What if you told your parents that you were molested and they took the other persons side?

Question

I am 32 and when i was 18 i charged my cousins husband with sexual assault. At the time my mom took my cousins side and my dad did nothing. i still charged him and hid my anger. since then i have been told "he wasnt a real pedophile cuz he only did it to me" and that he didnt do much and that he paid his dues by being suspended from his job and not being able to go to the states. all this from my mom. should i talk to them now that im finally dealing or should i cut them off?

Answer 1

Sorry you're going through this. It's more common than you might think: A family is so desperate to seem normal that in a painful situation like this, they ignore the one who was hurt the most (the victim).

What is it you'd like to say to your parents/family? I'm guessing that one thing you'd like to ask them about is why they defended the person who committed the crime, rather than the victim (you). Corollary questions would be "Why didn't you defend me?"

You need to get on with your life, because being bitter about this will really eat at you. So you do need to "get closure," as some say, on this matter. You should decide what to do based on how your parents respond, but I wouldn't expect anything dramatic. People who protect pedophiles are pretty disturbed, and if you don't already see huge signs of them changing, they probably haven't (and won't).

So you sit down and ask them your questions. If they apologize, that's a good sign. But don't ask them for an apology--you want their responses to come from their hearts. Indeed, don't ask them for anything--just say, "I wonder what you think about all this now that 14 years have passed" (for instance).

If they say something conciliatory or apologetic, that's a good sign, one that might encourage you to continue to speak with them cautiously, over time. If they don't apologize, or become angry, defensive, or say (this is typical) "There is nothing to apologize for," then you know you must separate yourself from them, because they are still deluded and dangerous, thinking it's okay to hand children over to sexual predators. In your mind, I suggest that you visualize yourself tearing up their parent cards.

Then what? I don't recommend any unkindness on your part towards them. What's the point? Why tangle with such ugliness, chancing that you will be contaminated by their sickness? I would go away quietly, maintaining a dignified upper hand. But you must forgive them in your heart, for your own peace of mind. This doesn't mean saying what they did was okay, it means that you accept that there is evil in the world, and sometimes it is at your backdoor, but now you've swept it away and you are going to enjoy the back porch.

It might help for you to involve yourself in some sort of charitable service with children (or adults) where you can advocate for them, and show them the mercy you were denied. This is very healing. If you have a relationship with God, pray to have the emotions and pain of these past events removed.

A couple more points that may be more or less obvious: If you have children, don't let them be around your parents except briefly and fully supervised. And for the rest of your life, don't tolerate evil behavior. If you have a mate or other person whom you're aware is dealing dishonestly, disloyally, or abusing another, give them one warning and cut them off. A curious thing that happens to the psyches of people who've dealt with nastiness is that they oftentimes become more tolerant of evil behavior in others, saying to themselves, "well, their behavior is only a 3 out of 10, and I've had to deal with 10s. so it's no big deal." Don't succumb to this, but keep your life as peaceful and moral as you can (we're not perfect, but you know the difference between an accidental slip-up and deliberate naughtiness). Best wishes and peace always.

Answer 2

I would get some counseling. I am so sorry this happened to you. The same thing happened to my daughter, although she was only 6 when it happened. I believed her all the way, and it wouldn't have mattered if she was 6 or 18, I still would have believed her. I got her into counseling right away and she is doing great. You will confront/talk to your parents about it when you're ready to. If you're ready now, then by all means, talk to them. But be prepared to face the same kind of ignorance you did before. If after talking to them you feel it's better for you, YOU, not them, then step back and find your own family from your friends, significant others, etc. You'll find friends are often more loyal than true blood relatives. You can also contact any advocacy centers in your area for counseling help.
Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

What would you gain by cutting them off?

I suggest talking with them quietly and telling them, perhaps one more time, exactly what happened to you and how you felt when they failed to support you. Hope that it will go well, but be prepared for it to go badly. If it does go badly, hug and kiss them and then leave. It will just have to be one of those things that you disagree on. You'll still want them in your life.

The likelihood is that they tried to minimize what happened in order 1) to avoid facing a very ugly situation, and 2) to keep the whole extended family from being divided. It's a lousy excuse, but people do it all the time. I know this from experience.

By the way, congratulations on your courage in standing up for yourself at the age of 18. It must have been difficult. You'll get though this.

Answer 4

I am appalled that your parents are so closed to your horrible situation. I know they must come from the old school where folks never talk about sex and of the mind, even if a girl gets raped, "she deserved it". It comes from lack of education more than lack of compassion. Still, you'd be surprised to learn the number of folks who get a similar reaction from their family. It is so sad. I think you should consult with a therapist or someone who is professional to help you sort it all out. We all need support from family especially. However, if you don't find it, and it looks as if you won't. Don't let it destroy your life with bitterness. Maybe you can forgive them, and just move on and have as little contact with them as necessary. Good luck with your life and know that you are not alone dear.

Answer 5

I am an incest survivor myself. My mother's brother abused me for years when I was younger. I never told anyone because I was too afraid and too ashamed. When I was 15, I finally told my mom and she sent me to live with a cousin in another state while my uncle stayed in my house. I cannot express how much that hurt me. It wasn't till years later, that I was able to forgive my parents for shipping me out and leaving the SOB in the house. Today, I'm 35 years old and I have been completely healed from my past. I love my parents to no end and although I'll never understand why they did what they did, I hold no ill feelings towards them. I have forgiven them. My bond with my parents is strong because I chose to forgive and not hold on to grudges. I know it's not easy, but somehow, you need to talk to your mom and forgive her. Realize that she's human and maybe she just didn't know what to do and what to say. You can't change the past, but you can change your future. Don't let unforgiveness and resentment take root in your heart. Choose to forgive, heal and move on.

Answer 6

It's sad that your mother did not stand by your side. Molesting is a sickness and of course a crime. Some older generations like to hide the truth because it's family. Once a molester, always a molester. You will have to be O.K. with your mom because she is your mom, but as far as the cousin and her spouse, forget it! I would like tosuggest that you go to counseling because it will help you learn how to handle these difficult feelings and how to be a healthy young lady...sometimes childhood incidents come back to haunt us later in life and I'm sure you would not like that to happen. Best of luck my friend.

Answer 7

Hi C.J. Same thing happened to me 10 yrs ago. Not just my Mum but my 10 brothers and sisters as well. It tore me apart and I nearly gave up. After much soul searching and anguish, I cut all ties with them 2 yrs ago. My life is SO much better now. Be true to yourself.

Answer 8

Oh my god,....I am SO sorry. How disgusting...:/ Okay, I think you should talk to your brother first. Because he loves you..If his friend touched you..I think he'd back you up on that. Then tell your parents, but if they dismiss it, tell your therapist. Seriously? Raped 3 times..they don't care? God Hun, that's horrible. I really hope this works out...< 3

Answer 9

I wouldnt have anything to do with anyone who discounted my abuse, family or not.