OK, I've made a major mistake. How do I fix it now?

Question

I had my first child (who is almost 6 now) at a really young age. I sacrificed a lot to give her the time she need with me at that time. She was doing great and blooming. However, after my 2nd was born, 3 years ago (when my first was 2 1/2 years old), her personality started to fall apart. I didn't have the maturity to really understand the major shift in her life from being only child to "another child" until now. It must have been very hard for her to adjust to that change. She had all the attention in the world from me then suddenly came this little baby. I feel like I should have been more sensitive to her feelings at the time because I believe her unacceptable behaviour now has a big connection to that shift of role in her life. She doesn't feel remorse against her little brother but she really misbehaves and seems to thrive on it, (unfortunately). I feel guilty about it now and wonder how on Earth I can reverse those affects and help her be more motivated to do good.

I feel like I've wasted so much of her time while I was trying to figure it all out. I can't reverse the clock but I don't want this negative personality to become steady and set in her character. I want her to be a happy kid, unlike the grumpy attitude I see now. She's so careless now with her work and I wish I could change that. I had such an awsome childhood and I wish I could give her the same ( well whatever is left of it now...)

What I'm asking is how can I bring back her self-esteem (which to me is lacking right now thus the attention seeking behaviour). I feel that once that is triggered, her good behaviour will become like second nature.


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Well, yes. I strongly feel that she still needs to be disciplined but the praising and the positive aspects should be emphisized.

Answer 1

It is really hard for a first born child to adjust to another sibling. She went from being the center of your world to having to share you. It sounds like she has not gotten over it. It’s not too late to get your little girl back. Stop beating yourself up about it. You were young. Children do not come with manuals. You did the best you could.

I agree that “Praising and the positive aspects should be emphasized.” There are two ways you can do this. For of all, don’t say “Good job” or reward with stickers, money, toys, or treats. If you do, she will turn into a praise and reward junkie. Saying "good job" is an extrinsic motivator. If you are a parent who says "good job," your daughter will only care what others think about her instead of caring what she thinks about herself. Instead, say things like “You did that by yourself! You did that so neatly! You worked on that for a long time! You must be so proud of yourself! Look how many colors you used on your painting! You can run super fast! You’re teacher must be so happy with you! You’ve made such nice friends!” These phrases are great confidence builders, great ways to show attention, and great ways to help her feel powerful. Also, notice her when she is not misbehaving. Spend some one on one time with her everyday. Read her a story, do an art project, have her help you with meals and things around the house. This will really help her to feel proud.

To discipline your daughter, always let the “punishment” fit the crime. You can do this by using logical consequences. Taking away a toy or privileges when your daughter misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if she throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If she spills her milk, she wipes it up. If she breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. If she damages something in the home, she does things around the house to pay for the damages.

Another technique you can try when she is misbehaving is this. As soon as she misbehaves, get down to her level and say "I don't like when you (explain what and why in very few words)." Take her gently by the hand and put her in a quiet spot in your home (her bedroom, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to (control yourself, be gentle, listen, behave, calm down) then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling her). She returns when she's ready to control herself. You may have to take her back to the spot a few times before she gets the message. Thank her when she behaves. Keep it up!

Empathize with her. Say things like “I can tell that you are feeling very (angry, upset, hurt, mad, frustrated). What can we do about that?” It will help her to better express herself.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Answer 2

Don't blame yourself! For all you know this could be something totally different! She could be disobedient for a completely different reason! You can't change the past no matter what. Make sure that she knows you love her and spend time reading with her, and playing with her and telling her how special she is now and that's all you can do for any kid! Even if she did feel neglected then, you can't go back in time, put it behind you, don't let it stress you out and don't let it ruin the relationship you could have with her from here on out!
As far as her misbehaving, kids need discipline and consistency. If you put her in the corner for throwing food on the floor, put her in the corner EVERY time she throws food on the floor. If what you said about emotionally neglecting her before is true then right now she might just want your attention, good or bad. But you can't be lenient with your discipline just because you feel guilty about the past. She needs consistency and then over time she'll learn! Use lots of positive praise too! When she cleans up or does something good, make sure you tell her good job and how helpful and appreciated she is.
Hang on there! They're not kids forever! Good Luck!

Answer 3

Gee, your question really made me sad for you.
You have not made a major mistake. Sounds like you have been bitten by the motherhood guilts! Its a common thing that affects us mothers, but good news, it is completely reversible!!!
First of all, as a mother of two girls, I can say that girls can be very manipulative. Seems like your daughter may have you just where she wants you. Is your guilt that you feel in regard to her affecting your parenting? Be honest now. Are you continually trying to make it up to her? This is very dangerous. She WILL (if she hasnt learnt already) manipulate you.
What you really should be doing, is congratulating yourself for getting through parenting two babies. Congratulating yourself for giving your daughter a sibling that she can be friends with forever (long after you and your husband are gone) and you havent subjected her to 'only child-dom'.
Really your focus needs to be on developing the relationship between your children. Encourage them to love and care for one another. You are assuming your daughter feels a certain way. The problems you are encountering in your daughter have little to do with her little brother, and everything to do with her age!
Star charts work great at this age. I would start giving stars for caring behaviour.
You sound smart, I dont think you need advice on how to parent. It sounds as though you have that one under control. It sounds though as if the balance of power is firmly in the hands of your daughter. All children with siblings have to go through an adjustment, and I think you should stop beating yourself up about it. I think you probally handled it a lot better than you think!
Every time these 'guilts' plague you, I think you need to tell yourself "No. I am a good mother. My children have been cared for, loved and nurtured to the best of my ability. My parenting is good." These guilts are eating you up! Spend some time with lots of other mums. Share your feelings. This is very common.
Please believe me, this guilt will get you nowhere. Do not give it a place in your life!
Sounds like you're sensitive to the needs of your daughter. Please get some help on this though. Take care

Answer 4

she just needs some 1 on 1 time with you and you need to verbally express to her how much you love her and show her when she does good praise her with the thankyou for doing a wonderful job if she is overweight you and her can join a gym together to help her with self esteem let her know that the new baby didnt take her place and no can ever do that & that you love them the same gl

Answer 5

I have a six-year-old daughter myself and she does not have a younger sibling. However, her behavior resembles your daughter's behavior. Talk to your pediatrician about how much of what she's doing is normal for her age. All kids go through stages and she could just be going through a difficult one. Continue to praise her and give her positive attention and she'll eventually come around. As my mother always said, "This, too, shall pass."

Answer 6

its not too late, she is still very young and impressionable. When she does something that is unacceptable you need to set her straight, and in a firm tone, so she knows you are not kidding. Dont yell and dont make threats. Simple words like "THAT IS NOT OK AND I WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT BEHAVIOR" should work. You need to re-gain power in this relationship, you are the mother and she needs to obey your rules. She also needs to realize that this is her sibling and it is in no way ok to teat it badly.

Answer 7

Be consistently firm and reward good behavior. Re enforce and repeat. Set a good example. Don't do what you will prohibit your kid from doing later. Have a moral compass, and use it. Teach them all kindly, don't single one out. HUGS!

Answer 8

All children must deal with a sibling. You just must be firm and consistant in what you do from now on