How do I explain?

Question

Ok, here's the situation. My daughter is 4 1/2 years old. She has not seen her biological father for over 3 years, and probably will never see him again. He gave up his parental rights when we divorced, so I am literally her only parent. I have been dating an amazing guy for about 8 months and we are moving in together in January. My daughter has started asking if my boyfriend is her daddy. Now we do want to get married, but there's no ring yet and you never know what's going to happen. She knows she doesn't have a dad and knows that most kids have dads. Ugh, it's so frustrating. How do I explain to my 4 year old that my boyfriend is not her daddy, even though one day he more than likely will be. When I get the question "Is Evan my daddy?" I tell her "maybe someday and I sure hope so". Any other suggestions?

My daughter really wants to call him daddy, she loves him and is so attatched to him, but he's just not ready for that yet. He wants to take things very slowly to make sure that nothing can mess this up. (we both rushed in to our last marriages and we don't want to repeat that). He loves her very much, but he's being cautious (which I really appreciate). I know that this will just get harder when we move in with him. I don't want to disrupt her feelings for him by saying "No, he's not your daddy" but he's not, not yet. *sigh*

Answer 1

Let me try to help by telling you whats going on with me.
My son is 3 and since he was 9 months old my husband has been in his life. His first words were "dada" even though we never called my husband that to him!
He calls him daddy and my husband treats him like his son. The father IS in the picture (sometimes about once a year) and his parents try to get my son to refer to him as "daddy" and my son looks around for my husband.
Point is - to a child that young . . daddy is the person in their life that fills that role.
People have gotten married and their TEENAGE stepchildren call them "dad" or "mom" its more of an emotional attachment than a biological one.
In your case, I think that you need to have a sit down with your boyfriend. Tell him that your child's happiness is number one and that you don't want to confuse her. Discuss if he is comfortable with her calling him that, and see for yourself if he treats her as a daddy would.
Talk together about how to approach it, but I dont believe that any 4 year old needs to have a sit down about biology and how babies are made because thats the only way she'll understand.
MY OPINION is that IF you and your boyfriend are planning to get married (you should have a ring lol) then you should ask your daughter if she WANTS to call him daddy. Say "do you want to call Evan daddy?" "do you think Evan is good to you like a daddy?" lead up to it in a more emotional way for her so that she is able to understand what daddys do and decide if she thinks that your boyfriend is worthy of that title - kids are great at knowing good people.
I hope this helped even though I rambled a little :)

Answer 2

One thing I don't get is that the state would let the father give up his parental rights without another man taking his financial place, it just doesn't happen and I am almost 100% positive that you have a right to child support.

OK, as far as your daughter, tell her the truth the way a 4 year old will understand. Don't give her hope about Evan because if it doesn't come through then that's more explanation. Tell her that daddy has gone away and may probably never come back. You have to discuss with Evan if he wants to be referred to as Daddy by your daughter, he is just as involved in this decision as you are and she is. Once that's established then you can make a more informed statement when she asks if Evan is her daddy, then you won't be so weirded out about what to tell her.

I believe in honesty. My sons father was adopted and didn't know until he was 30 years old. His whole life was a lie, mom and dad not who he thought they were, including other denials by his adoptive parents, and these lies and denials I believe were a big part of his problems (drug abuse and suicide). Though his adoptive parents meant well they were only looking at the here and now and not down the road. You don't have to be brutally honest at such a young age, but if you start telling even one little white lie then that little lie will grow and be something that gets out of control.

Answer 3

I say the best idea is to just be honest with her. Yet in the words of Dr Phil. Dont make kids deal with adult issues. She is too young to understand and Im sure if the day comes where Evan is her dad. She will except him then. But if your not sure if Evan is around for the long haul I wouldnt get her hopes up telling her things like well maybe one day he will be. Stick with the some families have a mommy some have a daddy or some families have a mommy and daddy.. at least till the situation changes

Answer 4

Sounds like youre doing good enough as is right now.
Youre being honest with her.
And as young as she is, just know whatever you tell her will follow her in the years to come. so with you being completely honest with her, theres no possible resentment to come.
Well, accept through those terrible teens when every kid resents everything.

Take it as it comes. thats one of those tough situations that you cant rehearse a speech for. just always be honest with her, and that will sort itself out in the future

Not too much advice I know, but youre doing just fine as it appears to me.

Now, when the time comes -- if it does, Id ask her IF she wants Evan to be her Daddy.
If she persists with what hapened to her daddy, well, nothing you can do accept tell her that sometimes daddys leave -- but mommys never leave.

Hope it helps

Answer 5

Tell her the truth. She already realizes she doesn't have a father, but knowing that there is man in her life willing to take on that responsibility could be just as comforting. It's not a good idea to tell her he is her father because there could be disaster if she finds out you've been lying to her the whole time.

Answer 6

Just because he didn't help in her creation doesn't mean he can't be her dad.(Speaking if you guys do get married) A father/dad isn't just the person who gave her life he is the strong male role and a listener and a friend. Tell her that (if you guys get married and if he doesn't mind) that she can call him dad if she wants but he isn't her father.

Answer 7

All i choose for Christmas is my 2 the front tooth ( I had an coincidence years in the past and the front have porcelin caps that favor to get replaced in about 2 months at the same time as i might want to have saved sufficient funds to modify them!)

Answer 8

Just tell her it's not her dad, but he still loves her very much (I hope) and one day maybe you and him will marry because you guys love each other...but it will never ever replace the love you have for her and after you guys are married she can call him dad if her and him are okay with it.

Answer 9

im soooo sorry....bless her heart for wanting to know where daddy is...it about brought me to tears......you have to be up front and honest with her...quickly tell her daddy is not here now and move on to another subject...at her age, when you change subjects, her next question might be about how big trees are....please let me know how things are going with you and your daughter on this subject, you can reach me at [e-mail]...i wish you the best,

chris

Answer 10

i Think its better to tell her that he is becaus she is 41/2! positive thinking is better. sorry for your ex though he missed out on so , much.but the thing is tell her that he is so she wont be left out!