How can I stop my mother-in-law from talking about my husband's first wife?

Question

My husband's first wife died 14 years ago and we spend holidays with her family for the sake of their two children. Her mother turns every Thanksgiving into a memorial service for her daughter. I feel obligated to let the children be there for the holidays and if my husband and I choose not to attend, our family will have to spend every holiday apart. She is 75 years old and has many wonderful qualities. I would just like her to stop opening old wounds and live in the present instead of always rehashing the past. I am afraid of upsetting her and the entire family if I confront her about it. After all, I'm not even a family member. I have however raised her two grandchildren for the past dozen years. Her other children don't seem to mind but it is mildly uncomfortable to my husband and extremely uncomfortable for me. I feel like I am a cardboard stand in for her daughter. I feel like I don't even exist. The thought of 20 more years of this makes me insane. HELP!!!

Answer 1

Sorry but you made the bargin now you are stuck with it. The woman is 75 so how much longer are you going to have to put up with it anyway. You are not going to make a change here. At least you are not hated which could happen if you try to interfere. Your husband should have put a stop to this long ago but since he didnt' I don't think he will. You have to expect such things when you are the second wife. Not fair Not right but all too often true.

Answer 2

My MIL did the same thing. She constantly talked to my hubby's ex and told her everything we were doing. She wanted nothing to do with me because i had 4 kids from a previous marriage and his ex had his "real" kids. I was a little upset that she didn't want him with me but i ignored it and continued my relationship. We have now been together for 5 years and going strong. None of his relationships ever lasted more then 2 1/2 years. Now, his ex has ignored her for over a year, no pictures or anything, so she has reached out to me. She now hugs me and tells me to take care of her son and treats my kids like grandkids. Just let it go. Things will eventually work out.

Answer 3

Perhaps your husband should speak to her, seeing that he is closer 'family' than you. He could assure her in a very gentle and loving way that he will always carry the fond memories of his first wife with him for the rest of his life and that you are completely comfortable with that. [I hope you are?]
then he could ask her to back down for your sake. He must however be very honest and inform her of the effect this has on your relationship. He can perhaps point out that should she refuse to let go of the dead, you will seriously consider not attending these feasts anymore. [but that you would not like to, as you, I pray, want the children to spend time with their family also.]

But please pray earnestly before you do this. Ask God to change her heart and mindset so that she will come to acknowledge you for who you are and for the beautiful and willing
'sacrifice' [by lack of a better word] you make in raising her grandchildren so well!
I really pray that things will work out for you. Must say that I admire you for the way in which you are handling this right now!
You are a brave and wonderful person!
May God protect your marriage and your relationship with yur children and their family.

Answer 4

This is not going to be what you want to hear, but I have to say it anyway. If you don't want to attend your husbands late wife's family gatherings then don't but you have no right to expect this woman to pretend that her daughter never existed. Of course she is going to do everything she can to keep her daughters memory alive, this is not an "old wound" to her this is her child. You are being very selfish to expect a Mother to not bring up the children's Mother. She wants to make sure that her grandchildren never forget who their Mother is, and no one should even consider blaming her. I'm sure she is very thankful to you for raising her daughters children, but YOU have NO right to confront her about talking about her daughter, if you don't like it stay away from her. I think you should count your blessings that she treats you like part of HER FAMILY and you should be very ashamed of yourself for being jealous of a dead woman. If you have children of your own I pary nothing ever happens to any of them because you could very well act the same way this woman does if your put in her position. I'm assuming you've never lost a child so you have no idea what it's like. This woman has a void that no one can fill not even her serviving children. Remember children are supposed to bury their parents, parents don't expect to bury their children. I hope you can get over this and resume the relationship you've had with this woman, I'm sure that in ways you'll never know you are a comfort to her.
P.S. She's not your Mother in law. she's your husbands

Answer 5

The best thing to do would be to keep quite. Sorry.........
she is an old lady now and there would be no good come of complaining now.She wants her Grandchildren to know all about their Mother and I am sure she doesn't think you are being hurt after all you are his wife now.

Answer 6

Get over yourself.
How could you possibly be threatened by her dead daughter? The woman has suffered a big loss and if you are uncomfortable with that don't go. Just send her grandchildren.

Answer 7

Have your husband talk to her and ask her to stop doing this. It makes you uncomfortable and seems to bother him too. Granted -to her-you will always live in her shadow. 14 yrs is a long time and it needs to be put to rest.

Answer 8

she has not many years left, let her enjoy the memeory of her child once a year