question regarding my gf`s son?

Question

Ok basically he is 13, he has some friends that she would rather he not hang around with. She feels they dont have respect for other peoples stuff or people in general, swear alot and one of em turned up drunk at the house one day etc. So up till now she has banned him from hanging out with them when not at school. However all his friends hang out at the same place so this means basically that he cant see them either as these kids are also there. He is also shy at making new friends so its not like you can tell him to go find new friends away from that circle of friends.Shes afriad these kids that she percieves as bad may lead him astray as peer pressure may get to him. However he is really down and he is starting to feel resentfull towards his mum as this ban stops him seeing his other mates too. He feels he should be given chance to show he is reliable etc and wont do anything wrong. So do you think this ban should continue or is she being over protecitve??????

Answer 1

A difficult one, given all the facts you list.
Probably the best thing she can do is allow him some social life with his friends, on the proviso that at the very first sign of trouble he will have to drop them. They don't sound very desirable, but perhaps he will have the judgement to steer clear of any stupid ideas they may have, and definitely to leave the group if they start getting drunk.
I think a probabation period could be agreed, as long as he is on his guard against stupid things happening.

Answer 2

i'm a mom. i have a 12 year old, 17 year old twins, and a 22 year old. if any of my kids, at that age, had a "friend" that came over drunk....
hell yeah ban him. he's already showing bad judgement. why would he choose to be around that? i believe that good kids hang out with bad kids because they are insecure. they like seeing others do what they are scared or emabarrassed to do. the sad part is, one is going to influence the other eventually.
who do you think that will be?
i don't think mom is being too "overprotective". because she loves her son and wants him to be safe? i'm not saying lock him in the house. granted he's shy, enroll him in karate or pop warner or little league. put him in places and situations that will help to build his self confidence so that mom can be assured that her son is comfortable and secure in himself, that peer pressure is not an issue. help him to have a strong mind and a mind of his own. if he were already at that point, nobody would come to his house and disrespect it by being drunk or using foul language.
i find it hard to believe, how many people are willing to give him another chance, give him a week to prove himself.
give him another chance to what? find more undesirables. it was stated he's shy so one can gather he'll continue to hang with the same people. "give him a week". hmmm. that's a good one. mom has pulled the plug on him and his current "friends". all of a sudden, he gets to get back into the mix. imagine the conversation. do ya think there could be more pressure put on him to be more like them? to "prove" himself? to show that he's not a little kid?
i do believe that if mom is taking something that he feels is important to him, it is her responsibility to give him something back. not necessarily the same thing she took either. give him some choices.

Answer 3

Sounds like the ban is not only over-protective but also could become counter-productive. A lad of that age needs to have friends of his own and start to grow as a person away from his parents influence so he can develop his own identity. If she doesn't allow him this, it is very likely at some point he will rebel and the very behaviour she is hoping he will avoid getting into will much more likely come to pass. Can she not set some very clear boundaries and guidelines and reach a compromise with him so that he can join his friends for limited periods of time and therefore start to demonstrate that he is worthy of her trust. He would need to have a very, very clear understanding of what the consequences would be if he did get into any trouble. You sound like you are probably a good influence on the situation and this boy, so good luck to you.

Answer 4

I think she should give him a chance to make his own choices. As long as she explains the consequences to good and bad choices, he'll be okay. She can't protect him forever. I believe the best a parent can do is INFORM each child so that they can learn how to handle situations that comes along in life. I trusted my son, he's now nineteen and a good kid, works full time and attends college full time. He has never smoked or did drugs (or at least that I'm aware of). He does go to college drinking parties. But I continue to educate him on different situations that may come along in life. My daughter is almost 13 and now starting to "grow up". It's scary but I'll trust her too because I want her to be able to make and be responsible for own choices. If you hold them back, they'll never learn how to deal with all situations. P.S. recently my son was caught under age drinking with his friends at a party. The way I handled it was I stood by him and went with him to the court hearing but he is making payments for the $385 fine. This way, he will be less likely to do this again. I believe when a parent does not let the child learn their lesson the first time, the parent just enables the child to mess up again. They need to learn to be responsible for their own actions.
GOOD LUCK!

