Need help in handling mother in law during pregnancy?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and my mother in law has always been fairly non interferring if somewhat opinionated. But now I am pregnant things have taken a turn. Im only turning 3 months next week and she is already telling me when 'WE' need to register for the baby gifts. She has bought me maternity clothes for my birthday next month when I had already said that I didnt need or want maternity clothes as my friend who is the same size and style as me has a ton for me. I could probably deal with all this but then she said to my husband she wanted to be in the delivery room with me! I am not particularly close to her so the thought of this makes me extremely uncomfortable. My mom lives far away in another state but I am very close to her and we talk every day and I feel like that my mother in law is trying to be my mom and this is just not sitting well with me. I know she is only trying to help and I really appreciate her support but I just feel so suffocated

Answer 1

My family went through this also. Express your feelings to her now. Tell her that you feel that your mother should be in the room, or that you prefer it to be a time for just yourself and your husband. Allow her into the room while you are laboring if you wish, but at any time, all you have to do is ask the nurses, and they will ask her to leave so that you do not have to. Also remember that when she was having children, others weren't allowed in the room, not even the husbands, so she may be looking at this as a new experience. Some women feel that no matter who (their daughter, daughter in law, etc) is pregnant, it is their given right to be able to experience this with the new parents. You will be tired while laboring and will probably not feel like arguing. I asked my mother to let my husband and I be the only ones in the room with my youngest as she was there with my oldest, but she pushed her way in at the last minute and I caved. Don't let this happen to you. I still feel some resentment over it. Get it out in the open now, or plan on asking a nurse to take care of it when you first arrive at the hospital. As for the clothes, accept them graciously, and where them when you see her if you wish. If you chose not to (they're dirty, they dont fit yet or anymore, etc) you can always donate them to a needy family or the salvation army, or another charity. Also let her know that you are an adult, and will follow your dr's advise on everything although you appreciate hers. As far as registering, is she planning a shower for you, and if so when? She may just want to make sure that you have everything listed when this time comes that you will need. One last thing, accept her help after the birth. She doesn't need to be there everyday, but there will be times when you dont feel like getting up to make the bottle or dinner, and she may be able to help with the laundry, dishes etc. Enjoy someone taking care of you while you are getting to know your precious new baby. I hope all works well

Answer 2

My (soon to be) mother in law acted pretty rationally during my pregnancy, but it grated on my nerves really REALLY bad when she substituted my name for the word 'preggo', even when introducing me to new people (like, 'hello, this is the preggo' and the new person would try to be polite and say Hi, but would have no idea what my name even was).

I completely understand about the delivery room. What was nice about my hospital was that there was a 2 person limit. Even if your hospital does not have this, you can say that there is, and that unfortunately your husband and your own mother had already been invited before you found out about the limit.

And then let the nurses at the hospital know, so they don't tell her she can go on in, or so that they can fend her off if she tries.

Go register with your husband for most of the things, and then leave a few important items off of the registry and go back later to update it. Take her with you to the update trip. Even if she goes nuts and registers you for tons of crap you don't want, you can always get on-line when you get home or go back to the store later and take it all back off.

As for the maternity clothes, well, there is no real choice there but to accept them graciously. Try to wear them at least once, when you know you'll be seeing her, but if they are something totally repulsive or don't fit throughout your whole pregnancy, either pass them on to someone else or donate them. Women's shelters and your local Division of Family and Children love to receive that sort of thing. My son ended up with 2 cradles, and we donated one of them to the DFC, and it was used by babies that were put into foster care for one reason or another.

Her buying you maternity clothes isn't anything that you need to feel resentful for. She's trying to help, in her own overbearing way, and this is a really small thing. When she was pregnant, maternity clothes were terrible, misshapen, muu-muu-type things, so she probably just got excited when she saw all of the neat options that you have now.

Like someone else said, pick your battles. The delivery room situation is battle-worthy, the clothes? Not so much. As the newness of the pregnancy wears off, she'll probably back off a little, too.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I hope it works out for you!

