My husband and I are haveing a debate...can you help?

Question

My husband grew up in a house where his mom made his bed, straightened his room, brought down his dirty laundry, folded it, and put it away, etc. basically he had no chores growing up. I on the other hand was responsible to bring my dirty clothes to the laundry, put them away when they were clean and folded, make my bed, clean my room as well as other household tasks like careing for the pets, dishes, etc. Now on to what we are debating about, we have three children 7 years, 3 years, and 5 months and I am a SAHM (have been for a little over a year) and I believe that our children should be able to make their own beds (obviously the seven year old by himself and the three year old with help), bring down their dirty laundry, put it away when it is done, straighten their rooms etc. My husband on the other hand thinks that I am "being just plain lazy" because I don't do it. I have enough things to take care of every day.

If I have time, then I do put away their laundry, and straighten their rooms, but, especially with the oldest, is this asking to much of him (he'll be eight in Feb.) or is my husband setting him up to be spoiled and lazy?

Answer 1

I agree with you, sweetie. Those kids need to learn how to do it. My wife is a SAHM and she has a lot to do, what with PTA and the other stuff she does at the school - plus dinner, and her own chores she does. I do the laundry, mow the lawn, take care of the cars, etc. That's my job. Her job is taking care of the kids. The Kid's jobs are to take care of their grades, and to keep their rooms clean and neat.

You're right - tell your husband to back you on this one.

Answer 2

I can see where both of you are coming from .Children should have age appropriate chores it teaches them responsibility and it help them mature .And i say that because the older they get the more chores they get which gives them more responsibility.You can't give a five year old a eight year old chore because the are not mature or responsible enough to handle that chore.now i think a seven year old is old enough to clean his room bring down his laundry and help him to separate his laundry show him how to do it and then when he learns the technique allow him to do it while you supervise. It will leave him feeling like a big boy.while supervising allow him to feed the animals let them see what you do and it will make them want to do it.Now with the three yr old they can only do so much but as they grow and when you feel the time is right add on some more chores ....And if you husband is up for it allow him to do the house chores for a week and maybe he will have the same respect and sees things your way.But girl you're on the right track

Answer 3

I don't think it's asking too much if they keep their rooms straightened up or bring you dirty laundry. They have to learn some responsibility some time! Maybe start with a couple of chores and work up from there. Obviously, it's easier for your 7 yr old to understand the importance of doing those things. your 3 yr old might not get it yet. But they can be your "helpers" and help you do stuff... that makes it fun and they won't complain about doing it. Later, you can move on to feeding the dog or taking out trash.

If they don't do a little bit around the house, you will end up being the maid for everyone.

Answer 4

I have 5 children. 10, 8, 6, 3 and 3 months. I give them ALL age appropriate chores. (except for the baby of course!) It takes very little of their time but saves mine. You are not being lazy, you are teaching responsibility. Children should learn not to expect everything to be done for them or handed to them. I'm not mean, I just want my children to be well behaved members of society.

My older 3 make their own beds. The oldest 2 take out the trash and alternate cleaning the bathroom. (no chemicals are used by the kids, I just have them straighten up and take out the bathroom trash, replace the toilet paper roll, etc)

The oldest 2 are responsible for folding and putting away their own clothes. I fold the 6 year old and 3 year old's clothes, and they put them away. All 4 of the older ones are responsible for cleaning their own rooms and getting their toys from around the house at the end of the day, or they are put in a bucket and they don't get them back right away.

They've also been taught to hang up their backpacks, jackets, and to put their shoes in their shoe bins at the end of each school day.

The 10 year old takes the dog out. The 8 year old feeds him.

I don't have any of them do dishes, since I want to make sure they are clean. I don't expect any of them to care for the baby. I don't have them vacuum, again, because I would rather it be done thoroughly. But as they start hitting the teen years, the chores will increase based on what they can handle at their age.

I am a working mother, so all of our chores are in the evening and on weekends.

I don't make them scrub the floors or do the laundry. it's just things that they can do at their age, with plenty of time afterwards to play and be kids.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Stand your ground, you are doing a good thing.

