Am I being too harsh?

Question

My fiance and I are getting married in the spring. Her oldest daughter is 13. She has been spoiled her whole life by her mother. She lives with her dad ever other week, and is respectful to him. When she is with us, she insults everybody, including her mother, 9 year old sister, myself and my friends and family. I finally got sick of the disrespect and laid down new rules: no TV, computer, phonecalls, friends outside of school, music, nothing unless we say they can. They can earn these luxuries back, but I won't be easy to please. Their mother was all for it the moment it happened, but after a sob session with the oldest, she thinks I'm being too harsh and wants to consult with the oldest's dad. It is our house. I live here too. I think it is fair to remove access to the things that I also pay for. I don't care what she wants to do to other people, but I will not let someone half my age bully me, and her mother should never have let this happen. Am I being unfair?

The younger child is becoming more like her sister, even though they fight, often bringing the younger one to tears while the older laughs at what a baby she is being. Regardless, my fiance does not need this, no one does. If someone is going to be a bully, most often it is to someone weaker than the bully. When I show otherwise (with my intellect, not my physical strength) I am the bad guy, even as careful to keep my words carefully thought out and non vulgar. I have watched this go on for a year, and my fiance talks about bringing her to see a councelor, but never does. I think I have a right to punish them in this way, and maybe only this way. If someone is going to disrespectful to me or my friends, I'm not going to allow them to use anything of mine or even converse with them aside from defending myself or my friends.

Answer 1

Show your fiance all the answers, but especially let her read mine. I will address it to her. I am 52, I have been divorced for about 12 years now. I virtually raised my 3 kids on my own. I love them will all my heart. I never forced them to clean up their rooms. I never forced them to wash the dishes. I allowed them to have free will...in short I really didnt put many boundaries in their lives at all. My son is 19....he still lives with me, and hes an absolute pig, he treats me like a maid. I come home from work and dishes are piled up in the sink, so the first thing I do is clean up after him. I work long hours and I dont need to do it, but its all my fault...he has no respect for me and when I ask him to pull his weight we end up in an arguement, so its easier for me to just clean up after him. I now have my 26 year old daughter living with me now after her relationship broke down. She is just the same....she does nothing. I am responsible for 2 grown adults who should be responsible for themselves and I only have myself to blame. I was too soft on them and now I am paying the price. They love me, I have no doubt about that, but they certainly do not respect me. I would love a man to come into my life and give me a break and take some responsibility off my shoulders. I would love to have a man like your fiance who loves you enough to want to work out solutions to this situation. Your children are rude and they need to show respect. Your fiance is right in everything he wants to do. If you dont allow him to be the man of the house and take responsibility then it will be you and your kids against him for the rest of your lives and it will eventually destroy your relationship.

For this to work, you have to work with your fiance, you have to show a united front because as soon as you show you dont agree, then your kids have got you where they want you, and your fiance wont stand a hope in hell of bringing this family together. It has nothing to do with the father, you should not be discussing anything with him. This is yours and your fiance's life and if the kids are going to live there in harmony, then the only thing you need to consider is how the kids, you and your fiance can live in peace...and that has nothing to do with father. If it hurts you too much to see your fiance take charge and put in boundaries....then walk away. Tell your daughter that you dont want to talk to her without your fiance present because you and your fiance are now partners and if she is unhappy, then he needs to be involved as well. Im telling you now taking the hard line with your daughters now will have immense benefits for everyone's future. You should be so happy that you have a man who loves you enough to work through these problems...but it has to be with you, not against each other. A lesser man would put it in the too hard basket and not marry you. You are a lucky woman. Dont let your kids ruin your relationship. They need to be taught some manners.

Answer 2

It sounds a little harsh but; you do have every right to be respected in the home. You'd think a kid living here one week and there the next would f**k them up a bit, causing some confusion. She should know that you are the adults and won't be treated that way but; don't make it all this is MY house, it's her house too. At that age all you really can do to punish is take away their freedoms, which you have but; maybe you could start with one thing at a time. When she disrespects, no tv; if she does it again, no tv and no telephone; again, add something else to the list. Evenutally she will get the hint. Remember she is young and probably resenting and blaming you for her family being split even though you probably didn't cause the split. Blending a family is a difficult transition for everyone in the family. The ex-husband shouldn't have any say in how you run your home unless of course, his children are in some type of danger.

