wish I could go back and do it again with confidence this time. Shyness can be really crippling, and I can see it happening to my daughter. She is a sweet natured, loving girl who never has a bad word to say about anyone. She's pretty, smart and talented. Can anyone suggest anything?

Answer 1

Whatever you do, don't "label" her as "shy." If she gets messages that she is shy, it will put her in a "box" that will be hard to climb out of. I feel it is not something that will change if she is an extremely shy child. It is part of her temperament. A child's temperament usually does not change. A shy child will most likely be a shy adult.


I was a shy child and I am a shy (slow to warm up) adult. My husband was an outgoing child and is an outgoing adult. It does not mean your daughter will always be shy, it depends on how shy she is. Some characteristics, such as shyness, are stable over the long term only in children at the extremes-those who are very inhibited to begin with (sorry I was a psych major).

You say she is a few grades ahead. Is this just in dance or in school as well? If it is in school, my thoughts are that because she is the youngest her temperament will remain the same. She may be seen as the “baby” and as long as she is the youngest she will remain the “baby.” Have you considered switching schools or putting her in the grade with those her age? School success has nothing to do with what children know academically, it has everything to do with their social and emotional readiness. I would seriously consider putting her in a class with those her age (even in dance) if you want her to help build her confidence. You can switch schools now and change back next year.

I suggest you arrange some play dates with her peers. If she has experience one on one and with small groups at home, she should feel more confident joining in with them at school and dance. She may start to feel a bond with these children and it will be easier for her.

To help build confidence, stop saying "Good job!" Saying "good job" is an extrinsic motivator. If you are a parent who says "good job," your daughter will only care what others think about them instead of caring what she thinks about herself. Instead, say things like "You did that by yourself! You can run super fast! Look how high you can climb! You worked on that for a long time! You used so many colors on you picture!" These phrases are GREAT confidence builders! I do this as a teacher, and I see amazing results in my students when it comes to building self-confidence!

Offering choices also helps boost self-confidence. "Should we have chicken or pasta for dinner? Should we walk or ride bikes to the park? Do you want to wear the green shirt or the blue one?" Children who are offered choices feel very powerful.

Have her help with "adult type" activities. She can help you with dinner, making snacks, cleanup, or shopping for groceries. She’ll love it!

By using these techniques, she should start to come out of her shell. Hope this helps!

Answer 2

The is nothing wrong with being shy. In fact, many of the most charming people I know are shy. It's alot better than being arrogant. But I think what you are talking about is a lack of confidence. A person can be shy and confident at the same time, which can be a very desirable combination.
Why is your daughter in classes where everyone is older? This can be very intimidating to a child. Sort of like if every social situation you were in and every one else was obviously smarter. She needs to be in social situations with her 'peers', those on her own emotional level. I understand by having her in accelerated and advanced classes you think your are doing the best for her, but those kind of achievements are not always what she needs. I'm not saying to take her out of her advanced classes, just maybe replace and couple with kids her own age and emotional levels. Even children with extreme high IQs fare better in life when their parents are careful to let them be children for as long as they can.
Good luck with your little angel. Remember her childhood is but a fleeting moment in time and when it's gone, IT's Gone Forever.

Answer 3

I know exactly what you are going through cause I was a very shy kid and still am even after getting married and having two kids, I got better in time but still I feel that being so shy bothers me a lot.
That is why since my daughter was 5 years old I started encouraging her to do things on her own, I used to make her call the waiters to ask what she wanted, or I used to drop her at McDonald's to get her own burger and pay for it while I watch from far away, slowly she learned to enjoy these things and got used to dealing with older people, try to encourage your daughter to talk to strangers, to learn how to introduce herself without you interfering, let her do the talking.
Invite kids to your home , one at a time, let her get used to having other kids with her.
I'm sure she will do just great, as long as you follow up with her at this age, just don't leave it till later it will be a part of her.
Good luck

Answer 4

If your daughter is too shy to visit with relatives and say hello, how are you. I would think that she may not be too interested in becoming focused on while playing in a sport. If she can not make friendships with another child something is missing or she thinks something is missing. I do not know how to solve this but I do find the topic interesting because my son who is approaching his late 30s Is the same way. When he joined the military We saw a sudden change. He seemed more confident and involved. He spoke louder. We were really pleased that he was overcoming this fear of being noticed. Eventually after his services came to an end he became introverted again. He is now married and happy but he did seek out a lovely woman that is nearly equal in shyness. I am glad the both have someone to lean on.When our son was quite young he took an interest in music. He could play piano really well for a small kid just over 5 years of age. There were competitions that he was invvolved in. He went to many different towns to preform in front of large audiences. He won awards and trophys for his great abilitys. Now I look back and wonder was he going on stage because we expected him to. He never expressed how he felt about preforming. Later he grew away from this interest and had dreams of becomming a rock and roller. So he had all of the instruments and sound system to play but he never got the guys togeather to learn how to rock togeather. When he would play as song for us as a young teenager on his gutar we listened but we always complained that he never had the volume up so we always had to strain to here. Maybe he was pushed to far at too young of an age. I wish I knew. Best of luck to your daughter.

Answer 5

First of all, make sure your child doesn't ever hear you saying that she's shy. You are putting a label on her saying that she's shy. She probably doesn't feel comfortable being with older kids. Does she has friends of her own age? How does she interacts with you and your family? Is she quite? Have you ever asked yourself if she really enjoy her dance classes, etc. She maybe just want to do things like any other kids of her age, like playing with barbies, toys etc. Try to think about her, not only about how proud you are. Maybe she gets pick at school because they think they can't compete with her, she's pretty, talent and a great kid. Kids are kids and at her age, they just want to be kids. I'm no saying that dancing, music is bad, what I'm saying is that maybe is no what she really wants. Good Luck!

Answer 6

Well, let her speak for herself, ask her how her day was, and she will tell you and you need to get excited over it. I would go to her dance class, and applaud for her, you need to give her confidence. Show her mom is fun, like try doing ballet or dance with her, and it'll show her that you trying makes her want to try hard. Try having conversations at home with her to help, like indepth convo's. Take her to a big kids park, like I have kid's cove here in Virginia Beach. When I was little I loved to go there and I made a bunch of friends. Show her it's okay to make a goof ball of herself at sometimes, it shows that she has a sense of humor, she is being shown by you and her father that being grown up is the way to handle things. Tell her to be a kid and have fun.

Answer 7

My daughter's just like that, too. It pains me to see how other kids in her class tend to boss over her. I teach my daughter not to tolerate her classmates' behaviour towards her, like whenever they get her pencil or other things. I cannot ask her classmates to be nice to her because they're children themselves. Best I can do is to show her how much I love her, I always assure her that she's beautiful and very good in things she does.
I asked my daughter's teacher what I can do more to boost her self confidence. You've already done what she advised me - to enroll her in classes and expose her to different activities and groups of people. I think as parents, we can only do so much. It's really up to our children to grow on their own. You grew up okay. It's just your daughter's turn.
I'm pretty sure our children will grow` up fine, as long as we are there to support them.

Answer 8

Maybe you should ask some of her mates from dancing to talk to her... you know, if she can't make friends of her own, you can do it for her... let her mates understand that your daughter is a shy girl and really need friends...

Answer 9

I have that problem to, maybe she is afarid to be herself. I sure was, I was trying to be the cool one but I realized you cant be cool with everyone. As for dance class maybe you should try and find a dance she likes and the 'older' kids liek too and have htem do it together or talk about it so they get to know each other.

Answer 10

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