Okay people... especially older Guys I need your help????

Question

eight months ago, I got out of an 30 year abusive relationship. I am starting to date, and I need everyone's help. How do I know when to believe someone when they say they are in love with me...what are the signs to look for when they are lying to me???? I have been out of this dating thing way too long and I am so scared.

okay......8 months is not a long time, but he moved out of our bedroom three and a half years ago, so I have been basically alone for 3 1/2 years.

Answer 1

Sorry, there's no real way to tell. There are alot of players out there that ruin it for a good guy. So you just have to trust your own instincts and be cautious. Take your time and don't rush into anything. GOOD LUCK
Dating is getting harder.

Answer 2

I'm a people who some would consider an "older guy". I'll try to give you my perspective.

Eight months is not that long of a period to put between you and a 30 year abusive relationship. If you are dating someone that you like, continue doing so. If he says that he loves you, what a nice compliment. You don't have to pay him anything for his compliments. If he wants something back for his 'I love you', he is probably not offering the type of love you may want.

Take your time in matters of the heart. Think about what you are doing and follow your conscience. You will know when someone in your life is for real.

One thing I might caution you on is about the 30 year relationship. Many people fall into the same trap over and over again. Be careful not to get into the same type of mess again. Be cautioned that it was something in your personality that chose this partner and decided to stay for 3 decades.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Hun,

I am so sorry to be blunt to you but -

ITS TOO SOON AND WAY TOO EARLY!!

30 years you say,well good on you for making the break. Congratulations if it is true?

BUT

Go get the counselling you will now need to survive in the real world and if you were really in an abusive relationship then you would be finding your feet again and not rushing straight into another relationship after 8 mths..

Were is the man who hurt you after all these years?
He wont let go of you that easy?
Are you really ready for another relationship?
What about your current partener is it fair on him to be looking over his shoulder for an abusive ex to turn up?
How dangerouse is your Ex now your FREE?
Thirthy years is a bllody long time?

You would want to feel secure in your self first, then go and enjoy all the things your current relationship wouldn't allow you to have or could do..

It be like getting out of jail and finally finding freedom..

BUT 8 mths and you are moving on??

You are either desperate for companionship and feel you need someone in your life to make you feel like something but in all honesty what you need is a bloody good break from all men for at least 2 years so you can truly heal and give your self time to explore all the things you may have missed out on.

You can keep your current partener as a friend but if you are telling the truth about the abusive side then what's the hurry with moving on into a relationship so soon after just getting out of one?

Sorry hun something isnt right here!

""advice from a survivour of abuse of 30 years and been single for 7 years because of it""

Answer 4

So often people who have been in an abusive relationship end up in another one. You are smart to question a person's true motives, and character. Eight months from ending a relationship is really not enough time for anyone to recover emotionaly, and it is to easy to make the same mistake. After my relationship ended, (my wife died) i was really in a quandrey about how, and when to release the love stored inside to another. My pastor's advice was to give it at least 2 years. I went to see a phsycologist, and i think i helped him more than he helped me. What i can tell you is everyone has a different level of whatever it is needed to move along with their life. For me it was 3 1/2 years. That was before i began dating. Then i tried joining a dating web site, there was the place that opened my eyes at what people where really like. What i found was that people as a whole are needy. Most of them are dishonest. I found only a few even worth much more than the time of day. Not that they were terrible people, but that they were not right for me, but they tried to be. Falling in love is a wonderfull joyous feeling, and so many people get caught up in that alone. I can understand how you must feel. Now, how much do you really know about this guy? How do his associates feel about him? His neighbors, the people he hangs out with. Do you know his friends? A lot of times people are known by the company they keep. I know it is a old saying, but it still holds true. Since you have a computer, do a google search on him. Find out all you can about him, and then find out if it is all true. I know this sounds like a lot of behind the back stuff, but it is your life we are talking about. Once all of the newness wears off, and you know it will, what kind of guy will you be left with? Please excuse me for sounding so cyinical, but i have been there. What concerns me the most is your last relationship, it ending only 8 months ago, and someone already thinks they know you well enough to love you. Personally, i would tell this nice man, "It takes me time to fall in love, If you love me then please give me the time i need, because when i do fall in love, it will be with all of my heart, and worth waiting for." Honey, use your time wisely. After 30 years of abuse, you have a lot of healing to do yourself. And if/when the time comes that you are sure, and willing to give him your love, you will have to remember whenever something happends that reminds you of your last relationship, this guy is a different guy, not the one who hurt you before.

