I am 21 years old with a 17 month old little girl who is my life. When I found out that I was pregnant the biological father dissappeared and told me he wanted nothing to do with us. That is fine...that is not the problem. I have met someone else who loves me and my daughter very much and now I am pregnant again. He wants to get married and legally adopt my daughter as his own. I have a very bad relationship with my family and they they are not going to take this news lightly. My boyfriend and I live together now with my daughter and things are great! However, because of what happened the first time around with child #1 I am sceptical of what will happen now. (Even though I KNOW for SURE he is not going to leave...doubt is stuck in the back of my stupid head.) Well, now the problem is...how do I tell my family? The other question is...would it be okay if my daughter grew up to know my boyfriend/fiance/future husband as her father and never tell her the biological truth? HELP!
2006-11-28 10:13:34 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
If your current BF wants to adopt your daughter her biological father must sign over his rights. So he would have to know about it. I would tell your daughter the truth about her bio-father when she is old enough to understand. Even if your BF does not legally adopt her I'd tell her the truth someday.
As for telling your family explain to them how wonderful your relationship is with your BF and if you plan to get married tell them that too. They may still not take it well but it shouldn't stop you from being excited.
2006-11-28 10:17:25 · answer #1 · answered by Melissa J 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is good that you have found a man who loves you and your daughter very much.
when you tell your family, they might not take it lightly but at the end of the day all you can do is tell them the facts how they act after that is their problem, they may come round to the idea eventually, or they may not but just you concentrate on your boyfriend the baby to come and you daughter and your happiness,
As for you daughter growing up and calling your boyfriend dad that's great and if that is the case she will always regard him as her father anyway, the man who brings you up is your dad and that's the way she will see it. But please don't lie to her, tell her from an early age that your boyfriend is not her real dad but he loves her just as if he were her real daughter. if you kept it from her and she ever found out her whole world would crumble and it would cause a major fall out between you 2 in the future, a person deserves to know who their real parents are, And if you know for sure that your boyfriend won,t leave you then if you really want to get married go for it, this could be the start of a really happy family. All the best
2006-11-28 10:31:42 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the fact that your boyfriend wants to marry you and adopt your little girl as his own is proof in itself that he is (so far) a great guy! Many men would never do that. Do not make the mistake of trying to pin what your ex boyfriend did to you on this new guy. They are two totally different people and that would be unfair to him.
Why wouldn't your family be happy you found a nice guy who wants to marry you? You are 21 and an adult, and you are obviously making your own decisions, if they can't handle the news, that is their tough luck. Just tell them straight out, or wait till after the wedding. (my uncle did that, he had gone to Malaysia for his job and married a wonderful gal (She's from the Phillipines, he's white), and we didn't know he was married till 5 months later. This was because he probably knew his mom wouldn't approve, but she ended up really liking her, I think.
I'd tell your daughter the truth if she asks, or later when she's old enough to understand, if you think she can handle it. Does your ex come around, or pay child support? If he's not in her life at all, then maybe not mention it till she's older. She does have a right to know.
2006-11-28 10:30:15 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to understand you are young and nothing stays the same. Okay now you will be the mother of two (you will be the mother of two). You can't be sure of anything other than you are pregnant again at 17 and will have another child. Yes it sounds nice the getting married, the adoption, you are young, what about an education, you will need that to raise a family, with our without a father/husband. 17 and living with a man, okay, you say you are not close to your family but what about being independent, taking care of self, and now these two children. Whatever you do don't lose yourself, because your children will need you (you). God Bless.
2006-12-01 20:33:54 · answer #4 · answered by Bethy4 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Telling a child a lie is never a good idea, but if you are certain that this is a good guy you should be safe to let him adopt her. Make sure that you know this though, because living with someone puts you into a marraige type of situation that is easy to get stuck in. If this guy is dedicated to you and your daughter, meaning he does no drugs, if he drinks, it is only on rare occasion, he is not always out with his friends, and he can hold down a steady job without taking any anger or frustrations out on you or the child, than it sounds great.
