What is a person to do when she has feelings of hatered toward her child?

Question

I have a five year old. There is nothing wrong with my daughter. She is simply a cry-baby. Nothing I tell her is done without a why, a wimper, and a cry. She screams at us, she yells at us. She is so disrespectful. At night, she says she cannot sleep. I tell her to go back to bed, she says she cannot do it. I give her time-outs, I talk to her, I negotiate, I play, I talk. I'm to the point of not caring anymore. I want to leave. What do I do? (To top it all off I haven't had a cigarette in 3 days).

If there were something wrong with me, I would not be asking for help. I do not hate my child. I love her dearly. However, I sometimes have feelings of hatered. Those times when her actions have just beaten me down, those times when parenting takes all I have to give and then some. I tell her all the time that I love her, that she is a good girl, I give her the praise she earns and then some more. I can honestly say I have never told her I hated her, that she was bad, a brat, anything. I have never insulted her, and I never will. Words hurt, especially harsh ones from a mother. But, how do I keep the love I have for her at the top of my mind, and push those short bursts of hatered aside?

Answer 1

5 year olds learn how to behave from us parents. They are our little mirrors. Everything she is doing to you, she more than likely learned from you or your spouse. I have a 5 year old daughter and she has learned all of her bad behavior from me and my wife. It is clear as day to me when I'm being honest about it. It is my fault when she acts out... period. The only way she will change is when I change. Knowing this, my wife and I have teamed up to work on OUR stuff and the results are amazing. A little "Nanny 911" parenting skills come in handy too.

One thing I learned from reading a parenting book was that if you are invested in your child liking you or loving you, you are doomed as a parent. The child will learn how to manipulate this investment of yours to their advantage and you can't be a good and loving parent from that place. Love between a parent and a child is one directional. It is your job to love your child, it is NOT your child’s job to love you.

This can be tough to hear, but believe me, when my 5 year old daughter talks back or acts out (and she does), it doesn't phase me in the least. I do the right thing to love and teach her, even when she doesn't respect me or listen. I just keep doing the right thing like I’m a robot programmed to love and teach this little monster. When you loose your cool, like all parents do, this simple rule has been forgotten and YOU need a timeout to regain your composure.

I lost my cool just the other morning when she called me a liar (a button of mine). 5 minutes later while she was still moping around, I regained my composure and remembered that I can't be invested at all in her loving me, I have to love her. I gave her a hug and she just melted into my arms. I told her that I knew she was frustrated with me. I didn't try and defend myself even though I knew I was right. I then asked her how I could help her do what I was trying to get her to do. To my surprise she offered some very intelligent solutions. I was amazed!

You probably need help. Trying to stop smoking right now may not be the best time as that adds to your irritability and impatience.

Parenting is the toughest job on the planet. Nobody will do it perfectly. Give yourself a break, call in reinforcements, get a plan, work on your stuff and things will work out I promise.

Oh, I almost forgot. Feeling hate toward your child is about as common as the cold. Most parents feel that way from time to time. Don't let it spiral into real hate however as that just isn't fair to your daughter. Also, she can sense how you feel towards her so just because you don't say the words, she knows.

Get some help. You probably can't do this one alone.

Best of luck from a fellow parent of a 5 year old daughter who's "been there".

Answer 2

Yes they do. They have good feeling when something is going their way and a bad feeling when it's not. Then they act in accordance with what will further the good thing. They are alert to the character traits of the people around as well as of their wealth and anything else that could be beneficial. Diversion tactics are a favored way to stop the bad feeling. Manipulation of the situation in order to "win" is strategy. These people are often well liked and admired. They don't consider themselves disordered. Others do. The people they leave in their wake have to digest the experience of relating to a psychopath. I prefer to call them dissocial. It doesn't need to connote actual danger but mostly personal violence of an emotional sort. There are rewards for a relationship with a DPD. It's a roller coaster ride. The lows are low but the highs are really high. It comes down to charm and creativity. Each moment is theirs to manipulate to advantage. An effort at truth for thruth's sake is absent. But yes they feel emotion. Even love. For the moment. Each feeling is for that moment. I think they can feel a deep appreciation each time their wishes are fulfilled. It just doesn't carry over except in a score keeping kind of way.

Answer 3

Parenting is a tough job. Diamond, you must not have any kids...either that or you're the stupid one!
Anyway, I would say that you just need to lay it down BIG TIME!! Take the toys, movies, DVD's, music...anything that she likes. Get a chart and each time she does something "good" let her pick which toy. If not, then continue to take them away. Let her know who is running the show. I know that it's tough sometimes and that it can get the best of you, but you can do it. You can also, and I am not joking, call the Supernanny. Or even go on Ebay and buy her book. You can seriously do this and still maintain your sanity. Take deep breaths (even if it's smoke filled..I smoke too) and try to tell yourself that this too will pass. And it will.
Good Luck to you and I really hope that all works out. I know that you love her. I know that b/c you wouldn't have asked this question at all. You just would have forgotten about her and wnet on w/ your life w/o her. Again, good luck and keep your chin and spirits up!!
Also, don't negotiate......it's your way or she can do without her favorite things.

