I was raped, now I'm in a new relationship and I don't know how to act.?

Question

The guy that I started seeing, knows about the rape. I've told him not in alot of detail, but mentioned that I have nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks now. He has been very good about giving me space and not trying to kiss me or anything. We've been seeing each other quite a bit the past month, so I know that he will try soon. Sometimes I want him to, other times the thought of even holding his hand or hugging him terrifies me. I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to handle this? I don't want him to try to kiss me and me go into a panic attack and lock myself in the bathroom for hours

Answer 1

It was so hard for me to allow a male to get close to me, my father to give me fatherly hugs, my brothers to give me brotherly nudges. And then when it came to relationships with guys, I always shut down. I had a lot of anger for the guy that raped me. He was a friend of the family, my parent's best friend's son. I had to pray and give my anger and fear to God. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was suffocating! I hated myself and I hated him more. After finding someone who understood and did not force ANYTHING and allowed me to set the pace. It sounds like you may have a guy like I met. Take your time. It's ok to take it slow. It looks like your new friend has the patience to wait for you. I agree with Kyle above...you take control until you feel comfortable. Each time won't always be perfect, but eventually it will get better. Also, in the mean time, counseling always helps!!

Answer 2

The previous answers that suggested professional assistance were pretty much correct, and also correct in saying that it is NOT YOUR FAULT that you - or your boyfriend - will find it difficult to deal with this by yourselves. Folk aren't expected to deal with what you have had to deal with and simply feel 'ok' afterwards; what you are experiencing (the panic etc) is something that people in similar situations also experience. The panic can, however, with treatment be settled down.

Talk to your doctor and/or look for a good therapist. Given that the reactions you are experiencing come from your body to a greater degree than 'your mind' you might want to talk to a therapist about using what are known as 'energy' techniques such as EFT or EMDR, and perhaps some anxietly reducing techniques at the same time. There are also support groups who aren't interested in 'getting revenge on men' but simply helping you 'get back on track'.

That you are asking the question is a good sign that you are aware of what is happening, and that you want to do something about it for your own sake and for the sake of your relationship. That sort of insight and committment should offer good prospects of getting through this with - as we've said - a little professional assistance.

Answer 3

I suggest you seek professional counseling. This issue is obviously one you cannot overcome by yourself. Rape victims can have nightmares and other emotional problems through life if they do not understand the trauma or the reason of the trauma. A professional counselor can help you learn to deal with this issue. In the mean time, you have to be open and honest with your current bf and any future relationship. Simply explain your feelings and why. A good man will understand, stay with you and help you through the ordeal. But if you fail to seek professional help, even a good man has his limits. You have to want to get better and a good man will realize this if you seek that help.

Answer 4

Sounds like you got a very classy boyfriend. Its pretty hard for a girl to find a good guy now a days. Just take your time and let him no when your ready. If hes serious about you it won't matter. I hung out with my wife as friends for two months before I even kissed her. Now we've been together for 8 years..anyways back to your situation..Let him know that you feel like you need to be in control.. if your in control then everything is your choice, but don't take it to far unless your ready this will just cause frustration between you and him. I'm not going to pretend I know how your feeling because that's impossible, but I'm sure he understands that he needs to gain your trust and its perfectly natural for you to be cautious in this type of situation. The main thing is communication let him know always how your feeling and if hes doing anything to make you feel uncomfortable. It seems ridiculous and everyone always says it, but talking and getting your feelings of your chest always helps. Let him be your crutch through your time of need. In time things will get better. I hope this advice will help you out.

~Jayson

Answer 5

He sound like he's understanding, so you should just sit down with him when you feel ready, and you be in control. You kiss him, not the other way around. Only go as far as you feel comfortable with, and make sure he understands not to try to take you any further until you are ready. In time I would imagine you will become more comfortable with it, and you can advance the relationship in your own time, so that it only happens when you feel its ok.

~Kyle

Answer 6

You need professional help. I'm not saying that to put you down, but just to suggest that you need someone who can help you deal with the trauma. Your new friend isn't equipped to do that, and you may not be ready to be in a relationship where physical intimacy is a possibility.

Answer 7

I was raped 10 years ago when I was 16. It was my first sexual experience. It's still hard for me to be affectionate at times. I fall in love quickly, but don't want to be touched sometimes. I hope that you will be ok. Pray about it.........that always helps!

Answer 8

Here is an idea. How bout you get help before you commit to a relationship and **** up his life because of a sad unfortunate event that I wouldn't wish on any one.