How do I get my 7 year old to talk to me?

Question

My son's father and I are divorced and I have remarried. The father suddenly cut all contact to my son(now 7) and daughter(now 4) 1 1/2 years ago, after I was told about the physical abuse from his girlfriend. Everytime he "sneaks" a chance from his girlfriend to see them while they're at his sister's (just to make him look like a good father to his mother when she's in town) my son acts up at home and at school after the encounter. He won't talk to me about how he feels about all of this. But he tells his teacher that his real dad doesn't like him, and he talks to my mother-in-law about this subject occasionally. I have never done or said anything bad about my ex around the children, and I just wish he could tell me why he axts so bad for myself and his teachers. Does ayone have any advice?

To answer some of your questions...First, the abuse is between the girlfriend and my ex, she hits on him, but my son has seen it at previous visits and told me about it. Second, everytime he does see his father, my son is told to call him and they will see each other more often, then he doesn't answer his phone. And Third, I've tried everything I know how to do to get my ex to see his kids without involving them in any of the drama, apparently his girlfriend does not allow him, which is very sad and disturbing that he would even let someone tell him not to see his own family. I have never refused him visitation, I am only looking out for my childrens' best interest.

Answer 1

I have a 7 year old son and I am divorced. As for your son, he's going through an emotional stage and if you can pretty much guess why he's like this, I would suggest telling him how you know how he feels by saying "Son, I know it's your father you miss him, I wish I can give you all the things you wanted, I know you are angry and probably don't want to upset me by talking about the way you feel, but just remember, I'll love you know matter what, and I'll be by your side as long as we live and I'll be there for you when you're ready to talk about anything. I will understand you and be very proud of you when you are ready to tell me about your feelings."

Answer 2

Be honest with your child. Have a quiet time alone with him, physically touch his hand or face, tell him that you love him, and tell him that you are worried about something. Go on to explain that you've noticed that when he sees his father at his aunt's that he seems upset afterwards. Ask him if he has noticed that. Ask him if he knows why. If he's still reluctant to talk about it then explain that you've thought of a few reasons why this might be happening and can he tell you if you've got it wrong.

1) Is seeing his Dad making your son miss him even more than usual? 2) Does his Dad do or say anything to him during these visits that upsets your son? 3) Does someone else do or say anything during these visits that upsets your son? 4) Is your son feeling angry at his Dad and doesn't know what to do with those feelings? 5) Is your son feeling angry at you and doesn't know what to do with those feelings?

If your son is wanting more time with his father (and it is safe) is there any way of arranging for them to have one-on-one time? Even if it was at your home and you stay in another room reading or whatever. Children that age can feel rejected if an absent parent makes no effort to have some private time together when they see each other - it sounds like it is always a full house when your son sees his Dad. Even the two of them playing a game at the kitchen table while the others stay in the living room will go a long way to making your child feel like his father "likes" him. It's good that you're getting some feedback from your son's grandmother and teacher (and it's terrific that he is opening up a little to them!) - ask them for their insight as to why this is happening and how to make this a happier time for your son. You could also explore counselling for the family, not just your son - and definitely should do this if your son's behaviour continues or worsens. Also, your local transition house/women's shelter can give you information on free counselling programs for children who have witnessed/experienced abuse. It's an excellent program and not only helps the child cope with any trauma they've experienced but also stops the cycle of abuse. Hope some of this helps.

Answer 3

Is it the father who is being abusive to his son? I wasn't sure if you meant the father or the father's girlfriend. If it was the father, then you have to keep your son from seeing him. You might have to go to court and get a restraining order against him. If you don't want to do that, then you cannot allow your children to go to his sister's where he can sneak a chance to see them. Your child's emotional well-being is the most important thing. So, if I were you, I would only allow the sister and your former mother-in-law to visit the children in your home, where you can control the situation. I would not send my children to another home where they might be emotionally upset by a visit from their dad.

Answer 4

Not all kids will express themselves, especially in a situation like this one. You can try to talk to him about it without putting down your ex. If you don't want him having any contact, you could talk to your ex sister in law about it and the concerns... Or take your son to a therapist who could help out with his feelings.

I'm sorry you're going thru this, that's tough on a little one.

Answer 5

Don't pry. Try to slip an answer out of him. And don't forget he's seven. That means u can bribe him for an answer easily- just dont make it seem that way. Just tell him that in order for you to get a candybar or a certain toy that he especialy likes u must know about blah blah for a certain reason. You just have to practice being tricky. much luck :-)

Answer 6

talking to the boy will require patience.
give it lots of time like maybe 4 hours of alone time
no tv, phone, just out in a boat or fishing or alone away from distractions. no radio.
stay quiet and just listen. use "reflective listening" and lots of
empathy. do not get judgmental about anyone. just reflect the child's feelings. don't ask direct questions, wait for the child to go there.
good luck.
also study reflective listening before you try this.

Answer 7

you can start by asking questions. and if your son says anything positive of your ex, agree with him and put on your "understanding" face. dont say anything negative about your ex. a lot of kids are just scared that their parent would get mad at them for discussing the other parent's good sides.

Answer 8

I would tell him that he should know that it's okay for him to talk to you about anything because there is nothing he has to keep from you, no matter how bad or hurtful it may be. Just reassure him that you are always here if he wants to talk or even vent about his father.

Answer 9

He is most likely afraid to tell you or talk to you about this. He could think that it is his fault for everything. Reassure him that it is not his fault and he is loved unconditionally by you and that anything he says will not get him in to trouble. It might take a few times for this, but he could come around and talk to you.

Answer 10

Check into some counseling - probably short term - with someone who is not emotionally charged by the events. Someone who can get your son to open up to himself, then to you in comfort. You need to get the lines of communication open with him asap so that you won't have troubles with him when he begins to go through his rough teen years.

Fight for his love and get him to open up to you!