Help with 11 year old step son?

Question

My step son is extremely jealous of his new baby sister from me and his dad. He also has a new sister from his mom only a few weeks younger than my daughter. But he is jealous. Causing a lot of problems between me and his dad. Making it seem like I am mean now my husbands family is saying that I am mean to the kid becasue I don't give him the attention I used to before my daughter was born. I try to tell them that she is my first baby and I give her attention because she's a baby. And he has a mom to give him the attention he needs. does he really need my undivided attention like the baby does? THey say yes I say no. Are they right and I;m wrong. Besides that he is only here with us on weekends and everyone is having a fit because he has to share a room with his sister and her side is decorated and his is plain because he doesn't know what he want. This kid cause problems for us so bad that children services were involve. the case was closed but they could've taken my daughter from me

Answer 1

1) Get aluminum baseball bat
2) Advance menacingly
3) Hit as neccessary

He'll calm right down.

Answer 2

Make sure you find some time to give to him because he has been hit with a double whammy, a new baby at both houses. But he does not need undivided attention as they suggest, you have a newborn and common sense says that a child that can't fend for itself is going to need more of your attention in the beginning. He is probably upset because he is playing second fiddle in both houses right now, but there really is nothing you can do about that. Just decorate his side of the room with what you want if he can't decide, afterall the baby didn't get to choose her decorations either. Hope everything works out for you, and maybe his dad can spend a little more time with him one on one if you are busy with the baby. Everybody should be helping you with the situation instead of trying to blame you. Your daughter is your first child and of course things feel different, as they should, this is your first time actually having a baby, and anybody who tells you different is just telling you what sounds good, but is not factual. Good Luck!!

Answer 3

I understand where you're coming from but ,a child is going to be a child .Your step son is wanting that attention from you and him being a child ,the only way he feels that he can get your attention is by acting out .Your step son needs the same amount of love that you give to your Daugther.You don't realize it but you put him in a separate category from your Daugther by telling your family "she's my first baby and she needs that attention because she's a baby".Lady he's only 11 years old he was the first baby as far as he's concerned.You don't have to tell him what you told your family because he sees it . Kids are smart!Now he's thinking OK mommy had a baby so i can't get it from her maybe you can give him that extra attention he needs .Instead he's pushed aside.Surprise him and decorate his room , so what if he's only there for the weekends he's still apart of the family.He needs one on one time with you and his dad and then with his sister.This is a shock wave for him and you all have to be patient with him.He needs his own room because he feels like he's intruding rather than being home.Don't get upset at him for having the services involved HE'S A CHILD!!!I'm not snapping at you but I'm being the voice for him and what he can't say.Try involving him allowing him to help around so he can have a bound with you and his sister.And try not to use step because that brings division .Either he's your son or he's not , that could bring resentment and hatred in your family that you don't want.You say he has a mom to give him the attention that he needs but he also has and need you he needs that attention from all of you.

Answer 4

Well, first of all when you married your husband you knew he had a child and that gives you no right to treat him poorly..it's not his fault. Not saying you do treat him poorly I'm just saying. So you guys have a baby and that's great but don't turn around and be like that to your husbands kid because you have your own child now. No you shouldn't give him all your attention but you need not to ignore him or really pay no attention to him because you have a baby. That's not fair to him..and once again it's not his fault that his parents are divorces and you guys had another baby. As far as the room..you should decorate and put stuff up to make him feel welcome. That's his father and partly his fathers home and he should be welcomed as if he was your own flesh and blood. Don't exclude him because he isn't your biological child..just remember he is a child and you an adult..and you knew when you married your husband that he had a child. Don't be an evil step mother. Try to think of how that little boy feels. Put yourself in his shoes.

Answer 5

These issues are deep rooted way beyond simply having a new sibling. With divorce and then new marraiges, the child has been put through a lot of emotional termoil that children do not know how to deal with. They don't feel it in the same way we do, and they don't know how to deal with it. They don't even know what they are dealing with. Therapy is most likely the best solution in this case, for all of you.

The other thing is that the older siblings need to feel a part of the new baby, that means allowing them to hold the baby and help to take care of it. My husband and I were both older siblings that were spread apart by many years, and the difference between our relationships with our younger siblings is marked by this. He was not allowed to take part in his new baby sisters, but I was allowed to do everything with my little sis. She and I are close now, we even live in the same neighborhood and help with eachothers children.

It also sounds like he is being treated unfairly. Help him decide how to decorate his side of the room, and spend special time with him. Get to know him and take interest in what he cares about. Don't get into silly matches about who needs more attention. Be a family together with him when he is around. He loves his new sister, and knows that you do not love him the same. At least try to make him feel a part of the situation. Try to love him for who he is, and he will cause you a lot less greif in the coming years.

Answer 6

That poor boy. He probably feels like he's been replaced by both of his new sisters. You have to give a baby a certain amount of attention because they are newborns, but your other children still need attention from you. Even if they are step children and you only have them on the weekends. From the tone of your question it doesn't sound like you like your step son very much. Do you think that maybe he has picked up on this too and that may be part of the reason he causes so much trouble for you?

Answer 7

while I do agree with you that the baby does need more attention than your step-son, from the sounds of it, you don't really pay any attention to him and that is sad... he's an 11 year old little boy that needs attention from all his parents, even his step parents especially since you only get him on the weekends.. you guys should plan some alone time with him on things you can't include your daughter in because of her age...granted the baby does need more attention, but you should definitely make an effort to include him into your family.. it does sound like you are singling him out..and that's a hard thing for a little boy

Answer 8

Don't play favorites between your stepson and your daughter.

He's your son. If you had a blood son (natural son) his age, would you neglect him now because you have a new baby?

I would hope not.

And your answer, "he's got a mother, let her give him attention" is pure garbage.

That's your HUSBANDS natural child, you joined a family which was already made, I hope you knew that you would become a mother to the boy he already had.

How selfish and childish of you.

The boy will grow to resent you as he ages into an adult, may become abusive toward your baby daughter just because he is jealous.

Nurture them both, you are a part of the boy's life even if you don't feel like it right now.

Answer 9

hes eleven and yes he needs attention as well. When you married his father you signed on to be a stepmother for that boy. Your own child now does not change the fact that you are a stepmother to him. Of course he has his own mother, but when he is with you he needs to feel loved and wanted as well. About sharing a room, tell everybody "oh well" have his dad take him out to buy some things to decorate his side with. make an effort to understand his feelings, especially with 2 new babies in his life, it has got to be quite hard for him.

Answer 10

I understand that you are really attached to your daughter but maybe when he comes on the week you could have an inlaw babysit her so you and your husband can spend time with him. He probably is jealous because he see his own mom spending more time with his sister at home and then have to come to his dads house and see it too really bugs him. Or you could have hime bring a friend or cousin with him so they can play. Either way theres always a solution. Also can you guys find a three bedroom because he's getting older and I'm pretty sure he wants his own space.

Answer 11

the kid feels deserted by both of his parents. they both went off and started new familed of thier own and keft him behind.......he is jealous and scared.
Try setting some alone time up with him and no baby...I know it's going to be hard but surely a trusted relative can handle your new baby for a few hours so you can make him feel special again. Don't wait for him to start decorating. get online with him and guide him towards some choices and let him make the final choices.
this boy also sneeds some counseling to work out his issues...... but you must make him feel wanted at home.
Also, be careful of him alone with the baby. He may not know how to properly control his anger and anythig could happen.