Answer 5

first off, i just want to say that im sorry about your abusive relationship...some men are real bastards.
if i were you i wouldnt tell any guy that you are going to date about your abusive past....generally when a man knows that a woman has been abused in any way, he tends to use that against her, either mentally or physically....
secondly, after a 30 year relationship, (my opinion) dont start looking for love just yet. sure, date..have a great time, but maybe you should take the time to heal yourself, your inner-self. if you dont realize it...shes still hurting, and if you dont take the time to heal, you may find yourself back in the same situation.
take time before settling into another relationship, realize the woman you are, figure out what it is that you want and dont settle for anything less. believe that someday your prince charming will come and sweep you off your feet. yes, its taken a while for him to find you, but he will. everyone deserves to have a happy ending if they allow themselves to believe that they are worth it.
(do you believe you are worth it.....after 30 years of abuse i cant imagine that anyone would....and if you do know your self worth then congradulations, youre stronger than most...)
however, you need to acknowledge the fact that not all men are like your ex....there are some really great men out there. you have to find the courage in yourself to believe that. i know it wont be easy..trust me...i do, but its the only way youll be able to look your dates in the face.
just to repeat myself, dont give your heart away before you know for sure what it is that you want. good luck, i hope i helped a little bit.

Answer 6

Ohh this one is sort of tough, but there is a gut feeling.
Be careful, but not too careful, you don't want to push someone that will be good away from you.

In life, a lot of people make decisions on new people based on what people have done in the past, but that is not really fair to someone who is sincere in what they say, mean, and do. I notice your profile, and you are quite active on here, so I imagine you have an intellect that is superior to many, and in that intellect, you will have gained the ability to scrutinize people, but from within.
Read on...

Look into their eyes and beyond, feel the way they tough your face. Listen to their breath, watch their body language, you can just "tell" most of the time. How gently are the little kisses given to you? Are they affectionate to you, not just in a sexual way, but sensual, and just plain lovingly? Does he often touch your hand, or let his finger tips tough you? i mean in general. just walking by, i would hope his fingers could graze your arm, just to show he is thinking of you. Does your heart flutter when he speaks your name? This is where your intuition can come into play. I can read people like a book though. I don't how good you are at reading people. I would think you are pretty good.

I will tell you to be careful, but if you feel like this could be the one, then let him in, slowly, take your time, if he loves you, then he will be patient as well, but don't lock him out to much. Play it smart, but be willing to let go, most people would never be abusive, and I am so very sorry you were involved with a bast@rd that hurt you, you really deserve to be happy now, and I hope that you will be happy with this new person. This is why I have looped in this post a couple of times, but I just want you to make sure to use both logical as well as heart in making this decision. I am all for it, so keep an open mind.

My heart goes out to you! Take care honey, be patient, and open minded!

Answer 7

See if he is willing to say it in public, in front of HIS "joe cool" friends.
Stop taking his calls and see if he goes silly stupid. Who said "I love you first"? If YOU, then you made a mistake. Who has the best living situation?
Any "bounce back" going on. 8 months is a spit in the bucket compared to 30 years. See if he'll take you to HIS get togethers or hang outs.
See if he flirts with the waitresses or looks TOO long at a female stranger. Too long means too long...not a couple secounds, damn, after all he is an alive man. give him some slack. Like the song says........."Hold on loosley, but don't let go".
Test him but don't trust him. If he passes each test, DON'T test him on the same issue again, and trust him on just that one. or he'll leave you if you nag or harp on the same thing.

Answer 8

Remember the difference between trust and respect; respect is something that a person is entitled to because of position, not something that has to be earned. Trust, OTOH, is something that one must earn -- nobody owes it to you. So any man who acts as if you owe him trust without establishing a track record of deserving it will probably lie to you as soon as he feels he can get away with it.

What I'm saying here is this; trust no man until you've been around him enough to know what his track record is. Treat every statement as a potential lie/attempt at manipulation until you've heard enough truth from him to not be scared anymore. Any man who really cares about you will be understanding of that, especially once he knows about your history. Any man who isn't understanding doesn't deserve you anyway.

One caveat, though; once a man has earned your trust, don't make him earn it all over again every day. We good men understand that you ladies need to test us, but we expect to have passed the test at some point. If you never get to the point of trusting, even after he has earned it, he will rightly question how committed you are to him.

Answer 9

Saying "I love you" is way too easy for some guys. Especially if they're trying to score. When you feel the love, then when they say it, you'll believe them. And congratulations on getting out of the abusive relationship, I hope you never experience that again.

Answer 10

The eyes are the windows of the soul. If they can't look you in the eye, they're lying.

Trust your own strength. It wasn't easy to end a 30 year relationship, but you found the strength to do it.

Trust your heart. It will lead you. You're a better judge of character than you think. You'll see.

Don't be needy. Set high standards, because you deserve them.