Answer 4

You need to chill out. Call someone in to help you. You need to be calm and precise with your parenting. No yelling, hitting, spanking...
if you yell, she is getting the attention she wants, and she'll keep it up.
Praise her when she does something good. If she's whining, say: "i'm sorry honey, are you saying something? mommy can't understand you when you cry like that"
If she's wants something bad enough, she'll soon cut out that actions...

Love your poor child. She didn't ask to be brought into this world. The least you can do as a mother is love her and hold her. Tomorrow morning, give her a big hug and kiss, be glad that she's healthy and you have her in your life.
I think you just need a little break. Call a friend or relative to give you a few free hours.

Answer 5

i am going through this with my 4 year old i don't have an advice the thing i do is ignore her or call my mom to take her for awhile she is actually worst then yours she is being evaluated for adhd i get so fed up with mine that i walk out the house and get some air its not helping b/c your quiting smoking i want to but i cant right now I'm also in counseling for this problem maybe that will help you to good luck you could try to do checkered pieces when she gets 7 of them tell her she can pick something fun for yous to do as a family but if she gets in trouble take the Pisces she earned back and tell her she has to start all over it might work

Answer 6

You know, maybe you need a mini vacation from your kid? Do you have a grandparent or a friend of hers that she can spend the weekend with? It can be frustrating and draining to have someone who constantly looks to you to fill their every need and sometimes as parents we forget to look after our own needs.

Have her spend the weekend with someone you trust and on the first night she is gone have a fancy dinner for yourself, something you know she would never eat, open a bottle of wine and take a bubble bath. Sit and relax in the tub and just daydream....

The next day, sleep late and do all the things that you've always wanted to do but couldn't because she doesn't like them. Spend 2 hours in Home Depot or Dillards then watch a horror flick at the matinee. Drink a Martini in the middle of the afternoon. Stop off at the book store on the way home and pick up some book that promises to help you curb whining in your children, then read it from cover to cover.

When she gets home the next day, you'll have started missing her and you'll be so ready for a big hug and kiss. You'll be refreshed and relaxed as a parent. She'll have missed you as well and you can take her on a special ice cream date. Just the two of you.....

Answer 7

You are the mother. There is not reason to negotiate, play, or talk. She needs to listen when you are speaking and that is it. But what I might try kneeling down to her level and tell her "I am your mother and you need to listen to me. If you do not then you will get time out." You also need to make a spot for her to have her time out, like a bean bag or a naughty chair. If she gets up then put her back. Keep doing it until she does what she is told. Also start taking away privileges. My daughter who is 5 years old has DVDs. If she misbehaves then she does not get to watch DVDs. But don't feel the urge to leave your child. Believe it or not times will eventually get worse. Also she maybe crying out for attention. Separate some time for just the two of you during the day. She will eventually give in your what you expect out of her.

Answer 8

I understand completley what you are saying and I can gurantee that I love my child with all of my heart as you do your daughter it is not her that you hate but her actions and her behavior you feel like your whole world is falling apart because of one child and all you want to do is cry and hide but as her mother you cannot you need to take time for yourself even if its only 10 minutes a day because you are going to make your self sick believe me I know also pray if you are a religious family God can help you believe me but most of all remember you are not a failure or horrible mother you are just a human being.

Answer 9

I would say counseling for you and for your daughter....seperate..... for you to learn to get past those feelings and what to do if you have them.. like how to handle them, I would also get a support person, to help you... someone you can trust to help you with her, and to help you learn how do handle her and to give you some ideas on disipline.... and someone to help you with the quitting smoking... I have done it and I know it is rough.... you are always irritable, but don't worry you will get through it.

Counseling for your daughter will give her someone to talk to and she can let them know what is on her mind, and they can figure out why she has such an attitude... it may be an underlying problem that she feels she can't talk to you about.... yes children that age even have some issues with talking to their parents.... and then you can meet with her counseler and find out what is going on..... then you can work towards rebuilding and getting a better understanding of each other.........I hope everything works out for you......I think what the both of you really need is a lot of love....... more than ever......for some reason I get the feeling that she doesn't feel like she gets enough of it and that is why she does what she does.

Answer 10

I do feel for you, 5 is a very testing age. Having said that, just b/c you say you don't call her a brat or tell her you hate her, doesn't mean she hasn't picked it up in your body language. It is not healthy for a child to be feeling like mummy seems to hate me. That's the sort of stuff that can wreck her self-esteem forever. Kudos for giving up smoking, but the fact you are having withdrawal is not your daughter's fault. Good luck to you.