is this okay to do?

Question

i have a good relationship and an awesome bf.we have been datig on and off-mostly on -for over 16 months, go to the same university and spend as much time together as we can.well, i made a bet with my bf and him with me.i know that it is wrong but i had to do it in order to figure out if he is with me for me or with me for the sexual life. the deal is that i am not to come over to his place, no sex, no make out, no kissing, no blow jobs for him, no showers together, for one week. whoever loses will give up sex for 40 days for easter and i want him to lose really bad! shouldnt a relationship be more than just sex and more sex and that sort of stuff?also, at times i feel as though i dont know why i am with my bf anymore. he says one thing a minute, another the next, tells me that how after we both graduate from college we are going our separate ways and how he goes his way and me my way. it seems as tough he loves me but not that bad to date me while i am working on another degree!help

Answer 1

Somebody recently remarked to me that these days young people treat sex as if it were a sport rather than as if it were part of a very special relationship. If you were someone who were able to treat sex as a sport then it would probably fine to throw in your bet and fine that your boyfriend talks about going your own ways later on.

You obviously cannot treat it as a sport because now you have the question about whether you're just handy entertainment for him while he's in school or whether there's more. That's exactly why people of generations previous to yours often thought people should hold off on sex until they were sure the relationship was a really solid, special, and meaningful one. The problem is whether its teenage boys or college aged young men sex is a major thing for them, and they want to get it with whoever they can get it with.
As you've noticed, once sex becomes the focus of a relationship not only can it make you wonder if there's more to the relationship, but it can also stop the progress of a relationship's moving into a more solid and meaningful stage. Most of the time after a few months of sex all the time a young woman is going to start to be wondering about whether there's more to the relationship than that.

If you're ok with treating sex as a sport then the bet is fine. People bet in sports all the time. If you're feeling unsettled at this point because now he's talking about going separate ways after graduation then maybe instead of masking your feelings with a bet you could simply tell him what's going on with your feelings.

I don't think you should stop making out, but I think you should talk to him about how you're feeling. Tell him you're starting to feel that you're kind of uncomfortable with how fast things have gone in the sex department (or how much of a priority it has become). You could tell him that you want to dial it back. He'll either understand (and if he really cares enough about you and respects you he will) or he won't (in which case it could hurt the relationship you have, but do you want to hang onto a relationship that is about nothing but sex?).

You may want to tell him you don't want to go to his place - plain and simple. He has to understand that too. If you want to dial it back on the sex thing that, of course, makes sense.

It is very possible he cares about you in his own way, but if he's talking about separate ways he isn't thinking about the long haul with you. I hate to say this, but in addition to his like you as a person there's the chance he is particularly appreciative of the sexual relationship you offer.

There are times when even married people may decide to hold off on sex for one reason or another, so it isn't as if nobody could ever possibly decide to hold off on sex.

The point is you should just be honest about what you want to do and why. If you can't do that it clearly means you don't have the right degree of emotional intimacy in the relationship. For all the talk that is "out there" these days about how women and men are "the same" when it comes to sex, the reality is that while women, of course, have their own sex drive they are NOT the same as guys when it comes to sex - they always end up wondering if sex is the only thing to the relationship.

I don't think you should turn your relationship and communications into a whole "do you love me" type of back and forth. Just explain that you're feeling a little uncomfortable with the amount of sex and simply state you'd like to slow things down a little. Even if you slowed things down to where there was romantic-type sex once in a while it may make you feel a little better than what you have going on right now.

The important thing is that you are both on the same emotional page. Your boyfriend may think this is all fine with you - after all, its how things have become. He may have no idea that you are having a few concerns at this point. He'll probably more than understand if you want to slow things down a little. He probably cares about you, but if he really were "in love" with you he wouldn't be talking about separate ways after graduation.

Maybe what you ought to do when it comes to Easter is to see that as a time for Spring and renewal - and decide to have the type of relationship that is right for you and decide that future relationships will stay a little more romantic a little longer before you let the sex overshadow the romance and emotional aspects of it.

Finally, your remark that you don't know why you're with him anymore says you have some serious reservations about what is going on. If you let something that is making you question yourself and the relationship go on too long it will eventually begin to erode your self-confidence in ways that are hard to describe. How you handle this situation you have now could make the difference between regaining your sense of control or else feeling things just aren't in your control.

Good luck. Don't play games. Just have honest communication. If you don't like how things are right now tell him your terms, and then its up to him....

Answer 2

Seems that both of you are not sincere and faithful to each other. Your relationship is live only for lust which is common at your age and the lust what you have been going into, needs to be controled at your age. Else you will only feel used. Imagine your future life. If you were put in a situation of offering the same body to a new person you marry?

Ah!.. all these apply to you if you are an Indian.

Answer 3

He really doesn't seem that into you. So don't sweat it and move on, he will if he finds something better. I hate to say it but you must be nice to have around but that's all it is a bootie call.

And he probably doesn't want you to go to his place that way he has more freedom to play around.

He's giving you all the signals he not serious. Your just not picking up on it.

Don't kill the messenger!

Al

Answer 4

This is very strange. You bet him that you can get by with no sex for a week in order to have no sex for seven weeks. Thats a message to him that you don't have a lot of interest in having sex with him.
If I were him, I would look for a woman who is interested in having sex within a relationship.

Answer 5

Do what you will do while ANY pal comes over, carry out and communicate or play video games or bypass do any of the thousand different issues friends do. you at the instant are not getting married, no would desire to make this a production of any type.

Answer 6

IT NOT A GOOD THING TO DO. IF THIS WAS A PROBLEM FOR YOU THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE TALK TO HIM IN THE
BEGINNING. YOU BEEN TOGETHER FOR 16 MONTHS TO
START PLAYING GAMES NOW IS NOT GOOD. BUT IF YOU
ARE HAVING PROBLEMS THEN MAYBE THIS IS THE BEST
THING TO DO. TO FIGURE OUT WHAT REALLY GOING ON
WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP. IF IT WORTH SAVING.

Answer 7

he'll feel different after youve gone "seperate ways" absence makes the heart grow fonder. its easy to say but lonely when it happens i wouldt be too worried it sounds like you have a strong relationship