Answer 5

I am on your side! The kids need responsibility's They need chores. So many young people are growing up not knowing how to do anything. My son's made their own bed's and is they didn't bring their dirty laundry to me I didn't wash them. I would put their clothes on their beds and when they got home from school they put their own clothes away. I also taught them how to cook and do all kinds of house work I told them that they may have to live on their own or help their wives out when they grow up because their wives weren't their slaves.They are in their 30's now and they have wives who are happy to have husbands who don't treat them as slaves. My younger son is a much better cook than his wife is. She was raised in a house where her Mother was the household slave and my son had to teach her how to fold sheets do laundry cook well he taught her everything. A SAHM has a lot to do! Three years old is a good age to start training them to keep their toys picked up and put away my son did this with my grandson at 3 years old and now my grandson is 15 and he to will one day make a very responsible husband.You training your kids to do chores is not I repeat not being lazy!

Answer 6

This is a nasty problem! You must have married him before he ever had to live away from home and learn how to take care of himself. You two should have discussed this BEFORE having children.

Given that you have the problem now, you have to be assertive and let him know that you are doing the right thing by making certain the kids know how to do things for themselves. It is better for them to learn what goes into taking care of a household. We have enough spoiled young people (like your husband) in this world already!

There is nothing wrong with the way his mom did things if that was what she wanted. You are probably doing quite enough for the kids and your husband. My mom was similar to his mom, but she made sure to teach us (I have 2 brothers & 2 sisters) how to help out. We even had a part-time maid when I was growing up. Mom even made us help the maid with our personal stuff! I didn't mind helping out with laundry and cleaning and had regular chores to do inside and outside the house. I especially loved to help mom cook. She was an award-winning, creative, Cajun cook. Most kids like to help cook. Make the other chores as much fun for them as possible. And if your husband still thinks you are "being lazy", it is time to find a marriage counselor!

Answer 7

Well lets see....Im an 18 yearold that has come from a pretty huge family...i live in a house with 3 girls and 4 boys...My mother took care of us all while we were growing up but when we reached a certain age.. and she started us off early saying.. pick that up...or clean this...but when she felt that we should do it ourselves she made us...I know it is supposed to be a dual upbringing with you and your husband telling the kids what to do and helping them out but the worst thing i can see comming from this is consistancy problems...i am fortunate to have parents that agree...so whatever my mom brought up my Dad would agree...it is when there are two different feelings comming from the parents that mess up a kid...the kid will always have that special connection to the mother but if he/she knows that the father will let them get away with it you'll soon find that you'll be asked less of...

You are not just being "plain lazy" you have things to do...teaching your children the way you were taught if you feel you were taught more correctly is the way to go...You're husband had a more shelterd life...i am in college now and i know how to do all of this... my roomate doesnt now how to seperate colors and fabrics...you should see what he walks around in...

you are doing the right thing having them do it theirselves...I mean because lets be honest... you could do it yourself am i right? one of the many jobs a stay at home mom has is teaching their children while maintaining a personal life.

If you are doing this than all is well....
you as a couple cant agree to disagree when it comes to kids...they are more important...come to a consensus and do what you both feel is right...

:)

Answer 8

I'm on ur side, I dont want my husband to fully depend on me. HE IS going to help around the house. If we as women have to cook, clean, take care of the kids, and then make these men happy, well they better do some chores too. I dont want my kids to end up lazy so teaching them to clean up after themselves is a good thing. If u dont teach them that well it'll effect them in the long run. What about if they go to college out of state? How will they do things on thier own, or does ur husband expect you to follow them where ever they go to pick up after them? I think ur husband should trade places with you for a day so he can realize all you do and that there is NO reason why he should call you lazy.

Answer 9

this is a little odd because bieng a sahm you don't really do anything work-wise that a maid couldn't do.

They should pick up a bit, but you should go over with your husband and create a real list of "chores" that you do and "chores" your children should do. There is nothing wrong with teaching them to do things, but it seems the heart of this discussion is not what they do or don't do, its that he feels that you don't work and what you do has no value and you do little enogh already so now you want your kids to do part of the work for you.

I agree with him in that sahms are basically glorified maids for 99% of what they do and the other 1% of spending time with the kid while they are younger is a mental component that adds to other time spent with them.

However, you are not incorrect in thinking the children should have chroes because this is the beginning of teaching them responsibility.

Solution: Get yourself a real job, hire a maid and give the kids chores.

Answer 10

Just because you are a sahm doesn't mean you must do everything. How can you teach one to be responsible and have respect for the things they have if they don't have to take care of it. There is no harm in making your chidren do basic house chores, and the chores should go along with their age. I agree with you completely. A little chores never hurt.. They can relax and be lazy when they have their own house!