Answer 3

I'm so sorry that you appear to have the mother-in-law from hell. There could be a couple of reasons for her behaviour: One is that she's an old bag and she's liable to stay an old bag. Two is that she may be very unsettled by her husband's ill health? Which may make her grumpy and irritable? Your hubby seems to see exactly what is going on - which is one very positive step in the right direction. So, my advice is to take a deep breath and be the bigger person. Take your mother in law to one side and tell her you really want her to be part of this child's life and where exactly does her problem with you lie. Be calm, be rational but pin her down. What exactly is her problem. You may just find she's a very scared woman, terrified about a future without her husband and taking it out on you. Then you can very gently reassure her that you and your hubby - and the child to be - very much want her to be a part of your family and that if she is worried at all about anything she can come and talk to you - but she needs to drop the attitude as it makes it very difficult. I hope this works for you. Sometimes people need to be spoken to calmly about their bad behaviour in order to recognise whatt hey're doing. Alternatively, she may just be a rotten old bag, in which case there isn't a lot you can do, other than bite your tongue, smile sweetly and only see her when absolutely necessary. Good luck xxx

Answer 4

I have been in your exact situation not once but twice. My mother in law was this way with our wedding and with our first child. I hate to say this because it is always difficult, but the only tried and true solution is honesty. Tell her in the nicest way possible that it is NOT ok for her to be in delivery room with you. Or ask your husband to break the news as nicely as possible. It is his mother after all. As far as registering, baby showers, and all the other stuff...pick your battles. If there is something you absolutely can't deal with that is when you need to put your foot down. Easier said than done I know but in a few months you will be uncomfortable enough without the added stress. Good Luck with a new happy and healthy baby.

Answer 5

My suggestion is to just appreciate the things that she does for you. I do not think that buying you maternity clothes for your birthday is something to get upset about, but as far as being in the delivery room, I totally understand. Before she gets her mind really set on being in there with you, make it clear to her now that you appreciate that she is excited, but that you just wouldnt be comfortable with her in there (been there). If you don't feel comfortable telling her, let your husband do it. She will understand better now than if you wait til your in labor and she is expecting to be in the room. Good luck and congrats!

Answer 6

ah i wish my soon to be mother inlaw was a bit more interested.
shes probably just really excited about becoming a granparent.
i think shes just trying to make your life a lot easier.
one suggestion for the delivery if she really wants to see it you could film it for her if u feel comfortable to do so. let her know she can wait out side the delivery room and as soobn as the little one comes she can come and say hi.
if your husband is delayed she may be the only one to help with the birth.
try and get her involved in another way. maybe ask her to arrange a baby shower for you but you do need to be strict with her as early on so she dosent stress you out too much.

good look and enjoy the attention when the babys born ur little one will have it all!!
good luck

Answer 7

My husband and I lived far away from home when we had our 1st baby, and MIL came to visit when baby was born. She also wanted to be in the room with me, and I wasn't for the idea either. I talked to my Dr and nurses about it, and had them "suggest" that it would be in baby's best interest for it to be just hosptial people, hubby and I in the room. Hope this helps and your delivery goes well! With the way you obviously feel about it, having her there could very well make you so nuts that your blood pressure could easily be elevated and cause problems for you and baby, so I would voice my concerns now.

Answer 8

Put yourself in her shoes. Her son is having his first child!! That is something to celebrate and it IS a family event. I do not think your MIL is being malicious or mean spirited in any way, in fact I think she is just super excited and wants to be involved; and many grandmas to be are like that! She is part of YOUR family now too and I think that's something to consider. She is trying to be part of it and celebrate with you all by doing the baby gift registration and the maternity clothes. I think that I would let her do those parts for you. If she wants to spend money on clothes, let her, that is her gift to you. If you aren't into gift registration, let her do that part, what is the harm to you? However, I totally understand where you are coming from. I think this is a classic case for compromise. Pick your battles. I think the battle for delivery room presence is one you might want to fight (rather than the gifts, clothes, etc.) Try to be gentle as you assert your wishes, as you do NOT want to piss off your MIL, this is something that could easily haunt you for years, but I think you have a right to choose who sees that part of you naked.... Maybe you guys should just have a heart to heart. There are good parts to having a really super involved grandma... free babysitting hint hint... Good luck...

Answer 9

well, remember, she IS your mother...your mother in law...

and this is her grandchild...

and she wants to help. just set some limits.
what's she gonna do, get mad?? she'll get over it.
you're both being selfish.
so what if she bought you maternity clothes. who cares. she's just being nice. and the least you can do is appreciate the fact that you have someone who cares.
try doing it all by yourself...then you can tell me what's harder.