Answer 5

I say mother knows best! He didn't show the best judgment the first time around by hanging out with such a horrible crowd..and what makes you think his other friends are any better? Usually the kids who have the hard time finding friends..are usually the ones influenced by peer pressure the most. I mean he is only 13 and your girl friend is right...if he wants to hang out with the decent half of the group he should do it somewhere else..if they don't want to join him somewhere else..are they really friends anywayss??? I mean let's be realistic..13 years old showing up drunk..I'd reacct the same way she did! Sorry but I have to agree with her on this one!

Answer 6

I think at 13 years old, he should be out enjoying himself but not doing anything which could potentially get him into trouble at such a young age. I can understand her being protective but he is growing up and if she doesnt give him the chance to prove himself to her then their relationship is never going to get any better. I think she should back off a little bit and let him prove that he can behave himself with his friends. If there is any sign of trouble then she can then stop him from hanging around with these friends. He then cant accuse her of not giving him the chance. She is alienating him from his friends and thats only something he is going to resent later on. She cant wrap him in cotton wool forever. Good luck!

Answer 7

Well with the kids being drunk at the age of 13 I can see where she is coming from, He should explain to his mom that he has no intrest in being like them in that way but doesn't want to have to lose there friendships that are great besides the drinking.Set up a time where they can come over well you guys are home so they can hang out so she can get to know them so she is less afraid about her son going out with them.Talk to him about the dangers of drinking,but most of all listen to what he is saying.

Answer 8

how is this 13 year old supposed to find out that you are who you hang out with? and that these 'mates' are not the best people to hang with?
i agree, this is an impressionable age and you want him to be impressed upon by adults. but he's a KID. let him learn his lessons on his own.
better now than when he's 22 and out of your home. then you would be like " i raised him right. why did he go astray? where did i go wrong? ". and you would put it all on yourself, end up with ulcers and acid reflux. why put yourself thru that if you don't need to?

Answer 9

If he actually communicated to his mom that he wants a chance to prove he can be reliable, I sincerely think she should trust him and let him know it's not HIM she is worried about; it's THEM.

Kids get rebellious when they think their parents don't trust them or believe them anymore. If they know they are loved and trusted, they will do their BEST to hang onto that love. Sometimes bad things happen. He needs to know that if he's in a mall and one of the boneheads steals something - he should high-tail it as far away from the stupid little shop-lifter as possible.

Tell him there's nothing wrong with getting away from trouble AND with telling his buddies, "I'm NOT hanging around if you're gonna act like idiots! I'm NOT interested in smoking because it makes me barf! I'm not gonna do something stupid and end up getting the cops chasing me! I'm NOT into getting wasted because with my luck I'M the one who will get in trouble or fall off the top of a building or something bizarre like that!"

Invite the bonehead friends over for hotdogs and movie or video game night and get to know them a bit, for HIS sake. Tell them you'll respect THEM if they treat you and your gf with respect. Show your gf's boy that you're giving them a chance and I'll guarantee, if they blow it, he'll be ticked off with them big time.

Also, perhaps you could get him interested in sports or digital photography or music or martial arts. These activities have groups of kids who are serious about their discipline and he would meet new and more responsible friends. Don't MAKE him go, because he'll rebel. Maybe take him to a school sports event or a martial arts class and ask him if that's something he'd like to get into.

He sounds like a good boy. Don't forget to remind him he is. LOL He's lucky to have you as his mom's boyfriend. You obviously care.

I hope these suggestions help. Good luck.

Answer 10

,, no I don't believe she is being too over protective,, she is being a good mom or mum in your words, 13 is a very impressionable age,the kids hes hanging out with WILL get him into future trouble,, as hard as it might be for him to make new friends , these friends are bad for him. maybe mum could get him into some sports or another activity he might enjoy and hopefully he will meet a new {better } crowd to hang out with... good luck, mum is lucky to have someone on her side at this time