Coping with grief?

Question

Hi there

My nana died yesterday and I was devastated. I heard the news from my mam while I was at work and broke down and had to go home, but all I did was think about it and my thoughts just went round in circles and I felt sick and guilty, so I decided that it probably wasn't a good idea and came into work. I'm not crying anymore, just kind of numb and sickly. Everyone seems so surprised that I came in but I just want to be around my colleagues and keep busy. I've never really experienced a death before (my other grandparents died when I was very young) and I feel like I'm not upset enough... is this normal?

I just want to thank everyone for all your lovely comments. xx

Answer 1

So sorry to hear your bad news, everyone deals with death/the grief in their own way.

When I had a call to say my friend had died, I said 'thanks for letting me know' over the phone, If the death was sudden or not, it's still a shock to you.

Dont be hard on yourself, if you want to keep busy then do it!

Work overtime!

If you want to go cry somewhere quiet, go for it!

Theres no right or wrong answer at all, theres no need to feel guilty, you are just dealing with your emotions, they are your feelings! These may well change each day as you and others around you get used to the whole change.

Take care. x

Answer 2

First and formost, how guilty do you think this person you lost thought you were.

Second, death is part of life. Did this person live a full and happy life? If not, it is admittedly more difficult.

We all die, there is no guilt.

We all wish, when someone we love dies, that we had done more to make this person aware of our affection...this is as natural as breathing. It is part of the process of grief.

I had a very difficult relationship with my Father for most of my life, when my Mom died, and Dad became ill, it was not easy.

When he was very ill, we became much closer. When he was in the hospital, I was visiting and he asked me to clip his fingernails, I did and once cut too close and nicked his skin, He died of septicemia two days later. I will always wonder, but, when I was clipping his nails, I had never felt closer to him, we had never been so at peace with each other. I left him with a warm feeling, and I know he felt the same.

Sometimes we are just a tiny cog in a big wheel.

My dad died knowing that I loved him, and I lived knowing that I loved him to the best of my ability, it made his loss bearable, I suspect for.........both of us.

Grief is a ***** and best viewed from a distance, but truth be told.........."time does heal all wounds".

We suffer the stages of grief, and this is NOT an easy thing, but if we can hang in.......the end is peace.

Bottom line..........nobody you love wan'ts you to suffer because of your self percieved neglect. Likely the comfort you provided was valued.

Denial is the first stage of grief.

There is an excellent book; Death and Dying, that could give you perspective on grief.

Im so sorry for your loss.

Answer 3

Hello,

When someone dies is always a horrible shock even if the person has been sick for a long time. In my opinion there is no! right or wrong way to deal with the experience of death, everyone is different and responds differently.

Its normal to think ALOT over and over about the person who died, your relationship with them, the things you said (good things & bad things, regretts,etc), the things you did together, the places & events, to reflect upon their life. The kind of life they had.

**When someone close dies its a very odd experience to think that you wont see them ever again. That in itself hurts ALOT and its important to let the pain out, cry alot and feel hurt alot and so forth.

**Dont be hard on yourself , if you feel numb & sick thats OK thats just your way of coping with whats happend.

**We live in a strange culture when it comes to death & dying, a culture were the movies, & TV films are full of death. Death is constantly in the news & on TV & on the radio too. YET!! the reality of death for ordinary people is somewhat different, when it happens to you, it makes you look at life from a different perspective.

**I'm not upset enough? The amount of pain & loss a person feels I suspect is determined to some degree by the closeness & degree of intimacy & love & how long you knew that person. The death of a grandparent IS going to feel different from the death of a parent.

IR

Answer 4

*hug*
It's normal.

I thought exactly the same as you and went back to work the day after my Grandpa died, but then immediately wished I hadn't. I just felt weak and vulnerable but not at all tearful.

You'll probably feel numb and like you can carry on through it for a while. The funeral will be cathartic in this case I think - I felt a lot better after my Grandpa's funeral and memorial service as there were so many people who had known and loved him that it seemed more like a grand sending-off than anything else.

Be thankful for knowing her, thankful for her life, and let it all out at the funeral - it may even bring your family and friends closer together than ever.

'Time heals all things'

SS

Answer 5

Hi im also so sorry about your nan,i also lost my nan about 4 mths ago and i felt just like you.I loved my nan to bits,she was such a lovely lady and i miss her like mad.Everyone griefs differantly,so dont worry about that.You are probably still in shock,so later on it will all come out then you will feel alittle better trust me.Once the funeral has past you will get stronger again,and you will think off the good times you had with her.Keep your self busy and take your mind off it,you will be ok be strong for the rest off the family.Take Care xx

Answer 6

there are many different stages of grief and it may not have hit you yet- everyone deals with things in their own way. If you feel you want to be at work at the moment thats fine, a lot of people like to keep busy when they've had bad news. Please dont feel guilty and allow yourself the time you need to deal with this, be that in whatever way is best for you x

Answer 7

Yes its normal, people have their own ways of dealing with grief. The fact the want to keep busy is so that you don't constantly run over it in your mind. Talk with your close friends & family & open up your feelings you will feel a whole lot better. My deepest thoughts go out to you & best wishes.

Answer 8

We all cope with grief in different ways. My mother-in-law died two weeks ago and my husband, who adored her, is very sad. However, he goes to work and gets on with his life. Every now and again we talk about her (every day) so it's not as though she's forgotten. My husband really loved his mother - someone has commented on his apparent ease with which he is dealing with this. It's not - he misses his mother. And of course, he's had his own life for years.
Remember your grandmother with love and affection. If you can't cope, go home, but don't allow other people to tell you how to grieve.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

Sorry to hear of you loss.

When I lost my grandfather I went into work the next day. I felt he would have wanted me to carry on with life and not wallow in self pity. Maybe this is just the way you deal with it, everyone is different. As long as you don't bottle up your feelings I don't see anything wrong with this.