Tell your family in a positive way. I told my family that I was having my 6th child by giving them a picture frame with a photo of each of my 5 kids, plus an ultrasound picture. I gave this to them last Christmas, and it went over well. They are not crazy about my large family, and I always dread the 'oh my goodness' comments. These were not done because of the environment I chose to break the news in.
Good luck.
2006-11-28 10:21:19 · answer #5 · answered by Krista13 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Regarding your last question: I think that the father is the one who does the fathering. I think she should know that she was created by another male though for medical reasons etc. but don't honour him with the title of dad. It will be easier if she knows this from the start then chances are she will pretty much not worry about it as she gets older. Leaving it till later to tell invariably creates emotional havoc. But then, there are lots of children even born within marraige who are not the biological children of their father, so it really is up to you.
If your family are so unsupportive let them find out in the fullness of time. A big belly is hard to miss! A wedding invitation is a fine announcement.
Regarding your fears - you know by now that there are no guarantees in life. I really think that he has expressed his intentions and you don't get any better than that. Hope you are all happy.
2006-11-28 10:24:28 · answer #6 · answered by asiwant 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you kidding? No, you cannot tell your daughter that your boyfriend/fiance/future husband is her father. That's a blatant lie. Why would you do that to your child? She is still part of you AND your ex. She can grow up knowing that your boyfriend loves her like his own and that he takes care of her. Your boyfriend cannot adopt your daughter without the full consent of her biological father. Regardless, if your ex doesn't sign his rights over, immediately file for child support. Rather if he is in her life, or not, he still should pay to support her.
As far as telling your family - you are an adult. You have to learn that you can't please everyone. Just tell them.
2006-11-28 10:23:27 · answer #7 · answered by downinmn 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well handle it. Be with that guy that wants to be with you. Why would your family be so mad about it? DO they know this guy and not like him? Or would they be mad that your getting pregnant again? Arent you 21? So what's the big deal? What i would do is sitt down with your family and just be calm and let them know everything. Tell them that this guy treats you good and wants to be a father to your children. Which is sooooo important to them more than anything that they have a father example in theit lives. And just tell your family that your puting your kids first in this situation and all that. You never know, your family might be really happy for you. Of course it's ok for your daughter to know that this guy is her daddy. Just because those other guys were just sperm doners. They aren't dads. They walked out on you. Being a dad is something that this new guy wants to be so let him. But you do need to stop having kids because this situation is too hard on you and on the kids. You need to collect child support from your babies dads though. There are alot of resources that can help you out.
well, good luck!!!
2006-11-28 10:26:39 · answer #8 · answered by I love my kids! 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, congratulations on finding a new relationship with someone who loves and supports you, and congratulations on your new pregnancy.
Second, I wouldn't worry about your parents and siblings. You are creating your own family now, one that revolves around you, your fiance and your two children. That is the family on whom you should focus. Part of being an adult is standing up for yourself and creating your own life.
You do need to be honest with your daughter when the time comes and you also need to inform her biological father that your new BF will be adopting his daughter. Honesty always is best.
2006-11-28 10:22:27 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well i was in that same situation but only there were no kids involved and my husband and i are in North Carolina and my family is in Florida,we moved up here a couple of days ago. Look if you have a good man the worse thing you can to him is have him suffer for the previous guy's mistakes.I personally think that you aren't completely over what happened to Listen to your heart , before you can think clearly you have to get that toxic out of your heart your heart wouldn't lie to you ...And if this good man is for you great .Dont let your family stop you from being happy.You are grown and have to live your life for you in most cases you family does try to look out for your best interest.But you have to live for the two of you and God forbid if things get as sour as a lemon like that saying goes "when life gives you lemons make lemonade". I told my parents one wasn't thrilled with it but i came to them as an adult things went a little sour but i have my husband now and like the bible says "when a husband and wife wed their bond is now more stronger than your bond with anyone else.Pray about and ask God so show you what direction you should go in.but if yall get married that child should have the right to know who her real father is let her decide if she wants that relationship with her dad .Because if she finds out about him through someone else she will be hurt and that could kill your relationship with her honesty is the best policy
2006-11-28 10:46:44 · answer #10 · answered by TRUTH 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