I don't want kids, but my mom wants to be a grandma and I'm an only child... help?

Question

My mother asked me if I wanted children and I replied, "Maybe." My partner and I don't want children, but I wanted to see what her reaction was without upsetting her.

She started talking about different ways to have children (adoption, sperm bank, etc etc) and mentioned how no one's life is complete without having a child. She also said that she really wants to be a grandmother. I'm her only child, so therefore the 'grandkids' burden is placed on me.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel terribly guilty, like I'm making her miss out on an important stage in life. How should I deal with this? It's bothering me so much that I'm considering toughing it up and having a kid, despite knowing that I didn't want to raise a family since I was a teenager. Please give any advice that may help...

Answer 1

I am not a only child but I am the youngest. I am 45 years old and never wanted children as you don't. I love kids alot, but just didn't ever want to have any. I have lost both of my parents, my Mom just recently. My parents had grandchildren from my other siblings, but my nieces and nephews treated my Mom like a piece of you know what. My Mom was glad I never had children thank goodness. Sometimes I would ask my Mom what I will do when I get old and have no one to come and see me or help me in any sort of way. My Mom had the best answer that could have been given. She said, just because someone has kids, doesn't mean any of them will help take care of you or come to see you. That is so true. I took care of my Mom for the last nearly 6 years of her life and my brother and sister-in-law only came by our house to see us about once every 3 months. Sometimes it was longer than that. My sister never came around unless she wanted something. Just tell your Mom that you and your husband both agreed before marriage that neither one of you wanted children. It is best to just tell her and get it over with. She may be hurt or angry, but it will pass. It is your life with your husband and your husband is your family. Do not under any circumstances have a child you don't want in the first place just to please your Mom or anyone else. It would make things alot worse on you and your husband. Plus it wouldn't be fair to the child either. I also knew at a very early age that I didn't want children. I love kids, but I want the ones I can keep for a while and send back home to their own parents. LOL Just tell your Mom and get it over with. Get the burden off of your shoulders and you will feel better. Good luck.

Answer 2

She doesnt have the right to have that expectation from you just because she wants to be a grandma - tell her there are lots of kids at big brothers big sisters that would love to have an older adult spend time with them on a regular basis.

You feel guilty about making your mom miss out on an important stage of her life? To what lengh are you willing to go to make her happy? giving up 20 years of your life just to make someone else happy seems more like a sentence. And its the TOTALLY wrong reason to have a child in the first place!

She is wrong about not being able to have a complete life without children. Dont let her make a life long decision for you that you will have to be responsible for....

Answer 3

Don't have a child just because your mother wants you to. I understand, my grandmother wants me to have a baby soon, because she wants to have a great grandchild before she dies. However, I am not ready to have children at this stage in my life, and I feel it would be wrong for me to have a child just because she wants me to. Sit down with your mother and explain to her that you do not plan on having children, and it is your choice. Not hers. Tell her if she wants to be a grandmother so badly, that there are plenty of children out there who would love to have a "grandmother" like her. For instance, she could mentor a child with the boys/girls...explain to her that there are many children who come from broken homes that need her love. Emphasize to her again, that you are not having children and that it is your choice. She may not like your answer at first, but I think in time she will accept the fact that you will not have children.

Answer 4

Yeah, both I and my wife are only children and we got the same thing for years and years, "we want grandchildren, we want grandchildren!" Well it's our lives, me and my wife didn't want to have children and that's what we told our respective in-laws. "It's our life (lives)." Eventually the pressure got so great from my mother-in-law, I called her up one day and told her that while I understand she wants grandchildren, she was really upsetting my wife and she should be happy she has a wonderful daughter (at least I think she's wonderful), but the pressure she was putting on my wife was bordering on emotional blackmail. A deadly silence ensued, but having made my point, I hung up the phone, I know it was rude, but there you are. My wife is and was always what I call fragille both physically and emotionally and I respected her wishes. I've had a happy life with a wonderful woman and I suspect my wife has become happier over the years. That's good enough for me. (I still get dirty looks from my mother-in-law, bless her heart).

Answer 5

You may not want kids now. But down the road, we start to change. You may want one or two.
I got cured when I worked at this elementary school. I started hating kids. I thought most of them mean and abnoxios. Remember it is your decision. Not your mothers. Your the one will be making all the sacrifices for that child. If your not ready, don't do it. I don't feel bad because I didn't have children. And the desire left me. Who cares anyway! Your not a bad person, honestly. Good luck!

Answer 6

Don't have kids just to please your mother. Let her know how you feel about not having any. Be upfront about it. It is your life. Don't ever do things to make others happy. Otherwise, later on, you may resent your mother for having your children!
The only way to get through this is to tell your mom how you feel about not wanting children. And she is just going to have to except it. You shouldn't have to feel guilty. And no burdens should be placed on you just because you're the only child. When you have children, you have them because you want them, not because you felt guilty about not making our parents grandparents.
I have 3 kids. But it's because I wanted them.
Good luck.

Answer 7

If you have a child for that reason,it's a big mistake. I totally understand her feelings, but now it's your life and money thats involved. Just to make Mom happy you will have to go through an awful lot of trouble and expense. Not to mention how hubby may resent your mom later.
Don't do it if you don't want to.

Answer 8

This is your life. I know that you feel that you have to make your mom happy all the presure being on you; but I think that it is the wrong way to go. Having a child is a life chaning event!! you don't just wake up and do this especially to please someone else. And what about the parents. Take you time it will all come soon enough

Answer 9

Suck it up and tell Mom that you do not want kids. You can soften the blow by adding at least not now. But if you do, you will just have to face that she will never stop until you tell her the truth.
Not EVERYONE should have children. They are a great responsibility. Please do not have children unless YOU want them. It is not fair to the child.

Answer 10

we don't always get what we want, my daughter does have a child that I know about, but I have never met him, she has issues with me, my only other child died 16 years ago, so I will very very likely never have grandchildren who know about me, I am having to be content with having neices and nephews and grandneices and grandnephews, as my sisters children have families. We don't always get what we want.