Answer 3

No you are not being too harsh or unfair. The MOM must stand behind what you have said or she will undermine your authority in your house. There is no reason for her to consult with the father as he has no business in how you all run your house. The mom is in the wrong for EVER letting her be disrespectful to anyone else. It sounds like it was easier on the mom to give in then to demand the respect she was due. Keep doing what you are doing. If the 13yr old is allowed to continue her bad ways then it will come in between you and your fiance. The mom has to be a MOM not a FRIEND to her daughter. The 13yr old is going to have a hard life if someone don't stand up and make her change her ways. I commend you for stepping up and doing what her mother should have done the first time she disrespected anyone. I cannot believe the mother has allowed her to be disrespectful to others. Hurray to you for demanding the respect you are due. If I were you I would tell your fiance that it is yours and her house and the ex has no say so in how the house is run. Do you all tell him how to run his house and would he accept you all doing that?
Keep up the good work. Don't give in. The 13 yr old is getting the discipline she should have gotten a long time ago. It is good that you are showing her there are consequences to her actions and she will either be rewarded or suffer the consequences of her actions. It is up to her alone if she earns her luxuries back or not. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. I hope it all works out for you but whatever you do don't give in and don't let the mom give in either. The 13 yr old needs to go by the golden rule---DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU!

Answer 4

Harshness can't be measured, limited, or categorized. Reality can be considered harsh, yet it appears to go unpunished (then again, we can't exactly "punish" reality) and is without a conscience. Among mankind, it means survival. To face what is harsh you sometimes have to be harsh, and if you put some people into their place by telling the truth and being honest, where's the harm? Circumstances and certain situations are, first and foremost, the dictator of our actions, and therfore guides us into doing what we may or may not want to or need to do -- that's just life. Only the very cruel actually intend to hurt anyone with "harsh" words, yet it happens all the time. When I'm blunt, I don't mean to make anyone cry, merely get them to think and view something from a different perspective. That's just the way I see it.

Answer 5

I don't think you are being unfair. TV, computer, phone... these are all privileges not necessities! You can't let kids run over top of you. They have to earn respect and once they start acting like they are supposed to, than yes you can start letting them have some of the things back. I came from a strict family and I believe it has made me a better person today. This whole thing is definitely going to put a strain on your relationship with your future bride. Maybe you both should sit down and get some ground rules put into place. I mean let's not forget here, you are the adult... you are there to teach these kids how to be proper young adults. It sounds like her mother has let this go on for too long now. You have to nip it in the butt now before it gets out of control. I hope I was able to answer your questions and help a little bit. Good Luck and congrats on your upcoming wedding! :)

Answer 6

Look, Dude, if you really want help, let mom bring the kids to counseling for the whole family...including you. Actually, the girl is not going to give you the respect of her Father because you're not her father. It's that simple. Her mother should be doing the major disciplining and you two should stand on a united front. I do agree with the method you use, but I'm afraid it's gonna get worse before it gets better without professional counseling. If you love this woman, do this for her....take the whole group to a counselor. Please. You don't want to make life miserable for everyone. And you are right: you just need to learn how to use that knowledge a little more gently to get across that you are not the "bad guy". Those kids need a strong man, and you're willing to be him. So be strong and do what's best for your new family! I'm very proud of you for understand the basics of decipline of kids through depriving them of their "currency". that is Dr. Phil's favorite style. Godloveya all.

Answer 7

you and her mother need to come up with rules that are set in stone no changing them. and i'm guessing there is alot of fighting in the house, which only makes things worse, she needs a united front. you both should be an example of what she should someday be. my suggestion is that you and your fiance go away for the weekend to work this out. and i do agree that her father should be a part of this if he is a good man he will help your situation. nobady wants a disrespectful child. you all have to work together on this together. it could just be that she is young and confused about the wedding, she loves her farther and doesn't want him replaced. i hope that this helped some. and i was a strict parent who raised a child who always showed adults respect. he never liked anyone i dated though, he only wanted it to be us alone.

Answer 8

No you are not being unfair. If she one day shows a little respect, give her something in return for it. Sit down with her and tell her this too. You will be her step parent whether she likes it or not and the rules should apply the same for all the children in the household so she doesn't feel singled out and hate you for it in the long run.

Answer 9

Not at all its about teaching her respect not laying down like her door mat and letting her walk all over you as she comes and goes....mums can feel bad and have the guilt situations though so dont take it out on her ...talk to her work out your plan of attack together and then both of you talk to the child and stand firm on your decision. If a child is pushed out to much they will look for love elsewhere so be careful on how you handle this.Sometimes meeting with a teen half way and treating them like an adult is the best plan of attack and your relationship with this child is very important you are part of the mould of what she will be in life.

Answer 10

No, if this is occuring in your house then why should it matter what the father thinks. Obviously he has rules that she follows in his house since he is respectful there but she feels she can get away with anything because her mom has let her. You need to set guidelines, especially as she gets into the teen years. If you remain lenient think of the things she will get herself into. Sit down with her mother and come up with a gameplan, but there's no reason to involve dad in your issues.

Answer 11

they are not your children, you did not raise them, refuse them the stuff you personally own. but it is not you problem to fix. they have no respect for you and you are doing nothing to change that, antagonizing them with you words will not help The meeting of both parents might. the meeting might start with what will it take to make this house a home. and so on. This is only just the beginning there is at least another 10 years of this, have fun