How can I convince a neighbor to butt out about child rearing?

Question

No, I do not have children, a close friend asked for advice, and I did not know what to tell her. Anyway, my good friend spanks her children when they misbehave. I do not see anything wrong with it. I was spanked, she was spanked, and she seems pretty responsible, never spanking out of anger. Her neighbor, is very anti spanking, and lets said friend know it all of the time. She constantly says that spanking children is physical, emotional, and sexual abuse (by the way, neighbor’s son is terrible, I once saw him throwing rocks at a kitten.) This really upsets friend, who is a dedicated mother who loves her kids so much. How can friend politely tell neighbor to get lost?

I do not think there is anything wrong with time outs, or not spanking. If that's what works then more power to you. I just think people should mind their business (lest it's abuse, it's not!)espeacially about child rearing.

1st poster, it's not clear if friend dosnt wants to keep relationship with nieghbor. I should ask, but it seems they got along, until this issue came up.

Nick F
"and I don't care what moms say, being a mom does not make you an expert in child development"

- Two of the worst behaved childen I have ever met (they were cruel ti animals and people) both had parents who were child psycologists. A parent does not need a degree to be a good parent.

Answer 1

. Well I would say when her child is running muck in front of you and your friend about the buttinski neighbor

(Set this trap.)
To your other friend I would tell her you before hand you are going to do this so she can concur with you through the whole thing).
You know some people have no control of there children and really make it miserable for every one That you both feel that people who allow there children to ruin a muck that there children do not learn how to behave in polite society It is a given fact that people who do not discipline there children have problems in school and community later on in life. They learn to be bullies and take advantage of others because they can.

You can even say my friend Diane (Me) who has worked in mental health for over 10 years with kids says the problem with kids today is that parents are way to permissive. You have to nip it while they are young otherwise they have no social conchies
People who children would try to injure cats they are more likely to be cruel and Have no sense of compassion or remorse and they usually end up predators of some kind. This has been tested time and time again.
I would hate to see when this buttinski neighbors kid gets in school I would not even let any of my grand kids play with him so they would grow up acting like them.

I had a kid one time keep kicking me in the Wal-Mart hard in my leg I didn't know this kid from Adam The mother looked and said nothing I was going to let it go but when she did nothing and I had had blood clots in my legs and have been very protective of them .
I said to the child and the mother loudly well it’s apparent your mother has never taught you discipline in the home what gives you the right to kick me hoping she would intervene. She didn’t
He started at me again. I then said go for it kid and I will kick you back hard.
She starts how dare you he only a child.
I said well if you are his parent it’s your job to make him mind so be a parent and make him mind, in society he does not have the right to kick me I did nothing too him to provoke and if your child can't behave or you won't make him, leave him home. We should not have to put up with your Childs ill behavior Then I showed her where all my bruises were up and down my leg where he kicked me.
Lady I should have your son arrested for assault on my person.to teach you a lesson.
I looked right at the kid and said maybe I will. She practalliclly ran from the store and the people in line cheered. I never would have kicked the child I just wanted to gets moms attention and have her intervene like moms suppose to do.
I rarely ever spanked my son except a swat here and there usually just a straighten up. Made a swat sound and hurt his pride more than his back side. He does the same with his kids now and they are well behaved I can take them any where.
So next time you see someone disciplining there child in the local Wal-mart tell them what a good mom your Mom is to that child because she wants people to love you and like you and she is willing to teach you the right way because she loves you.

Diane

Answer 2

My mum once told me this,


When your child has a tantrum or misbehaves, there are only 3 things you can do
1) Give into what the child wants
2) ignore them
3) spank them
Which ever you choose the person next to you is sure to disagree with your choice!

I agree that spanking is not abuse! Its discipline and sometimes necessary. My friend also is anti spanking and her son is a monster and she now cant handle him at all. My 3 rarely get a smack but all 3 have had one and are well adjusted, kind loving and gently kids. Tell you friend to forget the neighbour and do what she knows is right in her heart.

Answer 3

i think spanking is wrong too, and that it should be avoided if at all possible.
it tells the children not to do things..... not because their actions are morally wrong, but because their actions will result in spanking.

yet, i think it can be done as a last resort when kids persist with bad behavior, if they won't listen to reason.

let your neighbor know that the parent of the kid has a good relationship with her children and that spanking is done to teach the kid that he/she can't get away with certain things.

i think you shouldn't take your neighbor's comments too lightly though, because spanking can be a very bad thing.
- it can lead to abuse. parent may hit children whenever they become angry
- the child learns to fear the parent.... they may try to avoid him/her whenever possible. and not respect him/her.
- spanking alone does nothing to teach the child about morals. the parent *must* speak to the child and tell him why their behavior was bad, so that they can learn.

Answer 4

Well your friend has one of two choices. She can either:
A. Eliminate the neighbor as being a friend
B. Just ignore the neighbor's comments/opinion

This is a "battle" your friend is just not going to win, IF she tries to battle. She has to decide, is it worth it to war with her neighbor about this issue or not. The reason I say that she only has two choices, is because the decision to spank, or not, is extremely deep-rooted and very personal; almost like telling me that I shouldn't wear fur when I personally feel like my ancestors wore to keep warm so darn it, I will too (sorry, personal, something that happened to me a few minutes ago).
Anyway, she has to decide how important that friendship is and if its a battle she is willing to undertake.

Personally, I can't see how its worth it. As long as the day is long and the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, people are going to have opinions about everything and especially how to raise someone else's child.

Answer 5

Have you friend thank the neighbor for the advice and then ignore it. OR ask the neighbor for an alternative.
IF the spanking is just a swat on the bottom, I see nothing wrong with it - the problem is when a spanking becomes an excuse for a beating.

Answer 6

How would the neighbor know if the friend is spanking her children? Tell the friend to shut up about her child rearing skills and stop blabbing to the neighbors, and/or make sure she isn't spanking them in plain view of the neighbors. She can only butt in if your friend gives her the opportunity.

Answer 7

Simply say that you are not going to 'gossip' about a friend. You feel that she loves her children and that her children are well behaved, and have never seen a mark on them that would constitute abuse.

Putting a child into the foster system is far worse than even a parent who will occasionally belt a child's behind. The foster system is based on PAYING people to raise other people's children. There is no feeling of love from a foster parent, it is simply an income route for many unemployed people. Moreover, children are more likely to get beaten, TRULY sexually abused, and even murdered in a foster home than in the home of their natural parents. Tell her to stick that in her hat.

Answer 8

Sometimes polite needs to take a backseat to honesty. Your friend could come right out and tell said neighbor to butt out, while also pointing out the neighbor's son's behavior. Obviously, the neighbor hasn't found a good method of child rearing, herself.
Tell her to quit watching Dr. Phil, start reading the Bible, and to mind her own business.

Answer 9

I appreciate that you are concerned about this, however, I believe there are much better ways of handling discipline other than spanking. A child should see a parent's hand as a loving tool rather than a hurting object. Children learn what they live with and I would rather see a more civilized way of dealing with an unruly child. a quiet talk explaining why they should or shouldn't be doing something will get a mother further in a positive direction.

Answer 10

kids throwing rocks at kittens seems crazy but that is what kids do. Maybe you guys should pay attention to the studies by experts that show that spanking does more damage to a child than other forms of punishment (and I don't care what moms say, being a mom does not make you an expert in child development. parents never realize how badly they mess up their kids). Perhaps the neighbor isn't nosy but just feels this is an important enough issue to speak up about (and many of us agree with her).